Hi. I am still living in the pregnancy after loss threads, but I was wondering if any of you knew of books, movies, seminars, etc. for parents of "only" children born after their sibling died. I have found a lot of resources for children who knew their siblings, but none at all that cover things like how to tell a child he or she had an older sibling he never knew. I wish there was a manual or something. I'm concerned that the lack of material on the topic implies that you shouldn't tell a child about a sibling they never knew, and that wouldn't feel right to me at all. I know I won't really be dealing with those issues for a while yet, but I feel such anxiety about getting it right, I want to be as prepared as possible.

I haven't actually read this book, and it appears from the cover that it may reference angels (which I know is not for everyone), but I am aware of this book (Someone Came Before You):

http://www.amazon.com/Someone-Came-Before-You-Schwiebert/dp/0972424156/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pd_S_nC?ie=UTF8&colid=1ERCYID4OMB9R&coliid=ICIE4HCKWE4W4

I also noticed in the "Customers who bought this item also bought" section this one (My Baby Big Sister):

http://www.amazon.com/Baby-Big-Sister-Subsequent-Pregnancy/dp/1451579764/ref=pd_sim_b_10

Thanks! I just followed your links and ordered them both.

Thanks for posing this question, KC, and for sharing the resource, Christine's Mom. I will check these books out, since Charlotte was my first child and I am still figuring out how I will talk to Gabe about her.

KC - One thing that I started doing shortly after Gabriel was born was to talk to him about Charlotte often, particularly when I am in moments of deep grief. It makes me feel better in the moment, and I like the fact that he will be hearing about her from the beginning and his sister won't be something that I tell him about one day when he's older. He will grow up having always known about her. I also have a special song that I sang to Charlotte throughout my pregnancy with her. I sing it to him often, in the hopes that the song will be special to him, too. I call it Charlotte's song, so he will hopefully always associate it with his sweet sister. I'm figuring it out as I go, but these are two of the things that I'm feeling good about right now.

KC I was thinking about you and TR last week with your anniversary dates so close to Griffin's birthday. Obviously I'm in your boat and not yet at the point of having a living baby after loosing our first, but wanted to share a friend's way of handling this exact problem with her subsequent children. She's the older sister of a friend of my husband's that I had never met. She sent us a beautiful card shortly after Griffin passed and told me her story briefly. I've been in touch with her since, even went to her house for lunch though she lives 1.5hrs away, and it's given me a much clearer vision of how I want to handle Griffin being a part of not only our lives, but our children's lives in the future as well. Hopefully this helps you think about what you'd like to do as well - though it's by no means a manual.

Andrea lost her first son, Nicholas, when he was 4 days old. She got pregnant within 6 months with a second son, and then went on to have a third son and then a daughter through the next 5 years or so. The kids are now 21, 19, and 16. She and her husband talked about Nicholas with all of their kids from the time they were born, much like Nikki I think. They talked about him just like they always did before the kids were born and so the kids accepted that as part of their life from the beginning, never knowing any differently and never knowing it was strange or different to have a brother that had passed away before they were born. Every year they have a cake with candles and decorate it based on how old he would be. The whole family participates. She said when the kids were little there were of course awkward times when they were too little to really understand but they'd talk about him to other people. They'd say things like, "My brother, in heaven..." or "I had another brother but he died." She said people were always shocked to hear these things randomly come out of a 3yr old's(or whatever age) mouth. These other people/strangers would often be uncomfortable after hearing something like that, but she figured as long as she and her kids knew all about him, as long as they were comfortable, it didn't matter what other people thought or how it affected them. She said she'd rather have her kids talking about him like this when they didn't fully understand than not know about him or feel like he was a secret they had to keep.

Andrea was given a small white stocking for Christmas the year she was pregnant with Nicholas. The next Christmas, though he had passed away and she now had a rainbow baby, she hung it up with their stockings as well. But she hung it on top of hers since it was so little and it felt right to have his stocking with hers. That became a tradition for them, to always hang his little white stocking with her bigger one each year, no matter who hung them. One year her oldest son came home with a few friends and they asked about the little white stocking. She overheard him say, "Oh, that's Nicholas's stocking." She said it was so touching how much a part of their lives he had always been and how much her kids always knew and talked about him like it was normal, even though they never knew him.

