We are coming up to the one year anniversary of losing Olivia. Its been looming over my head for weeks and now that it is so close I'm finding it hard to breathe. And to parent my two loving little boys. How can I be present for them when all I want to do is curl in a ball and cry. All. day. long. It's not fair to them but I'm just so overcome with grief. How did you get through it mamas?

Can't say it was pretty for me, at least the week of his birthday and the four days of his life and then his death. I just tried to breathe, and allow myself to cry. We've been rather open with our other children about their brothers death and our grief afterwards. So I explained to them that if they saw me cry, why that was, and that they always make me happy. And assured them that y sad moments and days would pass, and that I would be ok. As would they.

I tried to ask for family and friends to be on standby if I needed to call them in - so I could grieve actively if needed, while someone took the kids to the playground or to ride bikes, etc.

It wasn't always pretty, but I did survive somehow. Sending you extra love as Olivia's birthday and anniversary of it all approaches. Try to be patient with yourself Joanne. There is no book for how to survive this, we just figure it out along the way.

Joanne,

I am not yet 5 months out from my loss. But I can so relate to your title, "it's just so hard." Sometimes I feel like that phrase is on repeat in my mind. It is hard enough to deal with the grief by itself, let alone continue on and be the mom I need to be to my 5 and 2 year olds. I hate that they have had to witness my grief and agony over the past several months, because it has, at times, been very strong and evident. They are wonderful comforts to me, but I hate that my son has to draw me pictures of rainbows and hearts to cheer me up when I'm sad, and that my daughter has to put her arms around me and say "Sowwy, mommy, sowwy, mommy," over and over. I should be the one cheering them up and protecting them from these dark, heavy emotions they should not yet have to see.

It's just so hard. It's just so hard. It's just so hard. I'm still very much in the "getting through it" and hope that someday I'll be able to look back and say, "Well, I did indeed survive that horror, and so did my children." I'm sorry that you have had to walk this road, too. I wish I had words of comfort or advice, but I'm afraid all that I can offer at this point is that I understand.