I was at the library last week with my 3 year old girl and my rainbow baby boy who is now 8 weeks old. I saw a lady with a baby girl in a sling and I was suddenly hit with a wall of grief. And I missed Shelby so unexpectedly, tears welled in my eyes and I had to quickly look away and calm myself.

I was holding my precious boy in a wrap and he was sleeping against my chest and in an instant I was so very grateful that I have him but hit with the realisation that I still miss my baby girl so terribly. I think I got caught up in newborn day to day life and I had the stupid notion that maybe I was at peace with what happened to Shelby.

But I'm not. And I'm so sad that I didn't get the moments I'm having with my rainbow with my baby girl as well.

I'm sorry that Shelby isn't with you, making your family whole. It happens to me, too. I miss Charlotte every day. But there are moments when it just kicks me in the teeth. Sometimes it is so raw that it feels like only yesterday that I lost her. Right now I am enjoying a beautiful fall morning, waiting for Gabe to wake up. I wish that I could be curled up on the couch watching cartoons with his big sister. XX

I'm struggling for words, I'm sorry. I wish you were having those moments with Shelby too, so very much :( x

There is always an empty place where our babies should be. Rosabella has helped me so much with my grief and brought such great joy to my life, but my Grace is still gone and it still hurts so much that I cannot be her mommy too.

It's a complicated dynamic. I'm sorry Shelby isn't doing those things too. I don't have a rainbow, but I have three other children. Each event, activity, etc is complicated with "one is missing."

Yeah, some days it just kicks you in the teeth. It's just those unexpected moments that smash you down. Some days I look at my rainbow and I see his sister in him so much. I'm glad you have your boy, like me. But you're missing your girl too, like me. I am often envious of girls. But more often than not, these days, I'm mostly okay. Sometimes though it just feels like yesterday and when I'm counting heads in the van there's always one missing...

Yeah, some days it just kicks you in the teeth. It's just those unexpected moments that smash you down. Some days I look at my rainbow and I see his sister in him so much. I'm glad you have your boy, like me. But you're missing your girl too, like me. I am often envious of girls. But more often than not, these days, I'm mostly okay. Sometimes though it just feels like yesterday and when I'm counting heads in the van there's always one missing...