My name is Amanda and I lost my first born Grace at 32 weeks gestataion Feb 10, 2012. I gave birth to a beautiful rainbow daughter May 22, 2013 named Rosabella (although we often still call her by her in-utero name Baby Bear). I am still grieving for Grace, but having new mom issues with Rosabella. I am a member of some online groups for moms, but I have not mentioned Grace... So my life is fragmented at present: getting support for parenting my living child from Moms who have never experienced loss, and getting support here for grieving my darling girl who I never got the chance to parent, but being afraid to mention my living girl. Thank you so much for starting this board so I can do both things with mamas who know.

I'm so happy to see this new board. I lost my daughter Christine to a placental abruption in March. She was so wanted and so loved, and losing her has been devastating.

I also have two living children - a 2 year-old girl and a 5 year-old boy. They are wonderful children and have been some of my greatest comforts after losing Christine, but parenting them through my often overwhelming grief has brought unexpected challenges and has not, as other babylost parents with living children can attest, lessened the grief I have experience over losing a beautiful, perfect, completely unique little girl. A gaping hole remains in my heart and in our family without Christine here. Sometimes I watch my little girl and cannot hold back the tears as I imagine my other little girl who should be beside her.

I am also now TTC, so should we be blessed with another living child, we will also enter the realm of parenting after loss, which I can only imagine will bring new challenges and joys. In short, I am very happy to see this board - thank you for creating this space.

Count me as another parent who appreciates this place.

My first, Foster, was stillborn at 39w in March 2010. His little brother was born May 2011 and I'm now 23w pregnant with #3 (a little girl).

My DH and I struggle with parenting after loss, trying to find the balance between over and under parenting. We're struggling but hopefully finding a way. Parenting a toddler is apparently hard no matter how you slice it, but I think some days are worse because we know we should feel grateful too.

This is such a needed forum. Thank you.

We lost our first born, Samuel in 2008. He was full term. Due to undetectable complications both in the last week of my pregnancy and at birth, we let him go when he was 7 days old. I was pregnant with our rainbow son 12 weeks after Samuel's birth. He would be considered an "Irish twin" and his surprise for us is that he has Down syndrome. He was born in 2009. (and doing amazing, btw) Our sunshine girl was born in 2012.

I would welcome stories about how you talk about your lost one with their younger siblings. How do you celebrate your lost one and how reassure the others.

Thanks for starting this, Angie. I have one living child, a son who is four years old. My babies Leo and Sofia died at 19 and 16 weeks in April 2012 and 2013. Their deaths are as yet unexplained. My first son doesn't know about his lost siblings yet, but I would like to tell him someday. Hearing others' stories about how to talk to kids about loss and how to commemorate babies who've died is helpful to me. I also struggle with feeling hypervigilant about my living child. I try to keep it just as my own feelings/fears and not let it make me overprotective, but it is difficult!

This forum is an awesome idea. There are so many times that I have felt uncomfortable about posting something about my children for fear of hurting someone.

I have a living son and a daughter, 3 and 4 years old, Rowan and Sami respectively. Their baby brother, Rhys, was born in August of last year, and died less than six weeks later, take by SIDS.

Lhotse, I get how it is, feeling the need to be hyper vigilant. I used to be such a relaxed parent, now I am afraid of everything.

Thank you so much for the new board.

I'm so happy to see this thread. I've been reading (lurking?) since we lost our second, our sweet baby James, on February 28 at 25 weeks. This community has been a lifeline for me, but I haven't posted before today.

Our daughter E just turned 4 and we are working through grief on so many levels, individually, as a family and trying to help her understand what happened to James (we have no explanation for his death) and the changes his death has wrought on me, my husband and our family structure. Trying to parent well is such a challenge now, particularly wrestling my heightened anxiety levels under control. I look forward to benefiting from the wisdom of those who have been walking this path longer than I.

I am so happy to see this board!

