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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

not ttc | infertility after loss > Is this really the end?

So, my husband came home from the doctor the other day with a referral for a vasectomy. I had no idea that's what he went in for. I knew he'd said he was done having kids but shouldn't he at least discuss it with me first? I was shocked. I couldn't say a thing. To top it all off, he went and dropped this bomb on me THIS month of all months. October 19th will mark five years since we lost our first born at 31 weeks gestation. I'm already an emotional wreck! Is this really the end of my child bearing years? Shouldn't I get a say in this? Am I over-reacting? I'm just so angry, sad, shocked, and everything else in between. All I keep coming back to is the wording on the referral for the reasoning for the vasectomy, "the patient has completed his family". But I'm part of his family. What if I'm not done yet? I know he has legitimate reasons to be done but I'd like to be able to have a part in the decision making on this. I'm so hurt. Has anyone had a similar experience? I'm finding this hard to navigate.
October 9, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterEjb
Wow, that must have been painful with the anniversary date looming.

My husband is still agreeing to try for one more while the odds are against us, so I don't have experience with this. I have thought about how difficult it would be to be on different pages. Yes, I think you should have a say and it should be a family decision. It's so hard after loss. There is something more painful about the end of our reproductive years. It's again that loss of hope for another little one's future that has been our reality. I think no matter how that time comes to an end - by our choice, our spouse's, or nature's it just hurts more after loss. I hope you can have an honest discussion and come to a mutual decision that is best for you all.
October 12, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterKim
Hi Kim, thanks for replying. I think you're right when you say it's the loss or end of our reproductive years that hurts. I so wish my husband and I were on the same page in regards to when that is. It's a tough place. I do respect his decision but I had hoped it would be our decision. Things have been tense the last week or so and it's probably the looming anniversary day of our son's birth/death. Thanks again for replying, it means a lot and all the best to you.
October 15, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterEjb