not ttc | infertility after loss > Adoption?
My husband and I are pursing adoption after our twins (conceived through IVF) were stillborn last March. If you ever need to talk, have questions, or just need to rage at insanity of life (how did we get here?!), I'm here.
Good luck to you in your journey. I'm praying for your peace of mind in the days ahead.
Good luck to you in your journey. I'm praying for your peace of mind in the days ahead.
March 30, 2017 |
Leah
Leah
Leah - thank you SO MUCH for posting a reply. I sincerely hope we can stay in touch as both of our journeys continue to unfold. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your twins and so sorry that you also know the sting of infertility, which only makes the deaths of our precious children all the more senseless and cruel. We endured so much to get them, for the chance to meet them, parent them, LOVE them and then they're taken away and we're just left here to pick up the pieces and try to find a path forward.
At present, we're really struggling with feelings of guilt: guilt that we're even thinking of pursuing adoption when Evelyn has only been gone for 7.5 months, guilt and fear that she's thinking we've forgotten about her (which of course could never, ever happen and couldn't be further from the truth), and guilt that our pursuit of adoption could be misconstrued by outsiders as "moving on" - too quickly? -- as opposed to what it really is, which is moving forward, however tentatively, and trying to find meaning and joy and hope again after suffering such a tragedy. And a different kind of sadness has set in, too, different from what we've "grown used to" in the months since Evie's passing. There is this deep sadness of knowing that whatever child is at the end of this journey, that it will never be a child that Evelyn will grow up right alongside. This sibling, this not-yet-born (or even conceived) child of ours, will never know her, and we'll never get to watch them grow up together as we should have, as THEY should have. It's just so overwhelming in so many ways. I feel like my mind is all muddled with emotion, and going in so many different directions.
If you feel you can, please share with me what you've experienced thus far. How are you feeling on this particular path? Are you happy with the agency you have chosen? What has been the most difficult part? What has surprised you? I'm anxious to hear it all. Thank you for extending your hand and I wish you all the best as you continue forward.
At present, we're really struggling with feelings of guilt: guilt that we're even thinking of pursuing adoption when Evelyn has only been gone for 7.5 months, guilt and fear that she's thinking we've forgotten about her (which of course could never, ever happen and couldn't be further from the truth), and guilt that our pursuit of adoption could be misconstrued by outsiders as "moving on" - too quickly? -- as opposed to what it really is, which is moving forward, however tentatively, and trying to find meaning and joy and hope again after suffering such a tragedy. And a different kind of sadness has set in, too, different from what we've "grown used to" in the months since Evie's passing. There is this deep sadness of knowing that whatever child is at the end of this journey, that it will never be a child that Evelyn will grow up right alongside. This sibling, this not-yet-born (or even conceived) child of ours, will never know her, and we'll never get to watch them grow up together as we should have, as THEY should have. It's just so overwhelming in so many ways. I feel like my mind is all muddled with emotion, and going in so many different directions.
If you feel you can, please share with me what you've experienced thus far. How are you feeling on this particular path? Are you happy with the agency you have chosen? What has been the most difficult part? What has surprised you? I'm anxious to hear it all. Thank you for extending your hand and I wish you all the best as you continue forward.
March 30, 2017 |
Melissa
Melissa
Oh Melissa, you are so welcome!
The decision to move from where you are at is one that takes a lot of prayer and tears. When we decided to go the adoption route, it had only been a little less than 4 months since we lost Jonah and Emory. While I was still very much mourning my children, I also knew that the process of selecting an agency, and then finding the funds to actually adopt, would take some time. You are familiar with not only the awful cruelness of having your child die, but also, the financial strain of trying to even have that child(ren) in the first place. I honestly didn't know how we were going to make it happen, but felt in my heart that it was where God was leading us.
I actually really love the agency that we've chosen - American Adoptions. They are a national agency, so our profile will be shown around the country. They have a team of people that work with you and basically hold your hand through the process, so you never feel alone. We also have a Facebook group and in-person meet ups, so you can get to know people who are going through/have gone through what you are experiencing. The support is really awesome!
I'd say that the most difficult thing has been the waffling in my own brain. Are we doing the right thing? I miss my children....I don't WANT any other children! I DO want to be a mother! And a myriad of other thoughts that will run rampant if you let them. There are days when I think that this journey has taken so long, that maybe it's a sign that it's just not meant to be. But then I feel that longing to parent a living child, and I know that God placed that longing in my heart for a reason. My child is out there somewhere, and they will have an incredible story to tell--one where their birth mother did the most selfless thing possible and allowed me to parent her child. We really hope to have a good relationship with our child's birth parents, so that they will have a network of people who love them. It's not how I thought I'd ever parent, but I'm coming around to the idea.
One of the things that has surprised me most about this journey, are the number of people who have surrounded us in prayer and support. We started a GoFundMe as part of our fundraising efforts (we also did a Bonfire shirt sale, a Lularoe party, and coffee shop singing gigs), and so, SO many people have supported us, including perfect strangers. The amount of other people who also want us to be parents is pretty incredible and we know that we wouldn't be able to do this (without a massive loan), without them. So some advice? Find support, be it your friends, family or a group. You will NEED them.
So tell me this--are you guys dipping your toe in the waters? If you are interested in knowing more about our agency, I can give you the name and number of our contact because he was amazing. Adoption brings a LOT of emotion, so don't be surprised if you feel overwhelmed. Just like infertility treatments, you never really know what's going to happen, but you put yourself our there and pray for the best.
You and Evie are on my heart this afternoon. Sometimes, it just helps to know that someone else is thinking about your child too. Let me know what other questions you have!
The decision to move from where you are at is one that takes a lot of prayer and tears. When we decided to go the adoption route, it had only been a little less than 4 months since we lost Jonah and Emory. While I was still very much mourning my children, I also knew that the process of selecting an agency, and then finding the funds to actually adopt, would take some time. You are familiar with not only the awful cruelness of having your child die, but also, the financial strain of trying to even have that child(ren) in the first place. I honestly didn't know how we were going to make it happen, but felt in my heart that it was where God was leading us.
I actually really love the agency that we've chosen - American Adoptions. They are a national agency, so our profile will be shown around the country. They have a team of people that work with you and basically hold your hand through the process, so you never feel alone. We also have a Facebook group and in-person meet ups, so you can get to know people who are going through/have gone through what you are experiencing. The support is really awesome!
I'd say that the most difficult thing has been the waffling in my own brain. Are we doing the right thing? I miss my children....I don't WANT any other children! I DO want to be a mother! And a myriad of other thoughts that will run rampant if you let them. There are days when I think that this journey has taken so long, that maybe it's a sign that it's just not meant to be. But then I feel that longing to parent a living child, and I know that God placed that longing in my heart for a reason. My child is out there somewhere, and they will have an incredible story to tell--one where their birth mother did the most selfless thing possible and allowed me to parent her child. We really hope to have a good relationship with our child's birth parents, so that they will have a network of people who love them. It's not how I thought I'd ever parent, but I'm coming around to the idea.
One of the things that has surprised me most about this journey, are the number of people who have surrounded us in prayer and support. We started a GoFundMe as part of our fundraising efforts (we also did a Bonfire shirt sale, a Lularoe party, and coffee shop singing gigs), and so, SO many people have supported us, including perfect strangers. The amount of other people who also want us to be parents is pretty incredible and we know that we wouldn't be able to do this (without a massive loan), without them. So some advice? Find support, be it your friends, family or a group. You will NEED them.
So tell me this--are you guys dipping your toe in the waters? If you are interested in knowing more about our agency, I can give you the name and number of our contact because he was amazing. Adoption brings a LOT of emotion, so don't be surprised if you feel overwhelmed. Just like infertility treatments, you never really know what's going to happen, but you put yourself our there and pray for the best.
You and Evie are on my heart this afternoon. Sometimes, it just helps to know that someone else is thinking about your child too. Let me know what other questions you have!
