Hi

I'm sorry for everyone's losses. The grief and grieving is so hard.

My husband and I are older (39) and conceived and lost our first child last year. A beautiful little girl. We both believed that due to my condition's it would never be an option. We both made peace as best we could. I just got more sad as time passed. We never really discussed it. Then Audrey happened, our little miracle. We lost her probably due to IC.

I now am struggling to put the lid on being a mum to a live child. My husband is undecided if he wants to ttc. I totally understand why, and whilst it's all I want, I will not pressure him or tell him how much this hurts or that I think the only way I will heal is to try again. I don't want him to go through this again.

For those of you who are not ttc, how did you find peace? I'm struggling to come to terms with being a mum to an angel and childless on earth.

Im so sorry about Audrey. And for your pain and heartbreak.

I think it's especially difficult when the mother wants to get pregnant, and the father does not. That seems to open up so many wounds.

For me, it's the opposite. I don't want the emotional and physical responsibility of carrying a baby again. The risk isn't worth the benefit, to me. But that's me, and that's not anyone else.

We are all here on this board for many reasons. Some can't get pregnant and some don't want to. It's so lonely. We are in a small subset of this tiny loss group. No new stories; no rainbows.

I firmly believe we can be happy and lead fulfilling lives in time. But I also think the desire to have a baby will continue to plague some of us and not let go even as time goes by. Adoption isn't brought up often on here, and requires its own work. But it is an option, in time, for many.

I'm so sorry for your loss and for the loss of your hopes and drama for your sweet baby. I hope you find peace no matter what the future brings.

So sorry, my auto-correct wrote "drama", but I meant "dreams".

Elaina

Thank you for your reply. Yes it is a very lonely place. A place that I know many of us find ourselves here. I just don't know how to manage to cope to find a way through the rest of my life childless. I used to manage, before my daughter. I used to sadly accept that my body wasn't made right. But know I now that I can get pregnant, that being a parent was possible. I don't know where to place all the dreams I had for my daughter or the !ongoing that I used to ignore. Its so loud now. I know that I have little choice, I want to be greedy, have my husband and a baby. Oh well.

Sorry for the rant.

Emma,

This is one place you can rant freely & we get it. I hear what you're saying. It's like a cruel trick has been played on you. And now that you tasted the dream, you cannot go back and unknow what you know and unwant what you want. It's so unfair. I'm so sorry.

Elaina

Thank you for hearing me. Its good to be heard.

Sending you love

I'm not sure I have accepted it. I think it's part of my daily grief. BUT I have to meet with a Genetic Counselor about getting a hysterectomy because of BRCA2 gene so at this point I'm all for it. I think not having periods will make my life easier and make my acceptance of no more children easier.

Right now though? I've not made peace with it