It's a dumb movie anyway, much as I like Sarah Jessica Parker - so you won't be missing much if you take my advice and stay home. The plot devices are so clunky they practically take the skin off your ankles as they roll by.

But the final scene in 'Have You Heard About the Morgans?', about one thousand feet high and preposterous, pushed me firmly into attention-seeking-drama-queen territory: I actually ran sobbing from a movie theatre for the first time in my 35 years, forcing my poor friends to follow me into the toilets and console me.

I'm not sure why I couldn't choke it back for just thirty seconds more - then we would have been out of the cinema anyway and talking about something else. I must like the attention. I'm sure it's no coincidence that the two women with me also met my dead son.

Oh, there was one other thing that happened today that may have lowered my resistance - the stupid newspaper sent me a flyer advertising their 'Babies of 2009' glossy publication. I've been invited to submit a photo of my child. At first I could not believe how utterly dopey they were, given they must have taken my details from the birth announcement I lodged in July.. the one that said 'stillborn'. In my fit of pique I was all set to dash off a withering letter to the editor when I realised that there's nothing stopping me submitting a photo of Max if I want to.. so perhaps I should shut the f*ck up and be grateful that this is 2010 and I have the freedom to acknowledge my son any way I choose.

What do you think? And what other movies should I avoid?

Moops,

Strangely, I too, had a very public ugly face cry- exit from a public place this weekend. I was alone and the onset was abrupt and powerful, I even left my purse. Awesome. And when I told my husband the whole story, in full sob mode, he calmly mentioned "At least your purse never got stolen." For some reason I found his reaction hilarious.

So I would caution you against the movie Knocked Up. I watched it during a string of miscarriages to somehow torture myself. There were parts that were funny though, and, anyway, you've probably already seen it.

At least the theatre was dark, yes? It is such a moment of suffering, when this happens, as if all progress made has evaporated. Defeating, discouraging, not to mention brutally painful. And I can't help but wonder, will I always be a wild card, trodding through fields with hidden land mines? Please tell me the chances of being publicly slayed diminish with time. It is almost the 6 month mark for me too.

I trust your friends were intuitive and helpful. Nothing is worse than a stranger demanding "What's wrong? What happened? Do you need a kleenex?" WTF?
Great friends make this all bearable. I just want to say that I don't think you were attention seeking, but you know that.

If the paper sent me an invitation to submit a photo for births of 2009 I would feel furious that it was a ploy to make money. Then I would calm down and decide that the staff are insenstive and deserve bad fortune. So I think it is brave of you to consider that you can honour Max in any way that you wish.

Take care Moops-I hope your ankles heal, at least faster than your broken heart.

Given SJP's struggle with secondary infertility, I was a little surprised at the ending as well. I did think that the scenes of them arguing about their fertility issues effecting their marriage were very realistic but the whole, "we relaxed and did it and now we are pregnant" and "adoption is easy!" myths perpetuated by the end result did piss me off. I'm sorry it upset you....I made the mistake of seeing "Marley and Me" about a week after a really bad miscarriage - luckily the theatre caught fire and I was spared the "Old Yeller" ending. And don't see "Up" either - I don't know why as I have not seen it but a friend immediately sent me an email after seeing it and said it was not the movie for me.

Can I play devil's advocate for a moment? Yes, I think the newspaper was probably looking for a way to make money but what if you were included on that list because someone at the newspaper did see the "stillborn" announcement and hoped this was a way for you to find some peace in 2010 while honoring Max? Sort of like the whole, "I want you to send me an invite to a baby shower because I want to be included and I want to make my own decisions about whether I am able to handle something like that right now even though I know I'm probably not ready to go to a baby shower..." situation...does that make sense?

I'm trying this whole, "looking at the glass half full" thing for 2010 - it's really fucking annoying but I promised Hubby I would be more positive about everything in life - including stupid things people do to us lostbabymamas...

Inanna Journey started a list of movies, etc. for dead baby mamas to avoid. You can check it out here: http://inannajourney.blogspot.com/2009/05/warning-labels.html. Also I think there is a site around called The Dead Baby Club that keeps a list as well.

So glad your friends were able to be there for you. That is so lovely and important. I don't cry in front of my friends about this at all. I'm not sure if this says more about them or about me... I don't think you were seeking attention. I'm around the 10 month mark I find that I spend a lot of time choking back my grief in public. But my body and mind can only take that for so long and then I have to let it out. It's okay - totally normal - the pressure of the sadness builds up and gets triggered. Nothing to feel badly about.

So sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry you've been having such a tough time, Moops. I hope your friends were understanding.

Martha, that occurred to me about SJP as well - I thought it was an odd ending for her to agree to act.

Jenni, thank you so much for that link. Duly bookmarked.

I've not watched it since my miscarriage, but I've heard that Finding Nemo made a man whose wife had lost a baby have a complete meltdown in the cinema. Apparently he's someone who never cries, and he then couldn't stop.. I got the film for Christmas as well :(

i don't even watch Veronica Mars, but there's an episode in which a pregnant girl is somehow given RU-486 (... apparently it's not very well researched but that's beside the point right now). It's from a couple of years back, and really kinda pissed me off when I didn't get up to turn the TV over quickly enough and was suddenly confronted with that storyline. Just what I needed! Probably Best Avoided.

And there's that episode of SATC where Charlotte has a miscarriage...

God, I probably shouldn't switch my TV or DVD player on at all :(

I think though, to some extent, it's one of those things that is just perspective. I haven't seen the SJP movie, and probably won't because I thought it looked silly, but I've heard over and over that UP was a brilliantly handled allusion to infertility or pregnancy loss that really touched people, from both infertiles and dead baby mamas (have not seen it myself, as I don't tend towards animated movies).

That's the problem. There are some obvious ones, but it's the way that the less obvious will affect you that is so unpredictable. I had no idea I'd lose it re-watching Richard III - the killing of the little princes never bothered me before . . . but this time, ouch. Whereas, Star Trek . . . I sobbed like a baby in the theatre (I was pregnant at the time) when Kirk, Sr dies just after his son is born, but was completely unaffected on rewatching.

Thank you, mamas.. that's useful to me. I haven't seen either Finding Nemo or Up and never would have considered they might be mined (to borrow your idea, Diana). And when I got to Veronica Mars and Richard III it dawned on me (as on B) that I'll never be safe. But you're right, Eliza, it's about the headspace as well as the content.

When I learned that Max had died I remember thinking that it was all a bit Wuthering Heights.. tragic but romantic.. and that hideous reaction frequently makes me question my motives. I honestly do think I'm capable of stage-managing my grief to ensure maximum interest from sympathetic types. When I ain't gonna get nothin', I'm remarkably stoic. I suppose that could be survival instinct, but it feels a bit evil. So, Jenni, I'd be interested if you could tease out your reasons for not crying in front of your friends. And Diana, when I read that you left your purse behind I thought to myself, see, her melt-down was pure and lovely (not lovely, that's not the word). All I left behind was a half-eaten packet of chocolate toffees, and I really wanted to go back for them! Evil.

Martha, did I read that right? The theatre caught fire?! And yes, you absolutely should play devil's advocate. I wondered that, too. But then I thought, nah, they simply generated a mailing list from the 'births' classification, and no-one had the time to go picking through looking for stillbirths or infant deaths, then adding a thoughtful, handwritten note. I'd been thinking the idea was to submit a photo for free, then buy the glossy book.. but I re-read the flyer and realised I had it back to front. You pay (a lot) to submit the photo, then it's printed in the paper for all subscribers to see. So it is, absolutely, the worst deal for mothers: you think you're buying fame (rather than a coffee-table book) but in reality most readers won't give a crap. And the paper does very nicely out of it. So that made me think, maybe I should call their bluff and make them publish my dead son, along with a suitably compelling 'personal message'. It might go a little way to lessen the taboos around baby loss. I'm thinking, rather grandly, about those mothers in years past discouraged by hospitals from cuddling their dead babies, and how far we've come. But that's somewhat ambitious and could well backfire.. ie, is it useful, or is it extremism?

It *is* really fucking annoying being so sensible and optimistic about things - agreed!

I reckon we always will be wildcards - but hey, it's strangely 'appropriate' every now and then.

Gosh you guys are a source of strength for me.

well, i've always been inclined to cry alone instead of with people. some combo of being naturally introverted and the stiff-upper-lip/don't-rock-the-boat training i got as a child.

when i am crying and grieving hard, i do notice some kind of weird remove, some part of my brain saying "is all this really necessary?". i guess then i wonder if it's all genuine. but that's usually fleeting. this pain level makes all crying i ever did in the past seem utterly frivolous. crying over a boyfriend? oh pleez.

as for my friends, let's just say that all of them either have no kids (and so don't get it) or have new babies (and so don't want to get it). i recognize that right now i live on Planet Grief. Planet Grief is not a nice place to visit, so most people don't visit me here, don't ask how i'm doing, don't start conversations about it, don't reference my daughter.

at this point it's been 10 months and ive kind of done what i can to let them know what i need. and they are probably doing the best they can. which really isn't enough for me. i totally cried during Julie/Julia, but didn't let my friends see - i think i would have just ended up feeling an idiot.

i hate how not only have i lost my daughter but i've also ended up with a life where (i think moops said it above) everything is landmine.

thinking of ya'll.

'when i am crying and grieving hard, i do notice some kind of weird remove, some part of my brain saying "is all this really necessary?". i guess then i wonder if it's all genuine.'
Oh God Jenni, me too. I keep believing that all this isn't necessary. The crying, the writing, the obsessing. The grieving, I guess. I keep thinking I'm being melodramatic.

I really piss myself off sometimes.

Moops, that sounds like a defence mechanism to me. If you know the people you're with aren't going to be sympathetic if you cry, why put yourself through that? Doesn't sound evil at all. Just human. And sometimes you just need to cry. if you can do it when there's someone there to take care of you (if that's what helps you), so much the better.