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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

not ttc | infertility after loss > That's not going to happen here

I posted this to my blog in September 2012 and it still holds true and I just kind of wanted to share:

I've wanted to write this post for a while but how to go about it. I'm not eloquent, and I know it. My posts won't touch some body so much that they'll think about it for a long time. I'm just blogging this here and throwing it out there.

Last week my SIL announced her first pregnancy and it got me to thinking about blogging and pregnancy and pregnancy loss blogs. The majority of loss blogs have a certain 'timeline' they follow. Loss, TTC (or adoption), and new baby. It made me realize that my blog? It's not exactly like most other loss bloggers out there.

There's no 'more' that is going to happen. I'm not going to announce suddenly that I'm pregnant. There's no adoption story going on, our family is complete. This isn't what I want not by a long shot. I would give anything for another child but it isn't going to happen.

I don't think having a new child replaces your loss and anyone who knows me knows I wouldn't ever assume such a thing. However, there is a type of healing that I think parents get when they have another child after a loss. Maybe it's a renewal of hope or just a certain kind of light that comes back into their lives.

That's not going to happen here. So if you follow my blog and are wondering when or if.... let me tell you now. It's not going to happen. I'll still be sitting here singing these same old stories and wishing for more. It's not bad to wish and want as long as it doesn't drag you down into a pit and the majority of the time it doesn't.

As a whole I love my life and I love my children and I'm happy (save for suffering from severe anxiety) but still sometimes?? Yes. I stop and stare at babies in stores and I want it so badly. I look at all the baby clothes and I feel such an intense and powerful want.

Then I shake myself and go about my life. I mourn these children I'll never have as I mourn for Calypso and I wish I could make a wonderful announcement on my blog. I wish you all could take the journey with me to another child.

But wishes don't equal real life. So I want you all to know, I'm here for you no matter what. And I live vicariously through all of you who go on with new babies.

My girls often say they want a sister or a brother but.......

That's not going to happen here :(
May 28, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMissingmySweet
Thank you for sharing this. I relate so much to this post.
May 30, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJo-Anne
Thank you. I needed to hear an after loss script that doesnt end with, "and then we had our rainbow baby." Thank you.
August 28, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterChristina