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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

not ttc | infertility after loss > Trying for #3

Hi All,

It's been almost 8 months since I posted after having my rainbow. Life has been busy, confusing, and a challenge. Having 2 sons has brought so much love in to my life but I'm starting to feel the itch for another baby. I'm questioning if it's the right desire. Am I being greedy? I also fear that if I did get pregnant I wouldn't be able to keep it. I'd lose another baby and is that fair to my husband and boys? It would break me. The fear would probably be paralyzing. But it seems like it's all I can think of as I feel the months tick by and I get further into that range of "high risk" age group. Ugh. Having another baby feels incredibly selfish. How do others deal with this?
August 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
Hi Emily, ugh, I have the same problem. My two rainbows are growing up fast and all I can think about is having another baby. It's just so risky though. I don't want to push my luck and risk losing another or myself for that matter. I can't figure out if this feeling of needing three is because we should have three children already and I'm just longing for the one that can't be here with us or whether I truly do feel like I'm not done yet. My husband is adamant he's done and doesn't want anymore. That doesn't help. I think he's just scared though since my last pregnancy was pretty bad. If anyone has any tips on how to come to terms with being done with this phase of life, I'm all ears. I feel terrible because all I can think about is maybe this month birth control will fail and I'll get pregnant by accident. It's not a great place to be! Sorry Emily, I wish I had more advice for you. All I can do is assure you that you are not alone in this.
August 11, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterEjb
Thanks EJB!
I knew I couldn't be the only one facing this question.

My husband is all for trying again as soon as possible. Which helps in a way and yet doesn't. Since he always has the optimistic view I think he wants to believe we won't have another miscarriage.

I too feel like I should have 4 kids at this point. I feel I waited too long, was too selfish, and I am now reaping what I sowed.
August 11, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterEmilyBW
I 100% relate to this, but my two are before my child who died, so there are no rainbow babies.

I am in the high-risk age group now, my two on earth are getting older, and most days I convince myself I am entirely okay with moving on to this next phase. That I only want three because I have one missing here. Then other days (or weeks on end), I obsess over wanting to get pregnant. Then the fear takes over again, my body tires out & I think, "no way."

I want to adopt, and then I don't, and this in between stage of not knowing if we will have another is taking me out of the present. It is a very difficult place to be. We are not TTC, but sometimes I want to want to.
August 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterElaina
Elaina, You really struck a cord when you said, "this in between stage of not knowing if we will have another is taking me out of the present." That is it, perfectly. I'm not sure if I will regret it either way. Maybe I will and that is just the fact of it. Either way I will weep and it will hurt. Just trying to sit with that thought for a moment and feel the weight of any decision.

I hope you get some clarity. As I do for EJB and myself as well.
August 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterEmilyBW
It's so nice to know you both are right where I am in this. I'm pretty sure we are done because it takes two and my other half isn't willing. I've just got to come to terms with it I guess. I can still secretly hope I suppose. Peace and love to you both during this confusing stage of life.
August 19, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterEjb
Oh I'm here too........ I have 2 rainbows and a daughter we had before Shelby and the thought of a 4th living child is fairly constant for me. I am 35 so right on the cut off for becoming high risk and I know even though it's just a number I don't need anything else to cause more stress during a pregnancy than it already does on it's own!

Financially I think another baby will mean putting our plans to move house on hold and would mean sacrificing a lot of other things to afford a new car and for me to be on leave again. So I think for a lot of reasons we should just stick with what we have. But the thought of that other "baby that could be" floating around in the universe (or wherever) is still on my mind. My newest rainbow is just 9 months old so I've given myself the deadline of February next year to decide then I hope to be able to move forward whichever way the plans end up going.

I hope you ladies can find peace with your decisions. It's tough xx
August 20, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterShelby's Mum
I'm also here.
Wanting that third live child, despite that I'm not ready for the IVF rollercoaster yet I ace every time I see a babybum.
Hubby is done, he is pleased with those we got here.. I guess I have to come to terms with the three we've got, two on earth and little miss s where ever she is.
August 21, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterScandinavian endo-girl
Shelby's Mum and Scandinavian-Endo Girl it's good to hear from you. I hope your little ones are doing well.

I like the idea of a deadline. Maybe it will give me some feeling of control over the situation.
August 22, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterEmilyBW
LO is doing good, she will be 11 months tomorrow. Time flies. She's very active, loves here family, here hugs are amazing and can last for minuites, she can play by hereselfe and out of the blue she is laughing like crazy <3 We adore here, and can't get enough of here.
The thing beside sleepissues I'm struggeling with ATM is how on earth will I manage to leave here at daycare, or with other people than here dad an I for that matter.

Hope you are doing ok :)
August 22, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterScandinavian endo-girl
So glad to hear you are doing well Scandinavian-Endo Girl. It sounds like your LO is getting tons of love and is a lucky girl.

ATM, it seems everyone around me is pregnant. I know 4 women who are pregnant and my neighbor just had twins. It's like the universe is trying to tell me something. I feel so much happiness for them.

My lo just clapped his hands today for the first time, he was so proud of himself. It was a good day.
August 24, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterEmilyBW
5 months later and i stumble over this, still at the same place, I don't feel that I'm done, I still want that third live child. I still get envious of every bump and every newborn, when is it gonna pass?
My LO is 16 months, she's still the same, with here big personality and here amazing hugs.
February 12, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterScandinavian endo-girl
Yep, same. It has softened some, but the desire is still there in the background, every single day. I managed to convince the hubby not to go ahead with a vasectomy right now. I got a referral to my specialist too for a pre-conception consult but I've had it since October and haven't made an appointment yet. What does that mean I wonder? I feel like I'm avoiding it for some reason. This is so confusing!
February 15, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEjb
Hi Ladies!

I hope all is well with both of you. I thought I should update here that I'm now 13w with #3, my 6th pregnancy. It's still incredibly scary but as always just taking things a day at a time. Hoping for the best.

Much love to both of you!
February 15, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
Ahh congrats Emily! May I ask how you decided to go for it? I hope it goes well for you!
February 17, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEjb
Thanks EJB!

I think it was a combination of things but mainly that my husband supported trying again and I don't have much time left since I'm 40+. And to be honest I was pregnant in October unexpectedly and mc'd very early. It was kind of crazy since we weren't trying. I never thought we would experience an unexpected pregnancy since it took us 1 1/2 yrs to conceive our first son. Anyway, after that loss I realized how much I wanted another one and got pregnant again quickly. It hasn't been easy.
February 17, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
Emily.......... I'm softly squealing with delight for you. Hope it's all smooth sailing and boring appointments with routine everything etc etc. You're brave and I'm very happy for you xxxxx
February 19, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShelby's Mum
Oh Emily, it is never easy for any of us here at Glow and oh how I wish that wasn't true. Thanks for sharing your story on how this little one has come about. I do hope, as Shelby's mum said, that everything goes smoothly for you. You are brave, and strong, and you have come so far. One day at a time. One day at a time.
February 21, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEjb
Thank you Shelby's Mum and EJB! It's true, it's one day at a time and I am constantly reminding myself that Today I am pregnant!
February 21, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
Emily BW

So nice to hear from you, and Congratulations on the new bean. I to hope that the pregnancy will be a boaring uneventful one.
Love and light from me.
February 22, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterScandinavian endo-girl