I am a single mother by choice and have conceived both of my children using donor sperm. I used to participate actively on a single mothers forum, until Charlotte died and became someone on the outside looking in. Charlotte's death was compared with early miscarriages and chemical pregnancies, and the conversations quickly returned to what type of stroller to buy, and I knew that I would not be able to relate with those women again. Now that I have a living child to parent, I have been feeling very worried about not having a place where I could find support for the grieving and the parenting parts of me.

My first child, my daughter Charlotte, was stillborn at 39w5d on June 26, 2012. I became pregnant again right away, and struggled with managing fresh grief and a new pregnancy simultaneously. My second child, my son Gabriel, was born four weeks ago on June 20, just six days before Charlotte's first birthday. Gabriel is a treasure, and I am so grateful for him every minute of the day. And, he is a living reminder of all that I lost when Charlotte died, and the life that I will never have with my sweet girl. Like Grace's Mom, I am learning how to parent a living child for the first time. Like Bronwyn, I wonder how I will talk to Gabriel about Charlotte, how I will make her a part of his life.

I am so grateful to have this space where there are others who understand what it is like to navigate parenting and grieving simultaneously. Thank you!

Nikki,

Congratulations on the birth of your son! What a wonderful name. Having gone through back to back pregnancies after a loss, I know what a trial of endurance it is.

So far, with my living children, I have made no secret of Sam. His picture hangs prominently on the wall along side their own. Also, I had a memory bear made to hold his urn which the children know about, and my daughter absolutely loves. She often requests to hold him and she gives him kisses. (melts my heart). Obviously, they don't really know who he is or what the significance of the bear is. I am hoping that, as I have always freely spoken about him, he will always be an integral part of our family. On his birthday we do a balloon release on the beach and we talk about him and hug his bear.

If you would like to see his bear you can follow this link. He's the big blue guy half way down.

http://www.tammybears.com/teddybabies.html

Echoing everyone else's gratitude for this thread. Thankyou

Bronwyn,

We also have a special bear - though it does not contain our daughter's ashes, it was given to us at the hospital when I delivered Christine and it is now cherished by our two living children. We keep it on top of a box in our room that holds our special things from/for Christine and they frequently request to hold it. Sometimes it seems that my 2-year-old thinks the bear IS Christine, but it is truly touching to see how affectionate she is with it as she squeezes it tight and says, "Oh, Tis-tine." Also, I love to see her light up when she sees a photo of Christine. Though I know she still is too young to understand what happened, she is not too young to understand love. I hope it is this love, and not the pain and sorrow, that will anchor and shape their relationship with their sister as time passes and their understanding grows.

p.s. Bronwyn,

I love Sam's bear!

Grateful for this board, the people here, and for Glow continually supporting us in this journey. Missing your children, along with my Shoshanna Clementine. And really happy to learn about your children who are alive- before and/or after your loss.

Hi All, I'm very grateful for this board. I have a living son who is 3 yo. My daughter Chiara was stillborn at 22 weeks last August. I just gave birth to a subsequent child, a son, in early June. The everyone board was a lifeline for me and the pregnancy board helped me make it through. I, too, have felt like I needed a place to discuss living children and family life after loss in greater depth. Thanks to Glow for hearing the feedback and responding.

I look forward to the conversations to come.

So thankful for this new board!

I'm Mandy. My husband and I lost our first baby, our daughter Brianna, on August 9, 2010 at 25 weeks and 2 days to chorioamnionitis (infection that got into my uterus and infected the placenta and amniotic fluid). It was a very difficult pregnancy even before that point and such a devastating loss. I became pregnant in December, 2010, but that pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage at 8 weeks.

After struggling to get pregnant again, I found out in July of 2012 that we were finally pregnant again. Our rainbow girl, Lauren, was born in March of 2013 and is now 4 months old. My pregnancy with her was also very hard. I was put on bedrest at 20 weeks and later was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. Fortunately, because of everything that happened with my pregnancy with Brianna, I was very closely monitored and we were able to catch all that could go wrong early and therefore, Lauren was born safely into this world.