So, whenever I worry about this, I think about Andrea and Nicholas, and her whole family. It's helped me think positively that we will have a family after loosing Griffin and it's helped me think about how we will incorporate him into his siblings' lives. I have a feeling it will be strange at times, but I remind myself, "This is my life." I have to make the best of it for myself, my husband, and our (hopefully) future children. Andrea's way seems like a great way to do that.

KC, please let us know how you like the books! I hope to need them someday, too.

Jessica, what a wonderful post. I love, love the idea of a stocking. I had made stockings for the four of us a couple years ago and have fabric scraps leftover that I saved. I think I will use scraps from each of our stockings to make a smaller one for our Christine, so that she will be a part of our Christmas each year.

Thanks, mamas. I will definitely post a review when I read the books!

Jessica - I really appreciate your remembering TR on his birthday, and touched that he entered the world at the same time as your darling Griffin. I saw your post in the pregnancy thread, and was feeling too overwhelmed to respond then. Thinking of you, as I know your anniversary dates continue.

Nikki - I love the notion of your singing Charlotte's song to Gabriel. I have a song I sang to TR, as well, and I wish I could sing it to this baby. But it has a bit of a "TR is the best baby ever and nobody else could ever compare" flavor to it. At the time my husband came up with it, we thought it was hilarious, but now I can imagine this baby singing it to a therapist, years down the road, as evidence of how he or she could never measure up. ;)

I like the stocking idea, too. Last year, my husband and I couldn't decide to hang a stocking for TR or not, so we didn't hang any stockings or do any Christmas at all. But in the future, I think it would feel right.

Hugs, ladies!

KC, it definitely doesn't sound like TR's song would be one to sing to this baby. Maybe your husband can come up with a new one that mentions both babies? In my case, it wasn't an original creation. Charlotte's song is "Silly Love Songs" by Paul McCartney. I have loved that song since childhood, and the "I love you" chorus is so sweet and happy. I sang it to Charlotte all the time, and I used to imagine us singing it together in the car. I still cry every time I sing it to Gabe, but it's getting better. It really sucks that we have to think about these things, doesn't it?

Hi Ladies, I just received my copy of "My Baby Big Sister". It's very good. It addresses lots of important questions in a simple and accessible way. It definitely made me cry. I look forward to sharing it with my new babe when he is ready.

We have talked really openly with our now 3 year old son about losing our daughter since it happened last year. He has mourned with us and he remembers Chiara with us. He's probably the one person besides my husband and me who remembers her most. He brings her up from time to time and it is not easy, but it is easier than it was. Time helps. It is still hard to hear, "there was a baby in your belly and she died" out of the blue over breakfast at o'dark-thirty, but it doesn't reduce me to tears like it used to. I am sad that our son had to learn about death and grief so young, and had to see us in such pain. I know he found it hard to understand. We were always very honest and matter of fact with him, though, and I'm very glad about that. I hope it can help him with future losses. A macabre thing to think of, but we are all going at some point.

I love the idea of Nicholas' little stocking on top of his mom's. I may have to do that this Christmas. It will be close to Chiara's due date anniversary which will be hard. Thanks for the idea and for the book recommendations. They were helpful. Good luck to all who are navigating this path.

My son, born a year and a week after our first son died, is now almost 2, and talks about his brother a lot. He knows him by his photograph, which is displayed in our bedroom. He often picks it up, looks at it, and says, "Otis. Baby. Otis baby sleeping. Night night, baby." I wear a chain with tags with both my boys' names and birthdates on them. Owen now plays with them, jingles them and cradles them in his fingers as we snuggle. He knows that Otis's tag is the pink (rosegold) one, and that his (owen's) is the silver one. He knows I wear a "wish stone" with both the tags and just the other day he grabbed the stone and said, "Make a wish, mama" (which I tell him, and he kisses the stone.) He picks up his stone and says "owen's tag" and picks up his brother's and says "otis."

He is far too young to understand death, or even siblings, I think, but hearing him say Otis's name fills my heart with love. (The other day we were looking at an alphabet book and we got to the letter O, I asked, "Whose name starts with O?" thinking he'd say "Owen!" and instead, he said, "OTIS!" and I breathed into that moment wanting to hold it in my heart forever.

In time, we will share more. I think for now, just having him know Otis's name, and that he is (was) a baby who we love very much, is enough.