Today in the car my son and daughter were talking about how one of the kids at their daycare has a baby brother. Sami (she is four) mentioned that she misses her baby brother, always a heart touching occurrence. I was surprised when Rowan, (3) who doesn't usually participate in these conversations said "Baby Rhys is dead." So matter of fact. It has been almost a year since his death and my son, for the first time, talked about him like that. Then he said "A monster killed him."

I know it is wrong of me to take the innocent words of my child and make them about me. He was sharing his thoughts on how the world works with me. I said outwardly "No sweetheart, no monster got him, his body just stopped working." In my head though, I had the thoughts that I cannot hide from... the guilty, shameful thoughts... the thoughts that I did something wrong. The thoughts that tell me I let him die. I killed him. I am the monster.

Instead I talked to my kids about monsters. I asked them what they thought monsters were, where they would see them. I explained that monsters are not something they need to worry about. No monster got baby Rhys...

At least I have to make myself believe that.

No a monster didnt get Rhys, he was stolen yes but that monster called fate, evil, darkness, the devil whatever doesnt HAVE him, he is too beautiful and perfect for that. I like to think of Zia as an angel baby, with God in heaven. Im not that religious anymore, too angry for that but if there is a heaven and hell, Rhys and Zia are in heaven.
And ni Minna, you did nothing wrong, you didnt kill him. I just wanted to say that, you know it deep inside but i wanted to say it. Even i see myself as the one who killed Zia some days. My sins and wrongs fall over me like a shroud BUT NOTHING! NOTHING we have ever done or will ever do deserves this!

Oh Minna.....I have never had an experience like this....but I think I would have the same reaction! One little trigger and I'm back on the "it's my fault" train. I'd say don't beat yourself up over it, but I know I can't help it. It sounds like you did a wonderful job collecting yourself and explaining what happened to the kids. Nice job under pressure mamma! :)

Minna, my 4 year old often throws out explanations like this for things that are hard to understand, and in a way I think he gets to the heart of things even though it's technically not accurate. I sometimes picture death as a monster (a big black bird, like a crow, hovering and waiting to snatch away ones we love). I'm sure I would have responded like you did since kids need reassurance, but in your thinking you could shift from guilt to imagining the monster as death if that's helpful.

Minna, I'm so sorry. You are not a monster - but our guilt is one of the real monsters hiding. I can't fully shake it. If love alone could have saved our babies they would be with us. My 4-year-old declared today that Ethan died when the sun hit is eyes. Um, not exactly. Sending you love.

Minna,
I thought you did a good job handling that conversation.
You are a good mom.