March 31, 2017 |
Leah
Leah
Hi Leah,
Thank you so much for sharing about your adoption journey thus far. You are so right, the waffling is really so hard, and is what we're struggling with now, even in the very early stages. Is this what we're supposed to do? Is this even going to work out and is it worth it to be so vulnerable again? To spend so much money again? What if this, what if that. But I also absolutely agree that the desire to parent a living child is so strong which leads us to believe that this is indeed the right path for us now.
We have actually looked in to three agencies thus far, and American Adoptions is one of them. I've talked to a guy there and he sent us the information packet and unfortunately, their fee schedule is above what we can afford. Over the past 9 yrs, we've spend $50,000+ on infertility treatments and their $42,000+ fee schedule is beyond what we can commit to. At least, that's our thinking for the time being. Right now, I think we're leaning more towards a local agency and have a consultation appointment next month to talk to them a bit more in depth about our specific situation. We'll see how it goes but there is a level of hope that has found us again which is unexpected and welcome. We know it will be a long, difficult journey but it feels right, even though we are already overwhelmed and filled with so many conflicting emotions.
By the time of our appointment, it will be just shy of 9 months since Evelyn's passing -- there will always be an Evelyn shaped hole in our hearts that will never (and should never) be filled, so even though it will difficult and emotional to take these steps forward, we know deep down that it is the right step to take because, as you said, it will likely be a few years before we actually have another child in our arms, with how long the process can take and the unforeseen situations and the task of actually coming up with the funding. But you know all of this. I just so fervently hope, for all of our sakes, that the process is as smooth as possible.
Where are you in the process now? Have you completed your home study and officially waiting to be matched? How did your home study go? Have you made your profile book yet and if so, how did you integrate talking about your children? When talking to the agency, how did they "react and respond" to your infertility history and the deaths of your children? (Also, may I know your twins' names? I'd like to think of them more specifically but if you'd rather not share, I understand.) Sending hugs your way...
Thank you so much for sharing about your adoption journey thus far. You are so right, the waffling is really so hard, and is what we're struggling with now, even in the very early stages. Is this what we're supposed to do? Is this even going to work out and is it worth it to be so vulnerable again? To spend so much money again? What if this, what if that. But I also absolutely agree that the desire to parent a living child is so strong which leads us to believe that this is indeed the right path for us now.
We have actually looked in to three agencies thus far, and American Adoptions is one of them. I've talked to a guy there and he sent us the information packet and unfortunately, their fee schedule is above what we can afford. Over the past 9 yrs, we've spend $50,000+ on infertility treatments and their $42,000+ fee schedule is beyond what we can commit to. At least, that's our thinking for the time being. Right now, I think we're leaning more towards a local agency and have a consultation appointment next month to talk to them a bit more in depth about our specific situation. We'll see how it goes but there is a level of hope that has found us again which is unexpected and welcome. We know it will be a long, difficult journey but it feels right, even though we are already overwhelmed and filled with so many conflicting emotions.
By the time of our appointment, it will be just shy of 9 months since Evelyn's passing -- there will always be an Evelyn shaped hole in our hearts that will never (and should never) be filled, so even though it will difficult and emotional to take these steps forward, we know deep down that it is the right step to take because, as you said, it will likely be a few years before we actually have another child in our arms, with how long the process can take and the unforeseen situations and the task of actually coming up with the funding. But you know all of this. I just so fervently hope, for all of our sakes, that the process is as smooth as possible.
Where are you in the process now? Have you completed your home study and officially waiting to be matched? How did your home study go? Have you made your profile book yet and if so, how did you integrate talking about your children? When talking to the agency, how did they "react and respond" to your infertility history and the deaths of your children? (Also, may I know your twins' names? I'd like to think of them more specifically but if you'd rather not share, I understand.) Sending hugs your way...
