For those of you who had older children when your baby died, did they say things that simply stopped you in your tracks, or went straight through to your heart like a poisoned arrow?

Yesterday, we were chit-chatting in the car, and my 6-year-old was saying that he wished he were a baby, because babies have more fun. Then, we went on to talk about what the worst part of being a baby is. My son said "Pooping and peeing in your diaper, that's the worst part".
And what's the best part about being Ysmael? I asked. Then he immediately replied: "The best part about being Ysmael is that he didn't die." My thoughts exactly.

Our 3 year old says something almost every week about Chiara, our daughter who died at 22 weeks gestation in August 2012. Some are harder to take than others.Right before I gave birth to our rainbow babe, he asked, "Mommy, is this baby going to die?". What do you say? I hope not, I said, that was all I could muster, because I didn't know myself and it all seemed fraught with peril at that point. Now he'll hold his baby brother's hand and ask if the baby is going to die. Again, all I have to offer is, "I hope not for a long time." He will also say things about, "the baby that died in your belly," which is hard to hear over and over again. I know he's just working it out for himself, and I try to just be patient and kind and answer truthfully. It is definitely not easy.

Yes Aurelia, it's hard because we want them to trust life and not worry too much but at the same time, telling them everything will be OK is a lie too, and the worst part is they know it. When my kids visited me at the hospital where Ysmael was born, my 4-year-old started sobbing when he saw the sleeping baby. He thought he had died too. And for a long time, my 6-year-old would sing him lullabies in the car begging him to please not die. Our families are changed forever in more ways than one, and it's tough.

When I had to be away from my son overnight, he thought that I'd be coming back with the baby. (His brother died 10 months ago.) He also goes up to babies out and about and thinks they might be ours and I have to say "no, this one isn't ours". It's so painful I can't actually write out his exact words as direct speech.

I'm so sorry Ruby. It is incredibly hard. In the early days of my grief, a couple of weeks/months after my baby's death, my son also used to take me to touch the babies in the playgroup we used to go to. Obviously, I was avoiding them, I couldn't even look at them, but no he wanted me to touch them. And then used to say: "Smile Mommy, smile, look that baby isn't dead, look see that one is alive!" How did I survive that, I don't know.
All the things we have/had to go through that seem so unthinkable to other families. It feels good to share with you women, and I know that you're all shaking your heads and thinking; "Yep, that happened to me too." It helps to know that other women can relate, even if I wish you didn't.

Shortly after Eva died my then two and a half year old sang this repetitive song over and over again 'Eva died, Eva died, Eva died, Eva died'. I didn't know what to do. I am surprised I didn't completely lose my mind. I still feel fragile and hurt when the children talk about Eva being dead now, over two years later. Some seasons are worse then others. Late summer and fall is the worst for me.

Sometimes my six year old will ask me if he will die tonight when I tuck him in.

Sometimes my seven year old will ask if I will make a shelf for him when he dies.

L is still convinced that we can bring E back from heaven somehow. She comes up with some very creative ideas. She got so excited when DH took her on a flight to see his parents this summer. She thought that was a perfect opportunity to stop by up there and pick her up. She also worries about her. As much as I assure her that she is surrounded by loving people like her nana and granddad, and that she is in a happy and beautiful place, she expresses her worry every now and then that she might be sad up there, without mummy and daddy. Doesn't seem right to her. Oh, how true.

I posted this a few months ago:
.. as if she knew, your big sister speaks talks about you all the time at the moment, and asks the most perplexing and heartbreaking questions a nearly three-year-old could possibly ask. Will you learn to walk in heaven, and who will help you? And if I'm your mummy, but I'm not up there, who has a cuddle with you and comforts you when you're crying?

It’s hard..

These posts bring tears to my eyes. My six year old, who only comprehends half of what happened, asked me yesterday if God would give us another baby "one we could keep."

This IS really hard and heartbreaking.

It IS truly heartbreaking, because when "normal" children simply ask: "Mommy, do you love me?" Our/my kids ask: "Mommy, will you be sad/cry/make a shelf for me when I die?"
My oldest (6) worries a lot about us dying. The grief counselor I saw (not specialized in kids though) told me I should tell my sons that if I die, they will be OK and that someone else (my Mom) would look after them. But when you have a 6-year-old sobbing because he said he doesn't want you to die soon, do you have the courage to tell him that yes, it could happen? I don't. I live in a small community and there are no resources for grieving children and there was no therapist specialized in infant loss either. I just feel I'm on my own trying to figure out what's the best way to handle their grief.
They're trying really hard to make sense of what happened. But what happened doesn't make sense, does it? Our kids are/were not supposed to die. Period.
B, just like you, my son tries to find ways to get our baby back. We're not religious, but one day he came back from school, very excited to tell me that he had heard about a guy who resurrected. "Mommy, he said, this guy, died and then came back down on Earth!" I said, "I know darling but this man Jesus was a very special person, and that's why he resurrected." "Why?, he said, our baby wasn't special?!" I was so shocked I didn't know what to say.
They just need to understand something that we ourselves have a hard time comprehending.

My 3 year old doesn't remember Shelby as she was only just 2 when Shelby died. But the other day I put away some clothes our rainbow baby boy had grown out of and she asked "What are they for?" and I said "Well, we might need them if we have another baby" and she said "Are they for if this one dies?".

Gutted.

My older son (now four, three at the time) used to pretend that he had babies in his belly. But, "mine didn't die like yours." Ugh.

This morning, 6:30am. L wakes up, comes into our room and crawls into our bed. She clutches her baby doll and whispers sleepily:
"Baby doll isn't dead, right, mummy?" No, honey she's not, I say.
"Because she's not a real baby, because she's made of plastic, right?"
Yes sweety, that's why.
Pause.
"But E was a real Baby, right?"

We never put these words into her mouth. Amazing how these little ones just get it.