Hi All, I was filling out the title of this post and I realized how very sad it is. I mean, I know how sad it is, but sometimes you get a window into the world you live in and that was one of those moments. For those of us in this world where babies die, this topic is an important reality, but oh, how sad. Sorry to editorialize before even asking my question!

We're coming up on the 1st anniversary of Chiara's death/birth. The next 2 weeks are filled with the anniversaries of the terrible days and unfolding story of her loss. It is bizarre to recall them so clearly as I sit here nursing a 7 week old. A mindf@$k for sure. I am so grateful. I am still so sad.

I want to celebrate Chiara's birthday with our little family of 4. We don't have a grave to visit, as she was cremated and is still with us. I thought we might get pink cupcakes, sing happy birthday, and maybe color a card together. For those with young children, what have you done to mark the birthday of your lost child? The first year? Each year after? How did it go? I'm very interested to hear your suggestions. I want to honor the occasion in a way that can involve all of us.

We celebrated Eva's first birthday two months after she died. We got angel food cake and sang happy birthday. I cried the ENTIRE day. We also bought a 'growing up girls' statuette with the number 1 on it.

For her second birthday we bought another angel food cake. Bought statuette number 2. Sang happy birthday and I wanted presents at her birthday so I bought presents for my other children to open.

This year, for her third birthday, we are planning on having angel food cake again. Buying statuette number 3 and hiring a professional photographer to come and take family photos for us. If we can't have her in them at least we can have them on her day. It's something I would like to do again every year. Family photos on her birthday. An activity and a tradition. However, there is no way I could have done that the first year. It was too hard. But now I'm ready.

So pathetic but what the f*ck can you do? It all sucks and we make the best of the worst.

Hugs as you approach this intense milestone.
Em

We celebrated Eva's first birthday two months after she died. We got angel food cake and sang happy birthday. I cried the ENTIRE day. We also bought a 'growing up girls' statuette with the number 1 on it.

For her second birthday we bought another angel food cake. Bought statuette number 2. Sang happy birthday and I wanted presents at her birthday so I bought presents for my other children to open.

This year, for her third birthday, we are planning on having angel food cake again. Buying statuette number 3 and hiring a professional photographer to come and take family photos for us. If we can't have her in them at least we can have them on her day. It's something I would like to do again every year. Family photos on her birthday. An activity and a tradition. However, there is no way I could have done that the first year. It was too hard. But now I'm ready.

So pathetic but what the f*ck can you do? It all sucks and we make the best of the worst.

Hugs as you approach this intense milestone.
Em

Em - I really like the idea of doing family pictures on Eva's birthday. I might borrow that one.

Aurelia - I also experienced Charlotte's first birthday with a new baby. Gabriel was six days old. I did not celebrate Charlotte's birthday this year. It was all just too overwhelming for me. I did find some quiet alone time with Gabriel to tell him about his sister for the first time. That felt right to me in the moment, and it helped me to get in the habit of talking to him about her. It was sad and I cried alot, but I also felt more peace while talking quietly to Gabe about his sister than I ever expected to feel. We will celebrate her birthday next year, and it is important to me that Charlotte becomes a part of Gabriel's consciousness and that he remembers her. I'm not sure what that will look like in the future. The only other thing that I have done so far was to take out her special stuffed animal and take some pictures of Gabe with it. I think I will do that at important milestones, and I will find a way to incorporate that stuffed animal into family pictures that we take together. I would say that, for this year especially, go with whatever feels right to you in the moment and don't put a bunch of pressure on yourself to celebrate Chiara's birthday in just the "right" way. There is no right way. This stuff is just really, really hard and will continue to be a work in progress. I was really stressed out at the time that I wasn't honoring her memory well enough. But then I realized that I do that everyday. And while I do want to have a special tradition for her birthday in the future, I needed to cut myself some slack this year. Sorry. That was kind of rambling.

Ethan's siblings decorated his birthday cupcakes for him. And ate them. Sang happy birthday and celebrated the gift that their brother has been to our family. We did something special as a family, visited the ocean and the kids rode their bikes on a path there. We also do this thing where his siblings paint beach stones for Ethan on special occasions, or when they just feel moved to do so. So they painted stones.

Thinking of you all as you navigate this time. Much love to you.

Thank you for sharing this and posting about this topic. Aurelia, I appreciate what you said about "getting a window into your own life" - yes, this is one of those realities that parents of dead children have to consider. A thing that in another life, you never would have imagined yourself wondering about or trying to plan. There's no pinterest board for this.

We haven't gotten to Acacia's first birthday yet, but yesterday would have been her three month birthday - eight days away from 100 days, a celebration that is important in my family, but one that I felt was inappropriate for Acacia. The 100 days celebration comes from a time when babies often died shortly after birth, and is a thanksgiving that the baby and mother have survived thus far. I resent that I have this taken from me too - that in addition to her death, I can't mark this anniversary of her birth in the same way I did with her big sister. Instead that I have to find different ways to mark her existence, her life and her death.

