I feel like I'm hijacking other people's posts with my frequent posting here, but I really need some advice and don't really have anywhere else I can ask this.

Have any of you had PPD following a loss? I know it's hard to tell the difference between grief and clinical depression but this past week I was having A LOT of thoughts about hurting myself and severe memory loss. I wrote about this on my blog, but the short version is that I now have a prescription for an antidepressant (Lexapro) and after taking some xanax yesterday I feel much calmer.

I wanted to hear stories of other women that have done this (antidepressants) when trying again. I desperately want to try again, the sooner the better, but I'm afraid of doing it while on ADs. Some of them cause birth defects - god knows we don't need any more risk of those. I'm afraid if I get pregnant and stop the meds I will still be dangerously depressed.

Have any of you had experience with this? I plan on discussing this with my doctor after I've had a cycle but I could use some perspective right now. Age and infertility are factors, so just waiting is not the best option.

I haven't used anti-depressents and almost 3 months out from losing Matilda am starting to have some better periods of time. I saw a doctor about 2 weeks after and she said it's hard to know when to diagnose depression because with grief you tick all the boxes for depression but that's to be expected.

I think there's some other women on here that have conceived while on anti-depressents that might be able to give you some advice.

Hang in there.

Maddie x

All the decent books I've ever seen say that your mental health is more important than any theoretical, unproven risk that antidepressants will harm your baby.

I'm glad you're feeling calmer now you're on the meds.

Yep, that's me right now.

I never seriously wanted to hurt myself, but I did want to die. Maybe it's more accurate to say there was a period of time following Gabriel's birth and death when I did not want to live. I did not want to live with that. I struggled for a long time trying to sort grieving from depression and figure out what was hormonal and what wasn't. I really needed, for my own sake, to try and avoid meds, but in the end, 6 weeks out, I had to admit to myself that I was suffering from PPD. I'd had situational depression (not requiring meds) in the past and this was different - terribly physical. Memory loss, difficulty concentrating or focusing, terrible trouble sleeping and loss of appetite followed by binging (another old pattern resurfacing).

The doc put on me on Pristiq (rather than Zoloft - fewer side effects) with an agreement to see a therapist as well. The idea is that it would be short term and I could ideally wean off prior to another pregnancy. Zoloft is approved for use during pregnancy, and Pristiq is not. However, Pristiq is not a teratogen, it's just been forbidden third trimester, so I could ttc while on it. The doc's preference is to be totally off for the first trimester, even though there is a safe option - and I can't say I disagree.

However, my experience a couple of weeks ago with the chemical pregnancy showed me I am nowhere near ready to deal with a pregnancy off meds. My prescription ran out the night before I got the definite positive tests and once I did, I didn't want to refill it. Because I knew I shouldn't be taking it (even though it was probably ok for a few days anyhow), and because I didn't want to spend $35 on a prescription I'd use for three days until I could see the doctor. It's possible that the sudden cessation of the drugs amplified everything (it's supposed to be a wean off, not a cold turkey stop), but I was a wreck for those three days - before I knew it was just a chemical pregnancy.

That told me pretty clearly that I, personally am not ready. Frankly - I prefer how I feel on the drugs. I am way calmer and better able to deal with the anxieties that ttc brings in our situation. Off the drugs, I couldn't stop myself from spinning out of control emotionally. Pregnancy is hard enough on me without that and there is no way to avoid that.

So, in the end, I intend to call my doc on Monday and explain the entire situation and ask for a new prescription for Zoloft, which is approved for all trimesters of pregnancy. It's not my ideal - and you may find for yourself that you are able to fully wean off before a pregnancy occurs (and I intend to continue working with the therapist with a goal of weaning off), but it has to be better overall for me and a future pregnancy to be as calm as is possible.

I heard over and over during Gabe's pregnancy - don't stress so much. It's out of your control, stop worrying. Enjoy it! You'll regret worrying so much. On and on. I had friends try to convince me to go to therapy. And now? Sooooo much worse since losing him. Off the meds, I have shaking and sweating when I think about another pregnancy. On the meds, I am able to approach it more rationally and not let the emotion and fear overwhelm me.

I don't know if that helps at all, but I hope so. If I can answer any other questions, please ask.

I take Wellbutrin because it's thought to be safe until the 3rd trimester. The doctor said that it was better for me to take the drugs than try and muddle through the pain of losing my boys and consistently miscarrying while trying to "rally' to have "conception sex." That's asking a lot of anyone emotionally. Loss of memory is attributed to grief, depression and PPD and as annoying as it is, it will pass...The bank teller asked me to confirm my address the other day and I looked at her with a blank look on my face. I could not remember my address.