April 3, 2017 |
Melissa
Melissa
I wanted to chime in to say we looked into adoption after the passing of our daughter. Actually, she was only gone a few months when we had our first meeting. We didn't become approved as a waiting family until after a year. I guess I needed that time, emotionally. But, we did all the rest (home study & all else) prior to this, because although we were grieving heavily, we knew many people who adopt are grieving, be it infertility or multiple miscarriages. Infant loss is different, but I made it clear that we will never be done grieving, and still want to start the process knowing we will continue to do our "work" while we wait. Our counselor with our agency was understanding of that and encouraged us. Some wouldn't be, and I would steer clear of them. Everyone is hurting in adoption, on both sides & the baby. It's tragically beautiful.
That said, we waited about 1.5 years and were recently placed with a newborn. It is indescribable, amazing, and yet layered with grief and sadness. I'm okay never being okay again- I know it's impossible to go back. I expect this child will bring us a lot of joy (has already), and life and love. But there is complexity in it, and a heaviness, and I am okay with that. I kind of belong here.
There isn't enough talk about adoption on here, but it's a reality for many. I was so happy to see someone else on here inquiring about it. The expenses are outrageous, but if you "go public" with your plans to adopt (we didn't and paid ourselves- not wanting the pressure of anyone's opinions or questions) you can do a go fund me. If you don't, you can do some grants. Borrow against 401k. Borrow from parents. I think lifetime adoptions may be less money, but I'm not sure how much legal costs.
Anyway, both of you lovely women are not alone. I'm walking (walked??) this path, too. And it is an emotional roller coaster, but in the end it is so worth it. If either of you want to talk, contact Glow and give your email addresses & we can talk that way, privately?
That said, we waited about 1.5 years and were recently placed with a newborn. It is indescribable, amazing, and yet layered with grief and sadness. I'm okay never being okay again- I know it's impossible to go back. I expect this child will bring us a lot of joy (has already), and life and love. But there is complexity in it, and a heaviness, and I am okay with that. I kind of belong here.
There isn't enough talk about adoption on here, but it's a reality for many. I was so happy to see someone else on here inquiring about it. The expenses are outrageous, but if you "go public" with your plans to adopt (we didn't and paid ourselves- not wanting the pressure of anyone's opinions or questions) you can do a go fund me. If you don't, you can do some grants. Borrow against 401k. Borrow from parents. I think lifetime adoptions may be less money, but I'm not sure how much legal costs.
Anyway, both of you lovely women are not alone. I'm walking (walked??) this path, too. And it is an emotional roller coaster, but in the end it is so worth it. If either of you want to talk, contact Glow and give your email addresses & we can talk that way, privately?
April 24, 2017 |
Elaina
Elaina
Hi ladies,
I know this thread is a bit old now. I was wondering how things have gone for you? We're just starting to think about adoption. We lost our daughter in 2014 and have a healthy 4.5 year old. I have also struggled to conceive and have had an early missed miscarriage.
Anyway.
I know every person's journey is different but I'd be keen to know more about your experience, two years down the line... if you feel like you can share.
Thanks...
I know this thread is a bit old now. I was wondering how things have gone for you? We're just starting to think about adoption. We lost our daughter in 2014 and have a healthy 4.5 year old. I have also struggled to conceive and have had an early missed miscarriage.
Anyway.
I know every person's journey is different but I'd be keen to know more about your experience, two years down the line... if you feel like you can share.
Thanks...
November 27, 2020 |
Gaby
Gaby
Gaby, I wanted to reach out even though I’m not on the other side yet. We’re pursuing domestic infant adoption after losing our twin girls 3 years ago and having a couple early miscarriages afterwards. As is the case with most things, adoption is a process and there are a mix of emotions that arise. It also seems like COVID has extended the wait. I’m happy to share about that process so far if there are specific aspects that would be helpful for you. I talked with a few other adoptive parents that helped reassure and guide us. Let me know how I can support you!
November 30, 2020 |
t
t
Dear t,
Thank you for your kind answer and offer to support. I'm very sorry to hear about your losses. I have no wise words to offer, just a virtual hug.
