It's not that long since we lost Matilda (2 1/2 months) and everything I read on grief tells me there's no timelines and everyone moves through grief in their own time.

Well yesterday afternoon we had both sets of neighbours (we're close friends with both of them) over for a couple of drinks and to catch up (one lot are back after a month away). It's the first time I've really been in a social situation since it happened. It was OK for the first couple of hours - I'd get these waves of pain but they'd come and go and I actually had a few laughs and a bit of fun which was nice. But then I could feel it building up and I just went into my room in broke down - in a sobbing unable to breathe sort of way. It was awful and it puts me off doing something like that, if that's going to be the ending. I'd had two or three glasses of wine which I'm sure didn't help and I won't do again.

How long was it before you enjoyed being around friends in a group social setting way?

I see some of my friends I'm comfortable with (a lot I just don't) one on one but I seem to cope with that better - I think the one on one situation means I have to stay involved in the conversation and can't just start thinking about things while other people talk.

Maddie x

For me, it's all about controlling my emotions, though controlling doesn't seem like the right word. Not snubbing them out but keeping them quiet until I'm ready to feel them. I give myself some freedom after everyone's gone to sleep most times and just sit and cry by myself. I remember how the idea of crying alone used to depress me; now it seems like a rite in a way. And a release. Like something I must do in order to function for another couple of days. At first, I was terrified to be alone because I hadn't yet learned how to contain my grief and I didn't want to feel the pain without someone to be there.

I have a daughter, though, and she has a lot to do with my coping. I feel like I have a responsibility to her not to break down, and I feel like I owe it to my husband to help keep us all from falling apart. We're both so keenly aware of how this type of tragedy can destroy a relationship and possibly a family. I have to admit, though, a lot of my grief came out in frustration and a complete lack of patience. I thought at first I'd be the most compassionate and grateful mother after this but I'm sorry to say that's not exactly what happened. I'm working very hard now to control my anger at the littlest things and actually feel like we had to reconnect a bit after some difficult weeks together.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that making a time and a place to be sad was helpful for me. I would sort of turn off the emotion when the occasion called for it and then turn it back on when I was safe and alone. How healthy is that? I'm not sure but it feels okay to me.

But don't rush yourself. It sounds like you were ready to hang out a bit but perhaps you pushed your limit. Maybe next time have a set time so you don't have to worry about overdoing it but I promise it does get easier. Don't worry so much about timelines, just pay attention to how you feel and follow your own instincts.

That's interesting, Maddie - I think I prefer groups to one-on-ones. There's less pressure to share and listen when others are around. I'm six months out and I'm getting less social. It's not that I feel like crying very often, I just can't be bothered with it all. But then I was always a bit that way inclined, since I'm an introvert by nature and have always ended up in extrovert jobs, which wear me out. I have noticed, though, that a very painful outing can be followed by one that's totally fine. Maybe being at home made it worse for you? Knowing that you had a room to go to.. and perhaps thinking, Matilda should be asleep in a basket beside me..

I'm just guessing; I've been out more than I've seen people at home. When things were very fresh I found comfort in the going-out 'mask' - I'd wear more makeup than usual, pay lots of attention to clothes.

Friends are hard full stop - strangers are less likely to find my soft underbelly.

I also like to sit up after others have gone to sleep and do my debriefing for the day - usually here, as I am doing now. I do it most days, but I do think I need it particularly when I've been out somewhere, laughing.

Hang in there, Maddie.

x back to you :)

At 31/2 months I went to a bar with 2 other couples and laughed. I felt like I could breath, doing something normal and fun. I only drank a couple of pints in case the beer made me sadder. (Other times since than the beer has made me very very happy.) I think there are a tonne of variables, like how well you know the people, if you have talked to them about your loss before, if you are tired, or the length of time between the last time you cried a lot, alcohol.
It has now been 6 months and I know longer feel anxious about social engagements. I used to be nervous that as the time approached, I would be having a bad day and have to cancel. I certainly don't go out as much as before, but when I do, for the most part, I have fun. (Once per month only).
If one on one works for you, stick with that for now. I agree with Moops, one social outing that goes south has no bearing on the next. Don't give up. You will have fun again.