I love this place...glow has been a lifeline for me over the last 3ish years. And I am so glad to have yet another forum to discuss the challenges and joys of raising a rainbow. Especially since there aren't many people in my real life who get it. it is comforting to know you lovely people understand it and aren't afraid to talk about all the feelings...the joy, the grief, the fears.

Thank you to the moderators for starting this new forum!

Thank you Merry and Angie for giving us this additional, safe space to talk about all of the challenges and joys of parenting after loss.

We lost our first baby, Charlotte, to a cord accident at 39w3d on October 18, 2011, after a normal, blissfully boring pregnancy. We miss her every single day. Her little sister, Freya, was born healthy and screaming on September 24, 2012. We are so thankful for her vibrant presence in our lives.

I wish this board had been here several months ago. I felt so alone and, looking back, think I had some serious PPD after Freya was born. Glow was my safe haven after Charlotte died and throughout Freya's pregnancy, but then I felt like I couldn't really talk about the hardships of having a seriously colicky rainbow baby here without fear of seriously hurting others who were hurting. Now that she's outgrown the colic and other early infancy issues and is a totally awesome 10-month-old, I've felt like I didn't really have a place to talk about the good things, the normal things, and the how-do-we-make-this-life-normal things. I'm so glad to have this new space, and hope we can continue to be the community for each other that we came to rely on and appreciate so much "before."

xoxo, mamas.

I am another who is so glad to have this space. Thank you.

Our fourth child and only daughter, Eva, died at 10 months old to surgical complications of heart surgery. It was very sudden and devastating.

I wanted another baby right away. Not everyone feels that way but that's how I felt. To complicate this matter my DH had had a vasectomy when Eva was 4 months old. He got a reversal in Jan 2012 and we conceived in July 2012 (sounds like a neat little packafe, but it wasn't).

Our rainbow baby, Nathan, was born April 2012. We are so grateful to have him but still long for our precious Eva. One of the hardest things I have trouble wrapping my head around is the utter GONE ness of Eva and the very REAL ness of Nathan. Nathan who would not have existed without the death of his sister. So complicated. My heart reels daily at this fact.

I am looking fwd to seeing this space unfold.

Em

I am another who is so glad to have this space. Thank you.

Our fourth child and only daughter, Eva, died at 10 months old to surgical complications of heart surgery. It was very sudden and devastating.

I wanted another baby right away. Not everyone feels that way but that's how I felt. To complicate this matter my DH had had a vasectomy when Eva was 4 months old. He got a reversal in Jan 2012 and we conceived in July 2012 (sounds like a neat little packafe, but it wasn't).

Our rainbow baby, Nathan, was born April 2012. We are so grateful to have him but still long for our precious Eva. One of the hardest things I have trouble wrapping my head around is the utter GONE ness of Eva and the very REAL ness of Nathan. Nathan who would not have existed without the death of his sister. So complicated. My heart reels daily at this fact.

I am looking fwd to seeing this space unfold.

Em

I'm Via. I found support on Glow while TTC and during the pregnancy and am very grateful that this new space has been created, thankyou.

My first son, Jack, died on his due date while I was in early labour, cause of death believed to be cord accident. That was Sep 23, 2010.

My second son, Samuel Jem, was born May 22 this year. (He's 10 weeks old now). It's been a journey of major anxiety mixed with the most beautiful falling in love moments. I had an acute stress reaction straight after his birth and had issues with panic attacks for weeks afterwards. I've started seeing a counsellor for PPD/anxiety tho, and I think that's really helping. As Samuel reaches certain 'firsts' it does bring on grief waves. After Samuel had his first full faced wide open smile, I sobbed for hours. The place of grief I went to felt very raw, like the fresh days after Jack died. Sometimes it feels as if the more I fall in love with Samuel, the more I miss Jack. I know now exactly what Jack, and I, missed out on.

I've been attending a Mum's Group for new mum's in my local area. I haven't been able to tell them that actually, I'm not really a new mum and that I have a son called Jack..I've had two full term pregnancies, and two labours and births, and many topics of discussion touch on those experiences so it's hard for me to not accidently say things like 'well in my last pregnancy.....' or, 'this birth was easy, my first bub was 9Lb's etc etc'. It just felt like I'd be dropping a bomb, unsure of how people will react, not wanting everyone just to think of me as that sad mum whose baby died... It's an ongoing group and I do need the support that it provides as we all go through learning to be a mother. I'm hoping to feel comfortable enough to eventually tell them, because at the moment it feels as if I'm lying, as if only half of me is present. Having Jack has been part of what has shaped me as a mother.

It's why I think a space like this is invaluable, a place where we as mothers have that extra thing in common. I often wonder how I will 'introduce' Samuel to the fact that he has a big brother, so am keen to here from others on that.

Bronwyn, I'm so sorry if my Samuel's name proves to be a trigger for you. I can refer to him as Jem if so, that wouldn't bother me at all, so please be honest if it does trigger, I'd totally understand if so. There's actually a Samuel and a Jack in my IRL mum's group, and I've found that interesting...

Thankyou again, for creating this space for us all.
x

Glad you are here, Via!

Hi. I'm new to Glow...I feel like I don't even know how to introduce myself and my children because this is all so new to me but in any case, my second child, Sebastian, died about a month ago (well, 5 weeks and 3 days ago) at 9 days old. My first, my daughter, is nearly 21 months old. So, like Angie described, I'm struggling with how to figure out just how much she understands and how to talk to her about Sebastian. And, lately I've found myself getting incredibly impatient and frustrated with her. I think it's the typical joys of parenting a toddler, combined with her slower language development, plus my grief and anger about Sebastian's death. I've been reading and digging around on here and have already found it tremendously helpful so I'm hopeful to get some support - and hopefully help others too, eventually!

Laurie,
I'm so sorry for the loss of precious Sebastian. I love the name Sebastian. You could post a new thread in the for one and all section of here if you want. Loads more people will see your post and respond.
Sending love and hope.
Em

I have been reading along since this space was started, but have yet to jump in an introduce myself. I have a daughter, E, who is now four and a half years old. She had just turned three when our second daughter, Anja, was stillborn. We now have a son, M, who is 3 months old, born 15 months after Anja died. I am grateful for this space, glad it has been started.

The thing that prompted me to wade in today was Laurie's post above and the comment about being impatient and frustrated with Sebastian's big sister. I just want to say that I found it incredibly difficult to parent E after Anja died. I was an awful mother and I felt so, so guilty about it and I felt I couldn't talk about it anywhere because I was supposed to be so grateful for E; I was supposed to be so lucky to have her; she was supposed to pull me through; no complaining, ever, about living children. But, honestly, all I wanted to do was go check myself into a hotel room somewhere where I would not have to deal with her and all her needs for a while. I needed to be with Anja, to tend to my needs and my grief, and the demands of a just-turned-three year old would not allow that. I still cringe when I think of those weeks but I am trying not to feel guilty, to recognize that I was doing the best I could in a terrible terrible situation. I am glad we have this space here now to share some of these less-than-admirable feelings. I felt so alone and so awful and so...monster-like. I just want anyone else reading this who has had similar experiences to know they are not alone.

Em, thank you for your reply. I think I'll "introduce" myself on the general board, too.

JLD, yes, yes, yes to wanting to escape to be by myself without having to worry about needs of my daughter and to feeling like I'm a terrible mother right now and then so guilty about it. It is helpful to air out these thoughts and also to hear that others have gone through similar! Thank you for posting.