We're in the early stages of this decision and the information out there feels a bit overwhelming. There's a couple of helplines here I can try (I'm in the UK) but I haven't yet mustered the courage to do it. I think I need to do some reading before I engage with the system but at the same time I wonder if this is the right thing to do. My marriage, my heart and my career have suffered so much from our losses. I'm old and quite broken inside, even if I function and do my best with my living child. I worry so much about being 'greedy' on this and harming what we've managed to achieve in these past six years. I just honestly don't know what's best.
So... Yes to any sharing that feels appropriate :) if you're in the US not so much on the process itself but on the emotional side, anything that you wish someone had told you on the first month you considered this path.
Thanks again, truly appreciate it.
Much love
Thank you for your kind answer and offer to support. I'm very sorry to hear about your losses. I have no wise words to offer, just a virtual hug.
We're in the early stages of this decision and the information out there feels a bit overwhelming. There's a couple of helplines here I can try (I'm in the UK) but I haven't yet mustered the courage to do it. I think I need to do some reading before I engage with the system but at the same time I wonder if this is the right thing to do. My marriage, my heart and my career have suffered so much from our losses. I'm old and quite broken inside, even if I function and do my best with my living child. I worry so much about being 'greedy' on this and harming what we've managed to achieve in these past six years. I just honestly don't know what's best.
So... Yes to any sharing that feels appropriate :) if you're in the US not so much on the process itself but on the emotional side, anything that you wish someone had told you on the first month you considered this path.
Thanks again, truly appreciate it.
Much love
December 1, 2020 |
Gaby
Gaby
Gaby,
I’m in the US. I completely understand the uncertainty, the anxiety, the avoidance. It feels like calling is a big step in that it acknowledges you’re pursuing adoption or makes it more real in some ways. Even though we desperately long for children, I was so surprised at how long it took me to complete the requirements of adoption. I really struggled to write our dear birth mom letter and make the profile book. In part, it was hard to look through photos and select ones that would represent us and come across our beloved, heart-breaking pregnancy pictures. Feelings of unfairness sometimes arose as I had to meet all these requirements and complete educational activities on parenting. I get it and also a part of me resented having to prove somehow that I was worthy of being a parent. It should have been so different - if only a million times over. How could we be in this position? It’s been quite the process waffling between approach and avoidance, and as the many months pass by I feel guilty that if only I could have made more progress than maybe I would have a child in my arms by now. I’m 41 and my husband is 44. We’re both feeling old and worry about how old we’d be for our future children’s life milestones. Sometimes I feel both horrendously, irreparably broken inside and wonder how I’m able to function at all. But somehow I do. I work full-time in a job that can be demanding and emotionally draining. I worry about being “greedy” too and that maybe I should make peace with not having children after all these years of trying after our daughters died. I resonated with so many of the same feelings you shared. This isn’t advice particular to the first month, but I would say be kind, gracious and patient with yourself. Remember it is a process to find and proceed along the path that’s right for you. Give yourself the space to take the next steps whenever you’re ready and willing. There will be pauses and questioning and grief and joy, and that’s okay. It’s all part of the process. It can be a long one too, so you have multiple opportunities to further consider and change your mind if needed. Whenever you’re ready to call the helpline (wish we had something like that), remember that they’re there to help provide information and support.. It doesn’t commit you to anything. Sometimes you won’t know what’s right until you’re in it. Hope my rambling thoughts help in some way. Love and light to you and your conflicted heart.
