Sometimes being a parent feels like you have to constantly vacuum seal your emotions. The same goes for being a wife. Its like I have to constantly seal up my hurt after losing Zia so that things can be as close to normal for my husband and son. But thats not always easy. It really hurts sometimes to not be able to talk to anyone, yes, not even my husband, the way i talk here. Its like I have to hold it together, its expected but it feels like everyone wants me to forget Zia and you know what I cant, so I vacuum seal, it hurts like hell cos its all compressed inside sucking the air from me but i have to do it. I know we all deal with grief differently but its really crap when you feel like youre the only one dying inside. There were times, before Glow when I thought life would be better for all if i joined Zia, then everyone could proceed as always with no nutcase grief stricken mother getting in the way of normal, whatever that is. But then I thought of my son and I know thats not right, i know he needs ne and loves me and i would be proving im a crappy mum.

Zia, In my opinion, you don't have to do this. I don't know if you and your son have a grief counselor. Kids are more sensitive and intuitive than most adults out there. Months after our baby died, my then 4-year-old would ask me out of the blue. "Mommy, are you still sad because our baby died?" It's OK for them to know. Hiding feelings under the rug creates more trauma than the rawness of the hurt itself. I'm sorry you felt suicidal, I think we've all been there. Even I felt like this, in spite of the trauma I experienced from my Dad's suicide. I'm "glad" Glow helped you somehow. My son died 18 months ago, and I still feel home here. People IRL just don't have the same perspective. It still makes me feel rather inappropriate.
Just let it out. I'm sure your DH hurts too, in his own way. They're different from us, but still it surprises me how my DH remembers our son in the most unexpected ways. Don't judge his grief, and he will learn not to judge yours.

Sending peace to you and your family,

Karine, you said that beautifully. It's so hard for partners to see us broken. For our children to witness the aftermath of death intimately. But I don't think those things are avoidable. Something bad happened to them as well, it effects the whole family. I don't think there is a healthy way to prevent, and protect, our family from the effects. I do think it is hard, intensely so, to see the impact of grief, depression and trauma, on the relationships that stand. I tend to be of the thought that allowing the feelings to wash over you, to move through the grief instead of around it (or vacuum seal it perhaps, especially so early on in your grief), give us and our relationships the best chance to be healthy and strong going forward.

You aren't alone though, my kids saw me cry all of the time. They would draw me pictures to make me happy, and I used to fear that my depression and grief, I guess my PTSD too, would mess them up. But you know what? It hasn't. I think it's been hard for them sometimes, but not too hard. And now they know it's ok to have hard feelings. And that it's ok not to vacuum seal them. Each family is different, and as parents we model how our children will grow to handle their emotions.

I alsmog died in the emergency c-section when Ethan was born. I know the depression that causes the suicidal thoughts. I wondered whether my family would be less damaged by my death during that section too, than they were from my resulting grief, etc. but the truth is, your family needs you here too. Beautifully broken and all. It's ok, and important, to reach out for help if those suicidal thoughts are there. I did. And it helped.

And we here at glow are always here, always.

Sorry Jo-Anne, I just realized I called you Zia...

No need for sorry :-) its an honour!

I thought so, even though it really was unintentional. ; )

:-)