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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

not ttc | infertility after loss > Reconciling the loss differently this time.

I've had three losses before this baby, all prior to having any living children. The thought with the last two was always: the healing process included trying again. Finally, I had my first born and I do feel his birth was an integral part of my healing. Now I find myself 38, with three children and I've now lost more children than I have birthed.
I feel the most at peace with the decision to move on and accept that Ashlyn was our last for lots of reasons: I don't trust my body to carry another baby, my husband and I are getting older, it wouldn't be her, we have three children already - our hands are full.
But then, there is this hole in my heart left, empty arms that will not ever be filled by another newborn and it leaves me will a numbness and silence in my heart. It feels like a deep sigh. Then I think about actually getting pregnant again and the fear brings me right back to my list of reasons.
How do we all reconcile our loss by moving on this way? I've always been pretty tenacious when it comes to family planning. It feels so sad, yet relieving, to know our family growing days are done. Does anyone else feel this way?
June 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMary
I just reread my post and realized it doesn't quite make sense without sharing that I lost a healthy little girl at 17 weeks last month.
June 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMary
Mary, I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I don't think it matters how many children we have, the ones that aren't here leave such a hole in our families.

I have 3 living children, we lost our second daughter (we have a living daughter- our first child) 4 years ago and have since had 2 rainbow baby boys. And much as I don't want to be pregnant again, and go through the physical and emotional turmoil, I so badly want to have my 4th living child. And in my head I don't know if that is just my heart aching to have Shelby here or if there is another rainbow waiting for us.

You aren't alone. xx
June 6, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterShelby's Mum
You aren't alone. I really feel many of the same emotions. I think at some point we give up and accept. Accept the "should have been" is not reality, accept the kids we have here are the only ones we will have (and enough, and they are!), accept life isn't fair and we are too old, or too broken, or too hope and dream and act on having another adventure with pregnancy. We move on to other adventures. We fill the void with another life stage. And it becomes okay, in time. These are the things I tell myself...
Some days are easier than others. I'm so sorry for your loss.
June 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterElaina
Thank you, thank you for posting. I too have three children. I had the oldest two, then a stillborn, then our youngest. But this August we had another- a little boy lost at 18 weeks. I am also 38. I don't have the option of naturally trying again as I lost my uterus with our son. But I needed to hear that it's ok to end with a loss, and that maybe, maybe our family is complete. Thank you. I'm so sorry for your loss.
August 28, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterChristina