Just wondering if anyone has tried counseling to help in dealing with a loss? I have become a ticking time bomb since I lost my second child at 12 weeks. I go through anger, sadness, more anger, and desperation to have another baby, only to get neg. after neg. preg tests. I know, I wasn't that far along, and I have one healthy child, but I just can't seem to get "over it". And I want to. I want to not feel this way.

Did you find it useful? I think people think I am not normal still feeling this way. But really, what is normal?

I want to be happy for people who get pregnant. I want to not feel like slapping the pregnant women rubbing her swollen belly. I want to cry at when looking at a newborn because they are so cute, instead of thinking about that I should have had a baby like that right now.

Is this all silly?

Yes, I started seeing a therapist in November, about 3 months after losing my son. Yes, it has helped.

I chose not to see anyone after my miscarriages before Gabe, because I wasn't in a headspace for it. It didn't fit for me then. I think the right counselor can do a good deal to help people in a variety of situations, but I wasn't receptive at that point in time.

It took some time after Gabriel before I was ready to try it. I knew pretty early on I was likely to try it, but it took several weeks before I could consider it without panicking. And really, it was my doctor that thrust me in that direction, by making an agreement with me to provide a prescription for anti-depressants so long as I agreed to find a therapist to work with in hopes of ultimately going off the anti-depressants.

I found (by sheer luck) a woman who specializes in high-risk pregnancies and pregnancy losses. She really has been terrific at helping me sort through my feelings, helping me find a voice for them and giving me a necessary space to feel them without judgement. Even bigger for me personally, she is helping to teach me ways to cope with anxiety and fears as we head into trying again (and again, apparently).

Counseling isn't for everyone, but if you are asking, you are probably receptive to it. The key is to find a good counselor that you connect with. If you have misgivings or an initial gut feeling that turns you off them, even if they come highly rated, you will not be able to open up to the necessary degree.

And 12 weeks is different than another loss, but it is a loss all the same. You should not feel guilty or be made to feel guilty about mourning the loss of your child; at any point, it is the loss of innocence and hope, of the way you envision you family to be.

'Is this all silly?'
GOD, no. You lost a baby, at the cusp of when it's supposed to all be 'ok'. Why would it be silly to be devastated by this loss? And anyone who feels that your reaction isn't normal can keep their opinion to themselves. If they haven't been there (and by 'there' I mean 'in your shoes', not whether they have suffered the loss of a pregnancy or a baby), they don't get to have an opinion.

Anyway, yes, I've started to see a counsellor. This counsellor is also a nurse who deals with pregnancy loss, and in counselling she specialises in pregnancy loss too. That she has the medical background is good in some ways, but actually bad in others. YMMV as always.

My doctor said, soon after my loss, that I might need counselling at some point in the future, but that it was too soon to know at that point whether it would be helpful or not. I found it really helpful that she said that. When it was the right time for me, I suddenly knew that it was. I can't describe it any better than that. I just knew, and luckily I could get an appointment quite quickly.

i have this hierarchy in my head. some people's pregnancies and babies i am happy for (those who have suffered loss; those who would not be able to get pregnant without IVF; those who have taken time out from their own families to offer me love and support). some i am not (... the tactless ones. the ones who don't want to understand how devastated i am). i don't think it's particularly healthy for me to be like this. but that's the way i am, right now. and tbh, those who can't be bothered to understand how broken i am right now? i don't care about them as friends any more, so i don't care about getting myself into the right headspace to be able to see them pregnant, or see their babies.

harsh, maybe. but i lost my baby, and had to deal with the fact it had been dead for four weeks before i found out. and the fates or the powers that be or whoever didn't take that into consideration, so......

I started seeing a therapist a couple of weeks ago. It's strange because the first session was just me talking and talking about everything, but the second session was a little bit of me talking, and then the rest of the time she was teaching me about healthy coping skills. I thought, "where have you been my whole life?" So far, even in 2 sessions, it has been helpful--not that the pain has gone away--but that I feel there is a light at the end of the tunnel that I can one day get to. I feel like I'm learning skills that will help me in all facets of my life.

I, too, have a healthy child, but that doesn't make the loss less painful. I suffered a 10-week missed miscarriage (had a D&C) in 9/08. That one bothered me, but didn't devastate me completely. But after the loss of my daughter Addison in 11/09, I'm now going back to mourn the loss of that 10-week baby as well. I'm now feeling anger and sadness over basically losing 2 babies back-to-back. My grief over the first baby was just delayed.

But screw everyone who won't even try to understand your pain. I feel like I've already worn out my welcome with many people in my life. They don't want to know how I'm really doing because they're done hearing me talk about her 11 weeks after the fact. Hang in there.

I am a fan of counseling - though i think the experience depends a lot on the match between you and your counselor. Like Eliza, i found someone who specializes in preganancy loss. It helped me so much - helped me not to feel crazy, to feel less alone, to have a sense of the path i was traveling, what was normal to experience, how to cope, how long it takes, etc. My counselor lost a baby at full term a number of years ago, so i really trust her to be totally compassionate with me.

I also have symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder and she's been great about helping me to keep an eye on that and do coping, figure out if it's getting better or worse, and what to do.

Some people don't have the energy to find a counselor early in their process, and some people can't stand interviewing counselors to find the right one. Hopefully you will get lucky and it won't take much work to find the right person. I would definitely see if you can find someone who has experience with pregnancy loss.

I am in awe of those people who manage to come through pregnancy loss when they have other children. How can you deal with such dark emotions while caring for another child?

No, I don't think that having a living child would make any of this any easier. It's hard for everyone. Just in different ways.

Rebecca, I hope you do have people in your life who are supportive. 11 weeks- I can't believe people would expect you to be over it so fast. That's awful.

I decided to try counselling when I felt stuck. The same angry thoughts were going around and around and I couldn't seem to digest them, or move into another set of things to think about. When you wrote "but I just can't seem to get over it," I wondered if you felt that way too.

In short, talking to someone has really helped me. And I think that all of our choices to try to heal, in grief are individual. Some people write, or exercise, or support a worthy cause. You could try it and choose something else if it's not that helpful.
I hope for you.

"...giving me a necessary space to feel them without judgement."

Eliza - I relate so much to this statement. It is so important for me to have a designated space to talk about Olivia without worrying that I'm wearing someone thin in my personal life. I know my husband doesn't want to be the only person I talk to but sometimes that's how it works out. I don't really feel comfortable letting people into that part of my head, so I need that outlet and I look forward to it.

I knew right away I'd need help getting through this and couldn't wait to see a therapist. My first appt was scheduled the Monday I came home from the hospital and I've seen her at least once a week since then; twice a week in the beginning. After 2 months, I'm ready to go every other week and eventually plan to see her only once a month or as needed. I can honestly say I would not have gotten this far without talking to her. It's very important to find someone you trust and respect or you won't listen to their advice.

The most helpful thing my therapist told me was that healing is not the same as forgetting. I was very worried at first about laughing or feeling too good, for fear that meant I was leaving her behind. As many here have said, your baby will come with you. I can remember her now with bittersweet feelings instead of just bitter. I don't see how it could ever be just sweet and I'm okay with that.

Counseling has helped me develop the idea that I'm honoring her memory best by improving my life as a result of her short life. I feel like if I let my life, my relationships, deteriorate as a result of losing her, then it would almost seem like she was to blame. On the flip side, if I can strengthen my relationships because of her, she's someone to be thankful for and always remember positively. I want to honor my time with her in that way. It's the only thing I can do for her as a mother. That's what I tell myself, anyway, and it works for me.