When Ethan died I promised him I'd be the best mom to his siblings. Almost like it was something I could do to honor his memory. And most days, I feel pretty good about it. But on occasion, tonight being one of them, life happens and i am not at my best. my 6, 4 and 2-year-olds have challenging behaviors and tonight I yelled at them. I know they aren't scarred for life, but I feel as if I let myself down, let them down, let Ethan down somehow. There I was raising my voice to my kids about not lying and being disrespectful - and now I feel as if I wasted precious time with my alive children being negative.

I'm not quite sure how to articulate it. But it's almost as if I have an irrational expectation that I will be the perfect mother once Ethan died. For now I know how fragile life is and just how blessed I am to parent living children. Tonight I failed that irrational expectation. And that's hard.

Does anyone else find themselves having higher expectations of their parenting after their loss?

I have only been a parent for 8.5 weeks, but I have experienced some of this. As you know, Gabriel has been a demanding baby, and I am a single mother. I've experienced frustration, anger, despair...sometimes all three at the same time. I understand what you are feeling, Annie. The first time I really lost it over Gabriel, I was devastated, and so ashamed of myself. Because I know what it feels like when a baby does not come home from the hospital, I feel like I have no right to even have those feelings, much less express them out loud. I have no right to feel anything other than gratitude and joy. I would give the world for Charlotte to be here, and I have no right to take another opportunity to parent a living child for granted, or to experience any negative emotions about Gabriel or being his mother.

Something clicked with me the other day, though. Charlotte would not have been a perfect baby, and I would not have been her perfect mother. The fact that we have survived the deaths of our children does not exempt us from the regular challenges and frustrations that go along with parenting our living ones. I would give anything to have that imperfect little girl, and to have the opportunity to be her sometimes wonderful, sometimes totally inadequate mother. I won't ever have that chance, but I will be that mother to Gabriel. Flawed, but doing my best and loving him with all my might. Just like you love Jackson, Ryan, and Caroline every day.

We need to give ourselves a break. Love to you, and all four of your beautiful babies. XX

Annie, I completely understand. When Rosabella is screaming her head off and I need to pee and had a rotten night's sleep because she was restless it is hard. We are not perfect, we can just do our best. You have your hands full with that group of ages! Toddlers are challenging and you are doing a great job!

I have high expectations of myself too Annie, also feeling like I shouldn't lose my temper with my living kids because I am so lucky to have them. I do apologise for my less than stellar parenting moments, explaining to my littles I am having a rough day and we need to work as a team to take care of each other. My kids can always sense when tension is high and their worst behaviour always appears then! When I least can manage it!

Two things help me, my mottos are "Be the person you want your kids to be" so when I see myself heading off on a rant I take a deep breath and try again. Also I say to myself "Surrender, this too shall pass" and find the patience somewhere to turn the getting ready to go out or to bed or whatever into a ridiculous giggly game. And whatever I was actually trying to achieve, like laundry, making beds, dinner.... Will still be there later.

Your kids know how much you love them and are very lucky to have you, you teach them a great deal in recovering from a bad moment too. (At least that's what I tell myself, often!)

Being a good parent unfortunately entails a bit of shouting, the occasional threat even a smack, well the mummy type of smack that a four year old shrugs off and continues on his way. Losing Ethan doesnt make you inhuman, please dont forget that. Your living kids are gonna drive you mad if you dont discipline them. Losing your child doesnt reflect on your ability to parent, if that makes any sense. But no, what you promised Ethan was not "irrational" but at the same time shouting at your three living kids didnt mean you broke that promise, i hope you get my ramblings and that you not be so hard on yourself.

You see, i love my Brady with my whole heart and i did so before Zia came inti existence, i will always love him as I do her, even though she is gone. Im the same parent that I was to Brady before 16 July, the difference is, im less likely to take him for granted, im more aware of how fragile life is. So where I would say I love you 5 times a day, ive doubled that.

Youre not going back on your word, u need to see that.

Be kind to you Annie :-)

Oh, Annie, YES. Every time I've gotten frustrated or yelled at or even smacked Freya (this morning, in fact, when she kicked me in the boobies -- HARD -- while I was just trying to get the @#%$% pants on her!), I've felt an overwhelming shadow of guilt almost instantly afterwards. It's AWFUL and it makes me feel like the most rotten mother ever when I get impatient. I feel as a BLM that those normal parenting reactions just aren't allowed because I KNOW the alternative and should be grateful for every single second. And I am. But some of those seconds (minutes... hours ... days...) sure are hard sometimes. I'm not proud of losing my temper, but I think it's pretty normal.

Nikki, I really appreciate what you wrote. It sums it up so perfectly. I'd have been the same inadequate yet fantastic mom to my Charlotte if she'd lived, and I now have the opportunity to be that perfectly imperfect mom for Freya. We set higher standards for ourselves, I think, because of our experiences with loss but at the end of the day we're just parents doing our best and loving our kids. All of them.

Hello Annie, I want to second every single word that Amanda wrote. Including the smacking bit, and I feel terrible, terrible for it, too. Monster mum instead of the super mum I should be.

So much guilt. About my impatience, about her having to grow up with this mess, about her losing her little sister and having to grow up as an only child now, about missing out on her precious first few years in a way, too, because every single memory I have since things took a turn for the worse with E is clouded by grief, and that includes memories of her.

My therapist keeps reassuring me that things are certainly not good, but good enough for her. We're all doing the best we can. What more can you do?

Love to you. If you are worried about yelling this once, then it sounds to me like you're doing a very amazing job.

I can't thank you all enough for your words of validation and support. The next day was better, but those moments can be so hard! I am sure part of me felt like such a crap mom in that moment because 30 plus strangers witnessed it. Ugh.

You all are wonderful parents and friends to me here. Thanks for helping me yet again.