As far as the "thoughts of hurting yourself"....do you feel like you are going to die or do you feel like you want to die? There is a difference and I'm not a trained professional, just a woman whose twin boys died. I was told that the first one is a "normal and healthy" reaction to the death of a child (as in "this hurts so bad, I think I'm going to die"), the other is something to be more concerned about and anti-depressants may not help without additional treatment. I will admit, there are times when I have closed my eyes and thought, "I don't want to wake up, I just want to go and be done with this life..." But I have not planned how I would die. If you are the former, fine, my therapist said that's a normal reaction to grief and loss. If you are the latter and you have thought about how you would hurt yourself, you need to see someone ASAP. Drugs take a while to kick in and they don't outright stop the pain and emotions. They will help some but I'm concerned for you, like me, they aren't going to be enough.

And please don't think I'm lecturing you. I just know that it's hard to ask people for help and it's hard to tell people that you are hurting because well, you are supposed to be hurting because your child died. But you know if this is beyond "normal" hurting. Taking that step to contact someone is hard, I had a pyschiatrists' number on my desk for weeks before I said, "this just isn't grief and situational depression...I'm further gone than I want to be."

Email me if you need to talk more but in short, I think you take the drugs and call a psychiatrist for an evaluation. There is no shame in asking for help and no one has to know if you don't want them too.

Oh, meant to add - be clear with your doctor about the effects of whatever drug during each trimester/stage of development. There ARE drugs which have been deemed safe after study; I don't know about Lexapro in the first trimester, but I DO know that my friend K had severe PPD after her first child and that she and her doctor worked out a plan to start her back on Lexapro when she hits 32 weeks with her current pregnancy so that she has a full 4 weeks (most AD's take 4 weeks for full effect - although I noted an improvement within a week, so don't despair) behind her before her son will be born (her first son was early, which is why they are planning for 32 weeks rather than 34). So I've heard of Lexapro being used in pregnancy, but it's well worth discussing your unique situation with your doctor and asking about all the available medications and why they are recommending one over the other.

My doc gave me a choice but sort of steered me to Pristiq. Looking back, I wish I'd gone with Zoloft, but then, I assumed I'd be able to wean off first. Perhaps I'm using it as a safety net, but . . . well, I need one, or as much of one as I can get.

Thank you everyone, this is really helpful. I'm especially glad to hear that the memory loss is normal, that freaks me out the most. I did go to a therapist - I don't much trust psychiatrists after my childhood but would be willing to go to one if my OB thinks I should.

Martha - I didn't think you were lecturing. I actually was getting pretty concerned with how I was feeling, mostly because I have a 3 year old. I was getting more violent in my actions (like grabbing her roughly or slamming things) and she was getting upset and scared. Also, I started daydreaming about cutting my stomach (I CANNOT look at myself naked in a mirror right now) or pulling out/shaving off my hair. I wasn't actually planning to do it but I was starting to think it would make me feel better. Looking back at earlier this week I think I was going a little crazy.

I can tell you right now - the only thing that kept me alive after this was my daughter and what I went through as a child. My mother was suicidal and I walked in on her right after she OD'd in one of her 5 attempts. I have always sworn I would never do that to someone I cared about, no matter how bad I hurt. But apparently, that promise didn't extend to thinking about hurting myself, although I know that, too, would be damaging to my family.

Anyway - I feel better today and I will keep in touch with as many people as it takes to get me through this. I want to be there for my daughter, emotionally and physically.

Oh, sweetheart. I'm so saddened to hear just how bad it's gotten and so very relieved to see you seeing it and trying to help yourself. That is so hard.

My mom tried to kill herself when I was 20 - bad mix of meds making her suicidal rather than helping her depression - and I walked in on her after an attempt and I will never forget the powerlessness I felt in that situation. Thank you for taking care of yourself for your daughter.

I'm glad you are doing better today. Sometimes that is the best you can hope for, that today is better. And eventually you end up with more better days than worse days. Not that it's suddenly all better, just that you are better able to deal with it, I guess. That was one area where the meds really helped me. I simply couldn't cope anymore and even just being able to get a full night of sleep made such a difference in my ability to focus and to deal with how I was feeling.

I wish more better days for you. Continue taking care of yourself, ok?