please bear with me, this may be long. yesterday was an extremely hard day. it's been seven months since our only child, Julianna, died, at 7 months and 11 days old. she was born with multiple congenital anomalies, never got a true diagnosis or cause for her issues, but she was perfect to us nonetheless. it was a combination of these issues and pneumonia that took her from us very suddenly and unexpectedly. the fact that I am already 35 and have already had a child born with unexplained defects causes me a lot of stress when thinking of having another baby. I don't feel ready emotionally to undergo another pregnancy and birth (Julianna's birth was quite an ordeal), but I feel that time is not on our side. I worry that by the time I feel ready to handle 9 months of worrying, I will have missed my window. I have several friends, both older and younger, who have dealt with infertility, and a family history of it, although I had no problems conceiving the first time. I am having more trouble gauging how emotionally ready I am to parent another child. i think i could be, but I don't know how to know. I know that some days I am still reeling from her loss. but I also know that I will most likely have those days for the rest of my life, and that they are fairly infrequent these days. I know that most days, I am ok. not great, but carrying on as best I can. i even have a few good ones here and there. i know that i miss Julianna terribly and i know that will never, ever go away. i also know that i miss being a mom terribly. it's the only thing I've always wanted to be-a mom. (and i know that i am and will forever be a mom, but i want to parent a living child).
a couple of months after Julianna died, we went to see our doctor and geneticist and i also went to an informational meeting about adopting a child through fostering. we wanted to keep all options for having a future child on the table, if biologically was not in our family's best interests.
so back to yesterday. bad day all around for my husband and i. we cried. a lot. i wrote to Julianna in the journal i keep for her, while sitting in "her" chair, the glider i picked out specially to fit both my human baby and my furbaby. now it's just me and Doug in the chair and it feels too big. i was missing her, but i was also missing the things we did in that chair. i was missing bedtime stories, and morning snuggles and Santa's visit last Christmas. I was missing the image of my husband, in that chair, holding a baby and watching the snow fall. or taking a cat nap with a sleeping baby. i was missing being a parent and missing my husband being a dad. as the day wore on, i finally ran out of tears. and then i got an email from my sister that changed everything.
it was a forward from one of the foster moms that i had met at the informational meeting. she currently has a 4 month old baby girl in her care, who will be eligible for adoption as of November. at that time, she will be removed from this foster mom's home, the only home she has ever lived in, and placed in a new foster home, hopefully the home that home that she will be adopted into. this woman is seeking out adoptive parents for this baby, because being placed in the adoptable eligible home is not a guarantee of adoption, for one. two, there is a lack of foster homes and adoptive parents in our state. and finally, she would love for this child to be placed in a home where she can maintain some sort of contact with the child, or even just track her progress. the bio parents are both drug addicts who have expressed virtually no interest in being parents to this baby. they even had their visitation stripped by a judge for failure to show up. the caseworker seems to think that this will be a relatively smooth and quick adoption, once a suitable home has been found.
i don't know what to make of all this. my mind is swirling with a million thoughts, but surprisingly, my emotions are not. i didn't have any gut feelings about this one way or the other, but my first thought was "this is a baby who needs a home. and we are a home who needs a baby." and i keep thinking that. my husband is leaning towards no. more like "no way!" he has many valid, practical points why it might not be a good idea, and i have many, valid and practical counter arguments. we both agree that it deserves serious consideration, and i made it clear that if he feels that he is in no way ready for this, then the discussion is over. i was merely playing devil's advocate and looking at all sides. (it's funny how we both had exact opposite initial thoughts on it. he was thinking with his head, i with my heart. we make complement each other, he and i.)
so this is where we're at. we agreed to both do some more thinking about it, and talk again soon. my sister has offered to arrange a meeting with the baby, and we could sit down and talk with the foster mom again. i might throw that out there and see if my husband is interested enough to do that. anyone out there find themselves in a similar situation? or a rainbow baby earlier than anticipated when you were unsure of your readiness? again, sorry so long.

Wow- I can only imagine what you're going through. I'm so sorry. I was 35 when we lost our first daughter at full term. Four months later we were surprisingly pregnant again, and gratefully I had a healthy baby when I was 36. My husband and I decided that if something went wrong with a subsequent pregnancy then we would look into adoption. But he really wanted to have a living biological child. The closeness of the pregnancies was hard- more so emotionally-- while I am so happy to have my second daughter, I pushed a lot of sorrow and grief deep down just to make it through the pregnancy and to take care of my baby. I am learning more now how to parent both of my daughters. I agree with you about how that baby needs a home and your home needs a baby- you and your husband are the only ones who can determine if this particular baby is the one for your home now. Personally I wouldn't be able to handle the adoption and caring of a baby if my husband wasn't totally on board with me. Hope this helpful to just know I'm thinking about you, your husband, and Julianna.

I can't really offer much advice but I can see meeting her just to see how both you and your husband respond to her and the thought of raising her. Maybe then you will feel in your gut whatever is the right decision for you both. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you find joy again in your life with a family one way or another, though Julianna will always be in your hearts.