I have a rainbow, a wonderful, beautiful baby who brings joy to me every minute, i live for her but part of me still wants to die, part of me still hates that I'm here without him, surely that's not right. Sadness yes, always sadness and brokenness but the deep rooted get out clause can't be right now I have another baby to be here and present for :(

I don't think killing yourself is a selfish thought. Mind, I don't think it is a good idea, but it is not selfish the way hiding all the candy bars and only eating them yourself is selfish.

For me, thinking of suicide and planning it was a response to pain so great it was unbearable. And thinking it would never end. Mostly, the never ending part. You have just had a beautiful, loved baby. On some level, you thought that would ease the pain of the death of your other child. Because we all think that, consciously or unconsciously. It makes sense to us all. The baby dies, we have another baby and that will make it better. And it does make lots of things in life better.

The pain of your child's death, the pain of living with your baby gone will ease up. The pain of living in a world where your child could die will become manageable, for the most part. It takes time and it takes work. I don't know how much time has past for you, but I do know you are doing the work. The work of investing and committing to live. Having another child is reaching for life. Asking for help, as above, is reaching for life. These are hard things to do and you are doing them. I'm sure they are not all you are doing, either.

Your whole world changes when your baby dies. You no longer know what will work to make a good life for you and yours. The old ways don't often work and you don't have new ways yet. Keep trying. You will find them. You will find the things, the ways, the love that eases this loss and makes it a part of you that you can bear. Promise.

Sending you love, hugs and as much strength as I can cram into this comment!

I have the same feeling as I gave birth to my first child at 23w4d on September 18th and sadly he couldn't survive. I cannot stop crying, thinking and singing for him. We recently buried him in a private grave but that's not what we planned for him. We gave him a name and prepared his room, bed and other things. Now I have nothing but emptiness and a huge pain and sadness. My lovely Daniel passed away after 5 days being in NICU and I believe my life will never get happy again. Unfortunately, nobody understands my feeling, they are just trying to push me moving on by saying the stupid phrase : (you are still young and can have another baby). I miss my lovely Daniel; he is the one I love and no other baby can be accepted instead of him. Nobody understands our grieving time and loss. I hate everyone except my poor husband who is suffering like me...
Can anybody out there understand me?

Oh yes Fatima. We ALL understand you. We have all lost our babies too. It is the most horrible thing to ever happen to a person, and no one understands unless they have
Lived it. Period. People will try to help you but they can't. Only those of us who have walked this dark road can relate to the anger and hopelessness.
You will find happiness again. It takes time. I am still angry as hell. My son died 9 mos ago. But I have also felt happy as I watch my daughter grow. Something at
Some point will make u laugh and smile again.
And that is when u will begin to heal. You will never fully recover but you will go on. We
All have.
We
Have
To.
For our babies. U
Can
Do this. We r here
For you

Thanks dear Julie,
I am really thankful to God that I found this nice place, to speak with nice people like you. I should not expect other people understand me, because they cannot. And if say; oh yes, we understand you, they lie unless if they went through this tragedy themselves. Please pray for me to find some peace...
Sending love to you

I will pray for you.

It's two years since my lovely daughter died. I have older children and a rainbow and (mostly) my life does not suck. And yet it sucks so much. I miss her so much. I totally get where you are. I'm not suicidal but the thought of no more pain is alluring. My living children tether me to earth.

That's exactly it Em