Sorry to anon this post - I guess I just feel the need for anonimity with this somewhat sensitive (for me, anyway) question.

We had young children before our loss and are struggling in particular with one of them and behavioral problems that have arisen in this child since our loss. This child is in the k-3 age range and understands as much as a child of this age can that his sibling was stillborn, but I don't think this child's behavioral issues are stemming from that. Rather, they are stemming indirectly from the significant grief and stress that we as parents have experienced after the stillbirth of our baby.

This has heaped an enormous amount of guilt on my already heavily-guilt-laden shoulders. Not only could I not keep out baby alive, but apparently I could not keep it together enough to shield my other children.

I really don't know what to do, or how to help him. Has anyone experienced this? If so, I am very much in need of any wisdom or encouragement.

One of our girls was 5 and one was 7 plus we had two older ones who were more straightforward. The 7yo was unrelentingly angry and manipulative and the younger one was simply confused, increasingly withdrawn and damaged. She was damaged by our scbu stay and damaged by going from older sister to youngest again.

In general our approach was thrust upon us somewhat in that we home educated and so shielding was simply not an option. They went right through it with us. I felt regularly dreadful for this, that they shouldn't be exposed to grief at that intensity and that they had no escape but we felt shoving them away to school at that moment would be wrong. And somehow I feared that if i showed nothing, they would think that they could die too and we wouldn't care.

So we cried together talked together, were weak and strong together, carried in, fell apart and just kept talking. We felt an honest approach to grief, including discussing how daddy recovered outwardly far quicker than I did and what that really meant.

There was tough stuff but we did get through. I've been incredibly struck by how resilient kids are; my husband lost his mother at 10 yet despite turmoil is a healthy minded chap now and a few years down the line my girls are in one piece, I think.

So my wisdom would only be that. You cannot shield and it is troublesome to try to; invite him into your grief and talk to him lots, let him share it, move away from it and understand but also show him you enjoying the good moments.

Tbh, I'm sure you so but I'd encourage you to feel okay about being open with him. Bottled up adults are terrible complicated for kids. Loads of talking, reassurance about what is strong and safe and won't change, etc etc.

Xxx

I had three children (ranging from an 11-month-old to 4.5-years-old) when Ethan died. They saw the grief. In all it's hideousness. I too felt guilt around it. But more so, was confident that my husband and I were modeling how to handle difficult feelings in healthy ways. My colleague at the time, this physician I respect immensely, approached me when I returned to work 7 weeks after Ethan's death. He told me that his younger sister Val died when she was a newborn. And that he remembers her. And that he remembers his mother crying on the couch grieving. He's now in his sixties. Yet, he was clear to say that he is OK and that witnessing his parents' grief did not scar him as an individual. And that his mother's "best" during that time was more than good enough for his needs. I offer this as it brought (still brings) me confidence that my grief isn't completely fucking everything up.

As for your child's beahioral responses. It's not unusual. I should acknowledge that I am a child and adolescent counselor here - and that this is just my opinion. When a family is hit with tragedy and emotional crisis, it's common for children to find ways to express their ideas, fears, anxieties, etc. and just as many adults benefit from counseling support (in various forms) children often do as well. Perhaps chat with your pediatrician - or school adjustment counselor - those can be great and affordable resources to start with.

I'm sorry you find yourself navigating this path. It's quite crappy. And NOT your fault. Lots of love to you.

Merry and Annie,

Thank you so much for your quick responses. Glow can be such a lifeline - thank you so very much for seeing me flailing my arms about and coming to my aid.

In armchair diagnosing my child, I would say I'm seeing signs of ODD. Annie, have you had experience with this, and would you still classify this as common? When I read your response, I had already pulled out the information for my child's school's counselors/social workers, so I appreciate the nudge to reach out to them first.

Merry, thank you so much for sharing your experience. How long would you say you saw these behaviors in your girls? Did you seek out counseling for them or all of you, or did you just work through it together?

My child is a good, smart, child, which is why I think I am so discouraged and feeling so guilty that we seem to have brought out these behaviors in him. I want the best for him, and I want to be a good mother. It hurts so much to feel that I am failing him and that I have contributed to this.

I think starting with the school counselor/social worker is advisable. The school offer screenings as needed, but more importantly additional data in terms of your son's behaviors outside of the home setting. ODD is common - but I tend to think it can be overdiagnosed. And if your son had minimal behavioral concerns prior to his sibling's death - this may be more of an adjustment disorder.

You are a loving and caring mom - that jumps off of the screen. Your son is most certainly a great kid - we all need some help every now and then. Take a deep breath, and reach out for some help. Your older child will be just fine.

Huge - annie