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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

not ttc | infertility after loss > Let's share.

Sometimes it's hard to know what to say when life goes on after loss without a new baby to look forward to. Does anyone want to share why you've chosen, or not been able to choose, to have another child? How do you feel about this as time goes on?
October 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterElaina
Hi Elaina

We lost our first child at 16 weeks on 31st July. I want to have another pregnancy. My husband is unsure. So I am in limbo.

I sometimes feel resentful to my husband. He has all the control but cant see it. Othertimes I understand. He is scared, hurting, doesn't want to let me down, plus other issues that make him feel less.

I know he wants to be a dad, but cant bring himself to ttc.

I am lost and stuck. I do know though that I am blessed to know love and to be loved
November 1, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterEmma
It's so many things Elaina, initially I couldn't bare the thought of having another baby simply because it was too soon for me at least. I needed to process my loss and the fact that all the hopes and dreams I had for my family went up in smoke literally. It was too painful to think of having another child when I am without one. I got busy with my living son and I got busy with life. A year after Zia died we had an unexpected miscarriage and the disappointment and shock sort of sealed it for me. I am just okay with the way things are and I am and will always be heartbroken that my daughter isn't with me. I am now 32 and I don't plan on having any more children, the fear of trying again, the fear of another baby dying and even the fear of another baby living, if that makes any sense at all. It's been over three years and I just feel like I can't do this again. I have made my peace with it.
November 16, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJo-Anne
Dear Elaina,
It is hard to think about a new hope, a new pregnancy. I lost Miguel at 39, 4 on October 17, 2016. It has been one month since I had placenta anruption. I am 41 years old, Miguel was my wished second miracle and now I feel empty. I was afraid to talk about trying once more and giveme the chance of giving my 4 year old a sibling. At the beginning of Miguel's pregnancy, he was not happy and during my pregnancy he never really kissed my belly or massage me. He changed at the end of my pregnancy and now he feels devastated. He is afraid to try again but he said, he supports me if I decide to try in 6 months. I know Miguel is unique and that his loss changed me in all senses. I wish I could have the chance again and give my oldest a baby brother or sister to love. I know my age and two c-sections do not help but I just give me time to think about it.
I wish you the best and a good healing process. I am still in shock, devastated and depressed because I lost my child when I needed him the most.
November 20, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMiguel Angel's mom
We just had our second stillbirth at 20 weeks this year and my husband is done. He can't take anymore. And to be honest, I'm not sure I can, either. But I also am heartbroken to never have another baby. Another heavy newborn to nurse. To just be done. Forever. We are lucky to have 2 healthy boys, but it feels so sad to end with two devastating losses.

We are giving ourselves a year to decide. A year ago was the beginning of my 5th pregnancy (I've had 2 early losses) - and I've been pregnant for all but 7 weeks of the past year. With no baby to show for it. We are too broken right now.

We'll see if we get answers. If not, we will look into adopting. I would love another siblings for my boys, but the process of staying pregnant seems so impossible for me.
November 23, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterashley
It is two and a half years since my grandson, Dylan, was stillborn at 37 weeks, followed by two miscarriages. There is not a day that I don't think of him and ask why. I am still so angry and devastated. I don't know how to put it aside or to help my daughter and her husband; they are so strong. I don't want my grief to compound theirs, but sometimes I know it does. I know "the why" will unlikely be answered but I wish I could stop feeling so angry especially when I witness uncaring parenting and parents who live an unhealthy lifestyle yet they have normal and healthy results. I am not looking for anyone to respond but I think just writing is cathartic. Yet, I know that life is uneven and unfair so I need to learn to accept it. It is just so hard.
January 26, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterSandra Dionisopoulos