Anyhow, I mentioned it casually to my 4 year old - tomorrow is Acacia's three month birthday - and she insisted that we needed to bake a cake and put candles in it and sing, and she would not let up, so I did all of those things with her and she seemed to find it very comforting. I wasn't prepared so I was a little stressed, I just wanted to sit on the couch. But I appreciate my older daughter's innocence in believing that just because her sister was dead didn't mean we couldn't celebrate her birth.

I also lit the candles and freshened up the flowers I keep on the bookshelf with Acacia's picture, and I added two little rose quartz candle holders and lit those candles just to make it extra pretty. That's something I do whenever I think of Acacia, when I'm sad or happy or just miss her. Steven's brother and sister in law came and visited us in the evening to just be with us and that was nice.

I'm looking forward to doing something special for Acacia's birthday next year and appreciate reading what others have done.

I like the idea of painting stones. The grief counselor we see told us that children can't process the loss all at once the way that adults understand mostly at once what has happened, but that over time they come to understand what death and loss are. It would be nice to have some activities my 4 year old could do as she grows.

Aurelia:
I'm so sorry Chiara isn't here with you. Congratulations on your new baby! I too, am coming up to the one year anniversary of losing Olivia. She was stillborn on August 25th. Sometimes I wonder how we made a whole year.
We are planning on going out of town for the weekend of the 25th. I read somewhere about having a pink balloon to represent your baby. I got one pink balloon for my boys birthday party and intend to do that each year so at least I know she is represented. I think I might do a small balloon release with the boys on her day. I too don't have a grave to viist but am seriously considering burying her ashes with my dad's grave. It's all just too much to think about right now. So, for now she's home with us. I am also searching for the "right" thing to do to honor my little girl but I think the previous posters are right, whatever you do will be right.

Joanne - I really like the pink balloon idea, and I just might incorporate that into Gabriel's birthdays. Great idea!

I was pregnant with Rosabella for Grace's first birthday, her B day is 2 days before my DH's, so I made him a full sized cake and her a miniature heart shaped cake. We went to the Botanical gardens and out to lunch. I cried, a lot and sobbed while trying to sing happy birthday to her and blow out that one candle. I am not sure what we will do as Rosabella gets older. I know there will always be a little cake. I would like to donate gifts to the local hospital or children's charities. I have a book of Mandalas that you can color, I had planned to color several for her birthday or even ask online friends to color one for her and collect them in a book, but with working full time, being pregnant... it never happened. Maybe I will try harder this year. As others have said whatever you do will be special.

I'm planning to get Zia pink balloons, the helium ones with the numbers on them and send them up to say Happy Birthday! One from each of us!

My oldest daughter is just over two and a half and August 25th is our second daughter's first year anniversary as well. I bought these biodegradable wish lanterns ( disclaimer here is that you do light a fuel cell and it suggests on the packaging not to light near trees, brush, etc. By water seems like the only safe place then). There are 10 to a pack, almost like mini hot air balloons and I thought each year we could release one. They are somewhat fragile, almost like tissue paper, but I was thinking this year I'd write one of the poems I recited at her funeral with her name and birthday on it. In the future years, I'd like to have the kids paint them or write a message to her on them. I like the idea of a ritual. We have her ashes buried at a cremation wall in a cemetery with a beautiful plaque, so we will visit there too.

I have baby clothes/hats/shoes/matching Christmas dresses my girls never wore that I'm planning to drop off the week of her anniversary to an organization that provides new or gently used items to families here in Boston who need the financial help. The organization is called "room to grow." It helps for the first 3 years. I plan to buy items that are age appropriate over the next couple years and donate. I think in the future I would like to have my daughter pick out some books or toys to give.

I will be exactly 20 weeks pregnant on her anniversary with our third. All so hard, as you all have already mentioned. I am grateful for this site and for the understanding that only a fellow baby lost parent can provide.

I have really appreciated all of your responses, and the beautiful ideas you suggested. I love them all, the pictures, the painted stones, balloons, wish lanterns, and donations to honor the memory of our babes. Thank you. Last night was Chiara's birthday. We lit the candles from her due date service: 1 for our other lost relatives, 1 for all lost babies, 1 for Chiara. We placed flowers around her urn. We sang happy birthday and ate cake. My husband and I cried through the singing. Our 3 year old belted out happy birthday and my new babe quietly nursed. It was all very hard, but I am so glad that we did it.

Today I got fabric to make a prayer flag for Carly Marie's Project Heal day of remembrance on Monday. It seems timely. I'm also going to look into the wish lanterns for next year. I think they are a beautiful idea. Thank you all. Love to each of you as you honor your own babes with your families. XO