Hi there.

I've been pointed here by a few wonderfully supportive posters on my blog. My loss is as fresh as snow to me. Two weeks ago, at a routine checkup for my twins at almost 25 weeks, we learned that our boy, Will, had no heartbeat. So far, our baby girl, Abby, is holding strong, though I'm told we are risk of either having her early or a rare complication with clotting due to Will be still inside me.

I've been getting wonderful support on my blog (http://infertilityrocks.wordpress.com), and I truly appreciate the kind words left for me, but I'm struggling to find a forum for a conversation on my loss. It seems that the hospital system is ill-equipped to help us in our grief, since Will will not be delivered until his sister comes (hopefully in April). We cannot hold him or feel his little fingers, nor even have a burial until he comes. I'm terrified of losing both Will and Abby, and can hardly stand when she sleeps because I'm so afraid she will not wake up. I have rented a doppler to help ease my fear.

Has anyone else had this experience? When you delivered, did you have pictures taken of your precious still child (I know he will not be the same as his body is changing with each passing week)? Did you wait, also, to have a service?

Thanks for listening. I feel that writing in my blog and prayer are sometimes the only thing getting me through right now. It's a hard, hard place to be, carrying my still little child inside me and worrying if my other child will be born alive or still as well.

Oh, sweet mama.

I am so sorry for your loss and for what you are even now enduring. What a difficult and terrible situation to face. I have not been in your shoes exactly, so I can't offer good advice other than to listen to your heart, because I don't think you can go wrong or make a bad choice if you do.

I will be thinking of you and your family, hoping for you daughter and thinking of your son, and wishing you all peace and serenity to make the tough decisions ahead of you.

Eve, your post breaks my heart. I imagine this feels like some sort of hellish limbo that you're in. I am so sorry you lost your Will, and I hope you deliver a very healthy Abby.

My situation was different. My daughter was born alive (severe brain damage left her in a coma) and died a week later. After we got her diagnosis/prognosis, a friend of mine told us about Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org), a non-profit comprised of volunteer photographers who will meet you and photograph your family. We will always cherish those family pictures.

We did not have a service for Addison, but had her cremated and keep her cremains in a beautiful, simple urn based on the sculpture "Our Baby" by Jay Rotberg.

My hope for you is much strength during this incredibly difficult time. I will be thinking of you and your family.

I am more sorry than I can say Eve that you have lost Will. That must be so, so horrendous for you to cope with. I'm not surprised you're terrified. I can't imagine how terrified you must be. I hope Abby remains safe and well.

I hesitate to say this, but I read somewhere that if birth is delayed for more than three days after finding out a baby has died in the womb, your chances of post-natal depression skyrocket. Having to wait so very long... I hope that the people taking care of you take this into consideration and give you platinum-plated care, both physically and mentally.

You mention a burial and ask about a service. I would totally want to have a service now, in advance of the funeral. If it was just going to be a difference of a week or two, maybe not, but with such a long time to wait, I would need a service now as well as the burial.

I am so so sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss.
I belong to the eLIMBO e-mail list and there are a number of women who have lost a twin in utero on the list and they may be a resource for you. You can find sign up info here http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/eLIMBO/

Eve,

Your story stays with me. It is so simultaneously full of hope and sorrow. What strikes me is the extent of the courage you portray in sharing your story. Your perseverance is evident. Your thoughts are conscientious, considering both Abby and Will.

I care about you and your children. My hope is that the strength you are feeling today will sustain you.

The Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep professional pictures I have of my daughter are precious to me so it is worth pursuing. I hope you find further support from others that you so very much need.

I hope for you and wish for you to feel peace.
Thinking of you and WIll and Abby.

Thanks so much for everyone's kind words, and for the links to resources. I think we will have NILMDTS come out, even if no pictures are taken of his body (I guess we'll just have to see how he is), but even of us holding him completely wrapped in his blanket would be so special to us.

I got a good report on Abby yesterday, though my confidence is forever shaken in seemingly 'good reports' as Will had always gotten them as well. Hoping that this time of waiting gets somewhat easier as my confidence perhaps builds that Abby will be ok.

Eve

Eve, I am so sorry. :( What a terrible situation to be in. Even if Will can't have photos taken of him because he has been dead for so long, Nilmidts can take some lovely belly photos of you so that you at least have pictures of him with you and your daughter and hubby together. They are very clever photographers, they will find a way to give you what you need. Also, can you have one of those fancy detailed ultrasounds? You might be able to get enough of a look at his face that an artist can create a portrait for you.

Again, I am so sorry. I am thinking of you.

