So.... anyone have any advice on dealing with crazy in-laws during the loss of a child?? Please HELP! I mean crazy, like the mother-in-law who argues in front of your face with your own father about who should pay to cremate your son kind of crazy. A woman who has the nerve to demand pictures of my dead son because she thinks she is entitled to them because she made a donation to the NILMDTS foundation who graciously provided the photographer in my sons last hours. A women who is quick to remind us that she lost a grand-son.... all despite her NEVER responding to any of our pregnancy announcements and has no relationship with my 2 year old daughter and barely one with us. What do you do with these kind of people. As a Christian woman, I value being loving, and capable of forgiveness, but seriously Lord... where can we draw the line? If I hear one more time about HER grief I will loose my mind! Never once has she thought about OUR grief..... How do I come back from this? I am robbed of a son and now I get the pleasure of being the "tolerant, understanding adult" in the room who tolerates this shit?

My grief counselor stresses on taking care of "me". All "me" wants to do is kick her ass and tell her where she can go.... but the rest of me... the good heart parts, who know what is right and wrong, say otherwise. UGH this bleeding heart of mine. I guess I tolerate it for my husband, who knows the truth of it all, but yet can't seem to "close the door" on this matter of respect. But how do I take care of me when I have the wishes of my husband to respect?

Dear Lord, give me the wisdom I need to make right decisions, and a heart full of love that is "enough" despite the "Stones" that are cast by others. Thank you for Your infinite understanding and unending love... In Jesus Name...... Amen.

My honest suggestion? Shut the door anyway. Stay away from her for awhile until you are feeling up to dealing with her.

I have a lot of experience with crazy in-laws and bad in-law relationships. Though we get along ok now (civilly at least), there was a lot in the past I won't go into. Basically, I refused to be treated poorly and I also refused to put my husband in a position where he had to choose between his family and me.

So I stayed away. On the rare occassions we were together, I was polite and friendly, but I shut out any possibility of being treated badly (it didn't stop the nonsense, but it shielded me from it and allowed my husband to set his own boundaries, which he needed to do for himself). My husband was always free to come and go and talk to his family as he wished and spend whatever time he wanted with them and I bit my tongue on criticizing them and on seeing his choosing to spend time with them as a rejection of me. It worked for a long time for us until things settled down, they accepted our relationship and we were able to start building a new one.

So my advice is let him run interference. Just tell him that you can't do this right now, that you understand he wants to keep this door open with her and that's fine, but he needs to be the one to do it while you take some time to recover.

And stay away from it.

I struggled for a long time trying to forgive hurts, trying to be sensitive, trying to salvage relationships that were crumbling in the wake of Gabriel's death. I was convinced that I was at fault and I simply needed to be more generous, more understanding, more sympathetic to other people even while my heart was bleeding and it was wearing me more than thin. So I finally stopped. And it was so freeing.

In discussing this with my therapist, I told her I felt a lot of guilt about it. Because I want to be a better person. I wanted to be those good things - empathetic, comforting, kind, understanding, generous. But I simply couldn't always do it, because it was hurting so much. I kept asking the same question you are asking - what about me? I get people don't know what to say, but why does that mean that I have to take 100 hits because 100 people say exactly the wrong thing that is the most painful? It just hurt too much to always, always, always be putting everyone else's feelings ahead of mine - and what is funny to me now, is that I never berated the person in front of me, but maybe complained about it after the fact and how insensitive I found their statements and was consistently chastized that I needed to be more understanding though I wasn't yelling at that person or being unkind to them in the moment.

Anyway, my therapist interrupted me and said, "Hold on. You ARE those things. You ARE kind, generous, understanding and empathetic. You are being those things and your actions bear that out. Being those things does not mean you have to be a doormat. It doesn't mean you can't take care of yourself or put your needs on the table as well."

It was a revelation for me, and I hope you see that it is true of you as well. You are doing those things you want to do and being the person you want to be, and stopping to set boundaries and see to your own needs and grief doesn't make that less true.

Bless you, sweet heart. Stay as strong as you are being now.

Sounds sort of like my grandmother, starts feeding off of other people's problems to get attention. It may be involuntary.

Doesn't mean you have to put up with it.

If it hits "that point," you know, where you can't take it, physically remove yourself. Just get up and walk out. Close the door on her if necessary. Don't worry about being rude, because the fact is, she is already being rude to you. Now, she'll likely try to chase you. You're going to have to firmly (not yelling, mind you, just sort of use your mummy voice) explain that you need to be left alone right now. If that doesn't work, find a way to leave the house. Eventually, she'll get the hint, sulk about it, and then she'll move onto something else you can handle better.

I'm really so sorry -- my MIL did this a bit too, which is to say, Made it all about her. How my daughter's death ruined her life, wrecked her little fantasy she thought she'd constructed in her head, etc., etc., ad nauseum. Never once talking to us, doing anything in our daughter's memory, asking to talk about her, etc. Just MIL. Drove me nuts, and three years later, our relationship really suffers in large part because of this initial bullshit.

Someone (a cousin) at one point called her on it, and told her to chill and that it wasn't about her. She didn't listen, but that doesn't mean another MIL might. Any chance you could get a mediator to tell her that what she's doing is really harmful? That right now you need to focus on you and your grief, not her issues? That she could be much more helpful supporting you and your husband right now and discussing later how much this hurts her, too?

Kellene, I am so sorry for your loss. As a NILMDTS photographer, her demanding a picture really frosts my cookies. WTH? Grrrr. Just chiming in to say I've got your back on this one.

My mother in law is a piece of work; however, when it comes to grief, she's particularly kind and loving. She has had two losses; a late miscarriage and my husband's brother, who was 15. I recently helped a friend who had a terminal illness die a peaceful, calm death, and my mother-in-law is one of the few people who really gets it. God give me the strength to remember this the next time she screams at my father-in-law over absolutely nothing or is incredibly rude to a server in a restaurant. Sigh...

Take gentle care, and don't be afraid to ask your husband or a trusted relative to talk to her about her actions. One foot in front of the other, mama. One foot in front of the other.