Maddie,

You said it best with the "no time lines" bit. If it feel right to you, it's good. If not, excuse yourself and try again later. There's no right or wrong, just what you know to be "good timing" for you.

And remember that one day you will laugh again -- truly, unabashedly, pee-your-pants laugh. But for now, be gentle with yourself.

Caholmes - I tend to keep my emotions quiet until I'm alone as well. I don't have any other children so there's not a lot forcing me to hold it together except for DH. I'm also very aware that something like this can break up a marriage and try to apologise when my grief comes out as irritation with DH. I thought something like this would stop me snapping about things that really don't matter but like you, that hasn't been the case. And yes, I think maybe I did overdo it. Up until now, when I've had friends around, I've let them know I'll have to keep the visit short before they come. I think I'll go back to that system.

Moops - I'm extremely extroverted by nature (and in the opposite to you have an introverted job). Having said that, since Matilda died, I'm quite happy to spend most of my time at home by myself.

I hadn't thought of it being at home that was the problem but now you've mentioned it, I think that might have been a big part of it. I kept thinking that I should have a baby at the table with me or sleeping in our bedroom. I've seen these same people in their houses and it's been OK.

Also, one of them made a comment that really upset me. He was holding on to S (the other neighbours daughter who is three) and said to his wife, 'we should have a girl'. I know he was joking (they've got two kids and aren't having more) but it really hurt me. He's since apologised but it's just scary being around people because you never know when something like that is going to happen.

I'm also finding it easier around strangers. I feel like friends are watching me and then go home and talk about how I'm 'coping' which makes me uncomfortable. There's also some that have been quite pushy about wanting to see me which makes me not want to see them at all because I don't think they understand how big this loss is and how long it's going to very difficult for me. And around strangers it's a new situation so I'm not thinking about 'what should've been'.

I'm not back at work so spend a lot of time during the day, writing about, and thinking about things.

Maddie x

Julie - Thank you for telling me that one day I'll really laugh again. I laugh now but it's often followed by a 'how can I be laughing, my baby died' sort of thought.

Even though I know rationally that I won't feel like this, a part of me is scared I will. And another part of me is cared that I won't and that means I will have forgotten Matilda. Even though, rationally I know that I won't.

Maddie x

I don't have much to add. We don't go out much. I haven't been around people likely to make things bad, and that's not even unusual.

I do know I completely understand the idea of wanting to laugh and fearing it, and what it might mean.

I was told when I was in that space that it would be ok someday, that I would live and remember. And I do. I can't say it's all the same - the intensity has faded, but I would not have wanted that intensity forever. The love is still the same. In some ways, as life has moved on and carried me with it, the times I spend with Gabe are happier, for the most part.

I think the biggest relief for me was being forced to move on and finding that Gabriel wasn't left behind. He came with me, too.

i've been out and about since pretty early on. meeting up with people.

but only the people i'd be ok crying in front of. and talking about what happened to.

but i'm happier going out to meet people. i don't really like people coming round... or going to their houses actually, although i hadn't realised that until just now. home is my refuge. home is where D and I are. i don't like other people being there.

and when i meet up with people in town, i sit in starbucks before or after, with my journal or my netbook, and i have some time alone. time when i don't feel i should be doing something else. that really, really helps me. i think the space just helps me cope with other people.

(oh - and last night, i met a couple of friends and we went out for tea. the place we met? was the place where i told my group of friends i was pregnant. the first time i'd been back since. i didn't realise until i was walking there. and - fate has a nasty sense of humour - we ended up at the same table. i wish i'd realised earlier and asked to meet somewhere different.....)

I just realized that I'm quite lucky in many ways. I was bleeding so much during the second half of my pregnancy that I was either too afraid to go anywhere or supposed to be resting with my feet up. So I really don't have many places that I went while pregnant, because we didn't go anywhere for fear another clot would happen when I least expected it. It only took it happening once and the resultant blood soaking everything and being everywhere to keep me home for good.

It has to be a lot more difficult to have places like that sneak up on you.