I’m in the US. I completely understand the uncertainty, the anxiety, the avoidance. It feels like calling is a big step in that it acknowledges you’re pursuing adoption or makes it more real in some ways. Even though we desperately long for children, I was so surprised at how long it took me to complete the requirements of adoption. I really struggled to write our dear birth mom letter and make the profile book. In part, it was hard to look through photos and select ones that would represent us and come across our beloved, heart-breaking pregnancy pictures. Feelings of unfairness sometimes arose as I had to meet all these requirements and complete educational activities on parenting. I get it and also a part of me resented having to prove somehow that I was worthy of being a parent. It should have been so different - if only a million times over. How could we be in this position? It’s been quite the process waffling between approach and avoidance, and as the many months pass by I feel guilty that if only I could have made more progress than maybe I would have a child in my arms by now. I’m 41 and my husband is 44. We’re both feeling old and worry about how old we’d be for our future children’s life milestones. Sometimes I feel both horrendously, irreparably broken inside and wonder how I’m able to function at all. But somehow I do. I work full-time in a job that can be demanding and emotionally draining. I worry about being “greedy” too and that maybe I should make peace with not having children after all these years of trying after our daughters died. I resonated with so many of the same feelings you shared. This isn’t advice particular to the first month, but I would say be kind, gracious and patient with yourself. Remember it is a process to find and proceed along the path that’s right for you. Give yourself the space to take the next steps whenever you’re ready and willing. There will be pauses and questioning and grief and joy, and that’s okay. It’s all part of the process. It can be a long one too, so you have multiple opportunities to further consider and change your mind if needed. Whenever you’re ready to call the helpline (wish we had something like that), remember that they’re there to help provide information and support.. It doesn’t commit you to anything. Sometimes you won’t know what’s right until you’re in it. Hope my rambling thoughts help in some way. Love and light to you and your conflicted heart.
December 5, 2020 |
t
t
Dear t,
First of all, apologies for the late reply. I read your response as it arrived on my inbox. And I probably have read it 15 times by now.
Yes, to all you said. The waffling, the longing, the anger... And fear. I am so afraid of everything that can go wrong, of these life changing decisions that I feel ill equipped to make, that I *shouldn't* have to make if we were living in the world I believed in back in 2014.
I'm 40. And my daughter's birthday (and her subsequent death day) is next week and Xmas is always hard but this year extra hard as we cannot travel to see family. So this is one of those pauses you mentioned, a time to process, rewire my brain to what our lives could be and sit with it for a while.
Thank you again for your kind words, for replying and holding my virtual hand.
I hope your journey has a lot of joy and love and less pain. It's so hard.
Sending you much love and peace.
First of all, apologies for the late reply. I read your response as it arrived on my inbox. And I probably have read it 15 times by now.
Yes, to all you said. The waffling, the longing, the anger... And fear. I am so afraid of everything that can go wrong, of these life changing decisions that I feel ill equipped to make, that I *shouldn't* have to make if we were living in the world I believed in back in 2014.
I'm 40. And my daughter's birthday (and her subsequent death day) is next week and Xmas is always hard but this year extra hard as we cannot travel to see family. So this is one of those pauses you mentioned, a time to process, rewire my brain to what our lives could be and sit with it for a while.
Thank you again for your kind words, for replying and holding my virtual hand.
I hope your journey has a lot of joy and love and less pain. It's so hard.
Sending you much love and peace.
December 16, 2020 |
Gaby
Gaby
Dear Gaby, Please don’t add the weight of needing to respond to me in a certain timeframe to all that you have to carry already - absolutely no apologies needed. It means so much to me that my words brought comfort, recognition and connection. It’s why I open my broken heart to others - to try to help, to try to have some good come from tragedy. I’m holding you and your precious daughter in my heart this week. I marvel at the power of the internet and this forum to connect you and I so that we can help each other through unimaginable losses. Family gatherings are hard because I am acutely aware of the void of my girls - where they should be sitting at the table, around the Christmas tree, and on and on. It’s also the flurry of holiday cards focused on families, especially babies. I feel like such a Scrooge as I struggle amidst all the cheer and festivities around me. I’m happy for others, and oh so very devastated for myself. I’m here for you, as I know you are for me. I feel bonded to any babylost parent. Wishing you peace, love, and moments of joy in this emotionally complicated week. Here’s to the power of hope and love! -t
December 22, 2020 |
t
t
Is anyone else considering adoption post-loss or has anyone adopted? It's definitely overwhelming already and we're feeling so many emotions but due to our age and how long we've already been on this journey to start/build our family, we feel it is nearing time to continue moving forward with our dream of parenting a living child, and adding a child to our family, a sibling for our Evie. We just have so much love in our hearts to share. Thanks in advance for your replies. Sending love and comfort to all.