Sophie

Oh Eve, I'm so sorry, but I'm glad that you've found us. I also had twins (Liam and Ben) although the story of how we lost Liam is different than what you're facing... it's so hard. Your faith is bound to be pretty shattered and I can't imagine how it must feel to be holding on for Abby while mourning Will. Well, I can imagine...

Alexa of Flotsam doesn't tend to write explicitly of what she went through with her twins all that often, but I believe she found herself in a situation much like yours. Her daughter Simone was born prematurely, and her son Ames had been gone for some time at that point. Simone is doing wonderfully now, and Alexa is in the midst of writing a book about her NICU experience. She's lovely, and it might ease you a little to see such a bright future for a twin like Abby. http://flotsamblog.com/

I'm sure your confidence will build a little with each day - because each day and week, at your stage, is so profoundly beneficial. Just be kind to yourself, and know that every feeling you're experiencing is normal and shared by so many. You're held here by people who know how it feels to have those blinders so abruptly removed, to feel vulnerable and so full of longing.

All my light to you and your partner, and to Abby, and to Will. All you can do is all you could ever do... take it easy, drink water, eat when you're hungry, and just ... be love.
xo

Kate,

Thanks so much for your reference to Alexa. Oddly enough, a day or two after we lost Will, she heard about it and posted a connected to my blog from hers with the most heartfelt message. I have been getting hundreds of supporters from her blog since then to give me words of comfort, and it truly helps me get through.

Sophie, thanks so much for the idea for NILMDTS to do belly shots. I was planning to surprise my dh with some 'twin belly' shots and cancelled once we lost Will. But I DO think I will cherish those pictures knowing Will is still perfect inside me in them. Just to know that we could have a beautiful picture of 'him' like that gives me such peace.

Eve

I'm so glad to hear there is another good report for Abby. I continue to think of you every day.

One of the things you initially asked about was about a memorial service. We did not hold one, but we live in a different town from our families and it seemed frivolous and unnecessary and I certainly couldn't have managed to plan one (I barely made it through the meeting with the crematory society).

However, I saw on your blog that your husband has a tree that he intended to plant and would like to plant in Will's honor. I think one of the difficult things must be the celebration of one while acknowledging the grief and sorrow with the other. Perhaps you could begin planning for a service or ceremony around planting that tree, sometime after Abby is born?

I think the idea of pictures, even if he is completely wrapped is a wonderful one. I really, really treasure my pictures of my son and wish we'd had time to call a NILMDTS photographer to get some more photos of him.

Eliza,

Thanks for your kind words and thoughts. The grief counselor I talked with at the hospital where I deliver suggested even doing something like combining a dedication for Abby with a memorial for Will. I suppose we have time to keep thinking that through.

I contacted NILMDTS yesterday to inquire about belly shots. The kind photographer who got back to me stated that NILMDTS does off 'maternity' photos but instead offered me a free seesion out of her own kindness. She said she'll give me her card and we can call her if we want pictures at his birth as well.

What a blessing.

That should read NILMDTS does NOT offer maternity photos.

I'm glad you've found a good photographer who is so kind.

I wanted to clarify a statement from my post, just for anyone reading - I don't think memorial services themselves are frivolous or unnecessary! Just in our case, given our circumstances. It didn't make sense to have everyone travel out for a service when there was no place for them to stay and they'd never seen Gabriel (we hadn't really had time to send out u/s photos from the 'big' u/s just a few days before he was born) and it was too overwhelming. While everyone asked, the general consensus seemed to be relief, and that certainly is how we felt about having that decision made.

Having not been in your shoes, I don't have good advice about waiting for a memorial service, but I'm so, so sorry you have to make these decisions.

I do like your counselor's suggestion, if that is something that sounds right to you. Our minister did my Micah's naming as a part of the burial service and even though it was really hard, I find it really comforting that both my children (I have an older, living son) were named in the same way, with the same words, by the same person. It helped to validate my experience of him as a real person, I think.

Also remember that a service doesn't have to be public unless you want it to be. It can be for whoever you feel comfortable including. We had a burial service with just the minister, my husband and I. I wasn't up to hosting crowds and having people back to the house and all that entailed, but I found having a formal burial helped us a lot. It was awful and it was hard, but it also felt right for the circumstance, if that makes sense? Sometimes, I think all you can do is go with your gut of what feels the most right (or the most right that it can) for you and for your memories of your child.

I'm thinking about you.

www.glowinthewoods.com, how do you do it?


http://blendersmoviethon.blogspot.com/2010/03/forthwith-clenched-moviethon-video.html