My maternity leave ends tomorrow. I have been living in this wonderful bubble of baby, breathing in every minute of Rosabella. It has been almost 15 weeks since I worked and I am not at all ready to go back, but financially this is the way our lives work. I only took off 3 weeks after Grace died, being at home alone was driving me crazy, I needed distraction from the weight of my grief. These months with Rosabella has been so healing, I cry about Grace often, my DH and I talk about her more than ever she is completely present in our lives as we wonder at her growing, amazing little sister. Now back to my "real" life and I am so sad, so sad for all the questions about if this was my first baby, the awkward pause when I decide do I mention Grace or not? Finally feeling good about breast feeding and now having to pump and worry again about if my girl is getting enough milk. Having to deal with clients and my boss and the pressure of needing to produce otherwise I could get fired, have my pay cut or have to work 5 10 hour days instead of 4 (all options have been explained to me by my bosses at a lunch meeting 1 month ago). God what a mess, can't my only job be being Grace and Rosabella's Mom for a little longer?

Hi Grace's Mom. I start back to work this week, too, which is unusual in Canada, but my husband has a great leave policy and for me this is a terrible time career-wise to stop working for a year. I am only working part time, teaching one class at a local university and teaching another online and doing some writing projects. When I get to work on things, I feel excited and interested in what I am doing, but just thinking about working or how to make time for it...I resent it so much. I just want to sit and soak in every bit of my little M. He is my last baby and my baby after Anja and I just want to sit and be with his baby-ness as much as I can. So, no helpful words of 'wisdom' for you, but total understanding...I wish you luck this week, and peace from harrassing questions, and send lots of hugs...

I'm not due back until just after Xmas but I already feel sick, like you, financially this is how our lives have to work too plus I have no choice but to put her with a childminder as we have no family around. It's a horrible feeling, I just want to win the lottery and stay with her. Let us know how it goes if you can x

I am so with you, Grace's Mom. I go back to work two weeks from tomorrow, and I'm so sad about it. I have been a complete workaholic for my entire adult life, so this is uncharted territory for me. I would give almost anything to be able to just stay home with Gabe, all day every day. I never would have imagined that I could ever have that desire. In addition to the sadness of going back to work, I'm having a last minute glitch in my childcare plans. My mom was supposed to keep Gabe so I don't have to put him in daycare until he's atleast a year old. My sister had a serious accident resulting in severe injuries in another state, so my mom is now there caring for her. It is unlikely that she will be back before I have to return to work, so I'm now faced with the unexpected task of finding and paying for daycare. I am a single mom and there are almost never times that I would want it to be any different. But this is one of those times. I wish that there were another income around here so that returning to my 65 hour a week job wasn't a total necessity. I don't care about my job anymore. I just want to be home with my baby. I know that in time I will get back into the work groove and find a balance, but for now it just makes me really, really sad.

I had a similar conversation with my former administrators prior to returning from leave after Ethan's birth and death. It added an unnecessary layer of pressure and stress. As if grieving one baby and raising another isn't enough to fill your hands and mind.

Sending you peace as you navigate this adjustment.