It's been two years since Eva died. I can scarce believe that it's been two years, but there you go. I have older children. I have been blessed with a rainbow baby.

But sometimes the anger just overtakes me and I am just.so.angry!

I yell at my kids and then ask their forgiveness. I hate that this is a part of their childhood. I hate that my daughter is dead and I hate that I still just can't seem to deal.

I hate this life sometimes still...even though I know I have it good. I can know it all with my head but I just miss her so much...and that never changes.

And the anger is right there....simmering just beneath the surface. Hardly anything can set it off.

Oh, Em. Yes. The anger that simmers below the surface of everything, still, two years later. Joy has come back, and our rainbow is so awesome, and really, life is pretty good these days. But there's still one of us missing. There will always be one of us missing. And that makes me feel bitterness and rage and makes me a touchy, irritable tyrant at times -- and yes, sometimes it seems like the littlest, most innocent things can set it off. I miss my girl. Remembering your sweet Eva and sending you a big hug today.

Thanks Amanda.

Thanks Amanda.

I'm still so angry and sad. Today has been a particularly sad day. Nothing really happened to set it off. I just miss her so much. I just wish that Charlotte, my beautiful daughter, had not died. I heard a song that reminds me of her in the car today, and I just cried and cried. I haven't done that in a while, but it amazes me how fresh it all feels sometimes. I'm sorry that Eva is not here to be a big sister to Nathan. I'm sorry for all of us that there will always be beautiful, perfect little people missing from our lives. XX

Thanks for posting. I find I'm just not the smiling and patient person I used to be. People tell me I'm back to myself, especially when they see me joyfully with my rainbow baby, but they have no idea how I feel inside. Only my husband can see the change, and I'm sorry for that.

Em- I had a conversation with a friend about this little girl I am now carrying and how I hate that her big sister isn't here and how unfair it all is.. and my friend commented by saying, ' It sounds like you are still angry because you haven't let it go yet, and once you do, I'll be able to give my new baby all this love and joy'. She meant well, but it really bothered me until I saw your post. I'm relieved to not be alone in this feeling. Thank you.

xoxo