I am new to this "community" after losing my infant daughter (basically a 38.5-week stillborn who was born severely brain damaged instead of dead) on 11/4/09, a week after her birth. I am hoping I'm not out of line here, but I am having a very personal issue that I need some insight into. My husband and I had sex for the first time since Addison's birth/death last Wednesday, and it was very emotional (in a bad way) for me. I really didn't want to do it, but I knew my husband was ready, so I figured I would give it a go. I got a little emotional afterwards in private, although I don't think he knows that. I think doing the act that created Addison was a little much for me. It seems silly, but I think that's what bothered me.

He's not a high-libido guy, so we probably won't have sex for another couple of weeks, and I figured I'd feel a ltitle bit better about being intimate by then. But last night I had a very sexual dream, so tonight I kinda "snuck" in a quickie with my vibrator. But immediately afterward, I had a flood of emotion that I didn't expect. I just burst into tears. In fact, I still feel my eyes welling up, and it's been a couple of hours. I don't know what's wrong with me, and I'm just angry that in order to not be constantly sad about Addison's death, I have to turn off ALL emotion. I'm fine with not being super-happy right now, but I didn't expect an orgasm to hit me so hard and turn on the waterworks. Is there anyone out there who can relate, or am I totally effed up?

You're not effed up, Rebecca. You're sad and vulnerable, with emotions running very close to the surface, and that's entirely to be expected. An orgasm is an all-over muscle relaxant - whatever you are feeling will bubble over. To top it off, you may have been feeling a bit guilty for wanting to enjoy yourself.

Other women here can identify - I've seen their comments. Me, I went the other way. My sex life ground to a halt and I hated it. It felt like a double slap - failure as a mother and now unattractive as a woman. I'd read a post that someone was back in the sack after two weeks, a month, three months, whatever - and feeling lousy about it, like you. And I'd be jealous. I think we're all putting too much pressure on ourselves.

Really, nothing any of us is doing is crazy - what's crazy is what happened to us. We scratch around for a method to help us through the madness, and because we don't recognise our behaviour in anyone around us, we begin to think we're somehow defective. Faulty logic. It's likely that no-one we know has been through this.

Be kind to yourself. These are early days. Addison will be a hard act to follow.

I felt this way. So much like this. Nothing effed up about you. I wish you all the best in healing. I am very sorry for your loss of your little Addison.

Because I had an infection in the hospital (yeah for teaching hospitals), we were told to wait 8 weeks before having sex again. I cried too. Hormones are raging and the last time anyone was in that "neighborhood" was for a very different reason. You aren't "effed" up, you are grieving. I hated the way it felt, I hated the way I felt, I hated the whole thing. But it does get better. Not to stick my nose into your business too much but if you need to get some anti-depressants, don't hesitate to ask for them. I felt ashamed and embarrassed but I figure any day that I can get out bed is a victory, if I need a little help making it through the rest of the day, so be it. Just don't be afraid to ask for drugs, be kind to yourself and know that we are here for you.

http://www.glowinthewoods.com/home/category/intimacy

That's a post from the archives in gitw that speaks to what you are talking about; maybe it will be helpful to you.

The first couple of times I felt pretty emotional, so you definitely aren't alone in that. Because of all the issues in my pregnancy, it was over 7 months from the time we had last had sex (conceiving Gabriel) to when we finally had sex again. And that was, oh . . . over 7 weeks after he died. Maybe more like 9.

I simply wasn't ready before then, and frankly, neither was my husband. After all, sex leads to babies and babies, for us, lead to terrible loss and pain. Not sure I wanted to move forward there until I could separate the two things in my head. Once I could do that, it got easier for me. Now it's no big deal, which is good since we are trying to conceive again and having a good deal of it.

If I may compare, one of the things that was initially difficult for me after our first loss (not Gabriel), was eating. I simply didn't want to do it. It felt wrong, eating when my baby was dead. Let alone eating for any sort of pleasure in the taste and texture of the food.

I imagine sex can be a lot like that. Guilt for finding pleasure in anything when your baby is dead, guilt in finding pleasure in an action that created your child, feeling lost to be so outside your normal, feeling pain and wondering how to do mundane things like dust and have sex when you are in so much pain, feeling antsy about moving forward. All I can say is that in my experience, it's perfectly normal and fades with some more time.

And that you should be gentle with yourself on all fronts and take whatever time you need to experience your feelings to the fullest, which is the most direct way of acknowledging that you feel them.

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Addison. You are not alone.

Thank you, thank you all of you for your insights and support. I felt so screwed up and alone when I spiraled down because I allowed myself to really FEEL anything but this aching sadness. To hear from those of you who know intimately how I feel is so helpful right now.

Moops, your comment about us putting too much pressure on ourselves really spoke to me. I feel the need to be "normal" right now, but I feel anything but that. I am trying to just take this one moment at a time.

Martha, I am very pro-drug and have been on Zoloft for about 6 years now. While I did go off it during my pregnancy with my now-3-year-old, I decided to stay on it while pregnant with Addison. And when we found out how bad off she was the day after she was born, I was SO glad it was already in my system. I can't imagine how terribly I'd be doing if I didn't at least have that.

Eliza, I read and read and read in the link you posted, and I'm not done yet. This site truly is the retreat I need from a world where I feel no one knows exactly how I feel. Thank you for directing me to that.

You're absolutely not effed up! I still have times when the intensely intimate act of having sex with my hubby, who knows my every emotion and has experienced the highest highs and lowest lows with me, reduces me to tears. Everything you're feeling is totally normal. Sex is so primal and in tune with so much of what lies beneath -- it's like a reflex in a way. When our mental status is so broken and hurting it reverts to something that takes little thought and yet can heal us. Maybe you should talk this through with hubby or a therapist. Either way, you're totally on par.

Oh my gosh, Rebecca, absolutely. Sex and death, tangled up? Good god. It's such a mess. I can't address it right now as I'd like to, just issues of time, but I wanted to chime in and just nod vigorously.

Sex is the act of celebrating and indulging and taking pleasure in a body that failed to protect a child. It felt inappropriate to me... so wildly inappropriate. For a long time.

I'll think on it and come back. Your post here was so important, it makes me consider writing about it again, from a new angle. Thank you for being here.

sweetsalty kate, you just identified what I've been feeling for so long, that's what I've been trying to find a way to tell my husband. Sex is joy and celebration and pleasure, indulging your body; when your body was a traitor, then in addition to any physical pain there is that disloyalty in feeling any pleasure at all as well as the fear of another pregnancy...