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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

not ttc | infertility after loss > Will I ever come to terms with not ttc?

will I ever come to terms with the fact that it'll never be three kids running around in the house?
We are not trying for #4, and I don't think we'll ever be trying either. Secretly I'm hoping and dreaming of a miracle to happen, that we'll fall
pregnant by ourselfe, but I guess that's too much to ask. I've been off the pill since 2007 and nothing have ever happend without ICSI.
Hitting 38 by the end of this month aswell, we need to make a decition soon.

Missing little miss S as crazy these days.
September 19, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterScandinavian endo-girl
Every month I'm desperately, secretly hoping right along side you. We aren't trying for #4 either. I would be if my husband was willing, but he's done. I'm not sure how you turn the desire for another one off. I've been trying to do that for 2 years now. I don't really have any words of wisdom for you but I'm right there with you.
September 22, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEjb
I completely relate... We lost our first son due to placental abruption. I feel very fortunate that we welcomed two healthy boys after that. The pregnancies were emotionally brutal though. Our third son will be turning one soon... And I'm starting to long for another baby already. But what I've come to realize is that I will always, always have one less child than I wish for. one child will always be missing. Even if I have ten more... I have a friend who is one of nine. One of his sisters died as a baby. At his wedding, his mom, tears in her eyes told me: "I look at all my children and then I catch myself, it's not ALL my children. I still miss Genevieve..." 40+ years later. So yeah, I'll just have to come to terms that it will never be ALL my children. So I guess I can't really tell if my desire for another baby is the genuine wish for another kid or my longing for Stefan... Before, I always thought I wanted two children.
In any event, I am turning 39 in a month, and I can't imagine going through pregnancy again, either physically or emotionally. So I think this is it for me, and yes, it's sad and unsettling, but hopefully OK in the end. (And again, I am aware how incredibly lucky I am to be even in this situation).
Sending hugs,
October 3, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMira
I just wanted to comment.... hugs to you and anyone else on this forum. I am not done ttc after recently suffering a miscarriage. But my husband is and has made it very clear we will not ever try for another. This is splitting us apart. I love him and he is an amazing father to our other children, but fear this will end us. How do I find the strength to get through this? I feel like I'm condemned to a life of pain and suffering.... he has taken away any hope or chance at helping me to heal. Am I the most selfish person?
October 7, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterSL
Well, over a year after, and I still feel that longing for #4 that never will happen...
November 27, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterScandinavian endo-girl
So many "yeps" to this forum. Scandinavian endo-girl, I'm the same. My desire is actually stronger. I just turned 39 so maybe it's because I know time is running out. And SL, yes, I hear you. This has most definitely put a strain on our marriage. My husband does not want another. He won't budge, at all. He won't even try and doesn't care how I feel. It hurts. When does this feeling go away? Does it? I'm tired of being forced to let go of things against my will.
November 27, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterSTB
I am a little later in joining the conversation, but in the same situation. In an especially cruel twist of fate, just when I finally thought I had made peace with not having another child, I turned 40 recently and my period was mysteriously 3 weeks late. Had never happened before and I thus thought I might be pregnant. My husband - who is adamant about not wanting more children despite earlier having agreed to one more - was surprisingly ok with it. Of course I was not. It reopened this longing that I now again cannot seem to crush. It has been really difficult for us as well. I know I will never replace our daughter or bring her back. And I am sure that if I were to have another child, it would be another boy (we have two living sons), so it is not about that. I simply cannot seem to let go. And the other options I have generated - adoption, fostering, short-term fostering, seem to be agreed to and then backed away from. So I keep working on somehow letting go while secretly hoping I somehow fall pregnant. No wisdom or comfort, I am afraid, just empathy!
December 11, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterJane