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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

not ttc | infertility after loss > I dont want a baby anymore

When my baby girl died 4 months ago I immediately obssessed at the idea of falling pregnant again.
Over the past month that idea doesnt sound like its mine. I'm becoming more and more frightened of going though another pregnancy and even having a baby to care for. My partner and I are not in a great place right now, in fact I'm not sure we ever have been, he often gives me the silent treatment when he cant handle his own situations, anyway, we are not great and we have agreed that by summer if he doesn't deal with his shit and things carry on we will split. I want this more and more. And now I dont even want a baby ive realised it's ok to split.
I dont understand how I went from so badly wanting one to not. I know the self love work I have been doing has contributed but its strange that such a big life choice has been completely turned upside down.
Anyone else been in a similar situation?
Thanks
November 24, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterMachaela
Hi Machaela,
Sorry to hear about your baby girl passing, and the difficulties you and your partner are experiencing. I hope you can resolve your issues as a couple in the best way possible for you.

I haven't been in this exact same situation, but wanted to offer a possible explanation to the shift you're feeling. If you lost your darling baby daughter during birth or shortly afterwards, your hormones were probably the ones that caused you to obsess about a baby. After all, you were all ready to take care of a baby and you were supposed to be obsessing about a live baby. Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be. Now, as time passes, the hormones normalize and you can probably bring in more of your emotions (grief, sadness, fear of losing another baby, your situation with partner) into the mix and that you are listening to yourself and what you need as a person.

I hope I'm making sense, and wish you all the best. Please take care and keep listening to what your body and your emotions tell you.
November 26, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterEYR
EYR, I totally agree with your hormone explanation. I really don't think this is explained enough to women post loss and there is this huge assumption that going on to have another baby as soon as possible is the solution to the loss scenario. It can take months to well over a year for the body to return to its baseline again - even longer if PTSD is involved.

Machaela, the impact of babyloss can put a massive strain on a couple - different ways of grieving, different ways of coping, as well as brutally exposing all of our own and partners weaknesses. Like you say, sometimes the problems were there before the loss, but other times the couple just feel crushed by the enormity of the tragedy and a lack of support to find a way through.

Wishing you love and gentleness as you explore your options and find the right way forward for you x
November 30, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterMango Mummy
Thank you for your messages and the poqsible hormone explanation. It totally makes sense so thanks for opening my eyes.
I'm now grieving all over again for the happy family I so wanted us to be and that will never be.
Am just taking everything as it comes - feeling, acknowledging, accepting then doing something about it if need by.
Gosh life is hard.
December 2, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterMachaela
I felt the same way as you too. I wanted desperately to have another in the 4 subsequent weeks, and I think the shock of my son’s death plus yes the hormones played into it. I also was deeply obsessed with my husband for weeks, as if I didn’t know what to do with all of the love I had for my son who wasn’t there physically to receive it. Then the following four weeks I totally rejected the idea of getting pregnant again— too risky, too stressful, too traumatic. But now in these last two weeks, I may be softening to the idea of TTC. Maybe give yourself time to process and know that you don’t have to make a decision now.
December 16, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterSadMama
As some of the other Glow mamas have said in the beginning there's so many hormones going on in your body. In the beginning, all I wanted was a baby, not just any baby, I wanted him, Gabriel.. A few months later, I felt like I would never love a baby the same way that I loved him so it wouldn't be fair to have another. It was truly pissing me off every time I heard someone say "Just have another one and you will feel better" I think I heard this since at least 1 month after my son's passing. I didn't want another though. My love for my son was and is so pure and unconditional. My husband and I have to go through IVF to conceive. My husband basically pushed me to do another egg retrieval in October. I remember the fights with him and thoughts of never wanting another baby again if I couldn't have my son back. I was so angry. In some ways, I'm thankful that my husband did give me the nudge as I don't think I would have ever done it myself. We are planning on doing our transfer in January. That could change though as I'm still scared. I think I will always be scared. I will be scared even up to the moment when it's time to deliver since that's when I lost him. The fear that another child will die on me is so real and I think it will always be. You fear the worst because the worse has happened to you. It would be naive to think that it couldn't happen again. I'm trying really hard to not let the fear get the best of me. I'm always going to be scared but I'm scared more not to try again. Do what feels right for you and give yourself time to close the open wounds. Remember this is something no one should ever have to face, but we weren't given a choice. Hugs to you!
December 17, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterG's mom
It has been up and down for me. My first reaction was that I'm never, ever doing the whole pregnancy thing again. And I didn't feel ready for quite some time. In fact I think we started trying again (about a year later) only because of my age. But we were nervous, and it didn't happen for months, and then I miscarried after 10 weeks. In the end I had a new baby three years post-loss, and even though that was an emotional roller-coaster, I think it wasn't nearly as bad as for those who conceived while acutely grieving. Less anxiety, fewer check-ups, fewer invasive measures. It makes a lot of sense to give yourself plenty of time, and to think about whether your partner is the person you want to have living children with. Sometimes loss can be a good prompt for cleaning up your life.
March 20, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterAna