So I met with the RE to have the sonohystogram done this morning - the last piece before my new doc gives me blessing to go ahead and try to conceive again. I'd had reams of bloodwork, and had figured I probably had some type of clotting disorder (all the pieces fit so nicely into that package, and I could even tie it with a bow - meaning I knew how treatble it would be when we got pregnant again). I figured this would be a piece of cake, and just to set my mind at ease.

And in fact, the old uterus looks fine. However, the RE was particularly interested to note I'd had the rare cervical pregnancy, and paid special attention to my cervix and pronounced it to have sustained some damage from that blasted pregnancy. He can't say for certain that I have an incompetent cervix, but he says it is likely. He can't say for certain that that caused or contributed to Gabriel's premature birth, but he says it's likely. It's certainly not the sole cause (as I had had all that bleeding and a huge clot on the placenta indicating an misdiagnosed abruption), but it's possible. He says I need a cerclage in future pregnancies and close monitoring.

This completely threw me for a loop. Incompetent cervix was something that had been dismissed ages ago - I was not at all concerned about it or prepared for it, given that I was completely closed and not at all effaced hours before Gabe's birth. I was prepared for blood clotting disorders. I had my long list of questions ready about the risks and treatments for all sorts of those issues.

But this? Was totally out of left field unexpected. I also have a heterozygous MTHFR mutation, but the RE was dismissive of it as a cause for major concern, provided I take an extra B-complex vitamin supplement.

So we're back to not knowing what caused the placental malformations (previa) and abruption and pre-term labor. We only know now I'm still at risk for it happening again, and perhaps moreso than we realized.

There is no treatment. There is not a thing we can really do to stop it all from happening again. I mean, sure I'll be super-duper closely monitored - I'll have a detailed ultrasound every other week, if things are going well! I'll have a direct line to be seen if I feel uncomfortable. I'll be consulting with top notch MFM's in addition to my own quite competant new doctor.

(you know, assuming I can pregnant again)

And all of that? Fools gold. All of it. Attempts at pretending we have any control whatsoever, when we have none. Things with Gabriel went downhill so fast; a matter of hours. Not a damned thing we can do will prevent that happening again.

I just want to scream. I wanted something more straightforward. I know I should be relieved that there is nothing seriously wrong with me - again, I came through with flying colors, an extremely healthy fat person. I am relieved I don't have medical issues that need to be addressed. But I'm also dying inside just a little from not having as clear a path as I wanted or hoped for, for having to take a bigger leap of faith than I was prepared for, and just a bit because I feel so much more personally responsible now than I did for Gabe's birth. I feel like my body failed him, rather than bad luck, rather than incompetent and negligent physicians . . . in the end, it was likely my own stupid body, damaged by a stupid cervical pregnancy that happened because I didn't want to wait a full cycle to try and get pregnant after my miscarriage last fall (I had approval to try again, it wasn't against doctor's orders or anything, but still).

Today is not a good day for me.

Eliza, I just wanted to give you support, tell you I'm thinking about you. None of that is fair, it all sounds scary and sad, having the fear of knowing that the next pregnancy will be tenuous. I believe you can get through it, I know you can. Trying again is scary, even without all of the possible complications. My love to you today.

I don't know much, but I do know that this is absolutely NOT YOUR FAULT. You tried to get pregnant as soon as possible because you wanted a baby. You still want a baby. You wanted Gabriel, I do know that. You did not go against doctor's orders and you did nothing wrong. There was no way for you to know it would result in such tragedy. Getting in your car every day could also result in tragedy but that doesn't stop you from going to the grocery store so you can eat and live and breath...

There's no use blaming yourself, or anyone, for that matter, because all the blame in the world will not bring Gabriel back and it will not get you pregnant again. Life is full of chaos and random acts that we will never understand because there is no reason for chaos. It is life. We're just here to live it the best way we know how. All you can do is make your decisions with as much thought as possible and then make some more.

I'm obviously talking to myself here, too, but I wanted to share because I don't think you should suffer for wanting to love a baby of your own.

oh, sister i hear ya'. it is very hard to not have answers, to not have a definitive diagnosis, to not have a clear course of prevention for next time. i've been going through that rigamarole since last spring. my batch of maybes include cervix, blood clot, uterine shape, uterine lining, elevated ACAs and good old preterm labor for no apparent reason. it is hard to sit with the best doctors in the world and have them say "maybe" and "we really don't know".

we also are about to take that leap over the cliff and hate that it is a bigger leap than we'd like... all we can do is act on what little we know and hope for the best. yikes and yuck! i know what you mean by losing them happening so fast. it was the same way with angel mae. it's hard to believe that "next time" we could catch it, stop it. maybe we will, maybe we won't. it's so hard. i hate having so little control.

the good news is that this time your doctors will be watching you like a hawk. also, maybe you could connect with some other moms who have had cerclage so you know what to expect, how that will go? i've heard many, many cerclage success stories. xo

I just wanted to let you know that I've been where you are and I'm so sorry. I've got FVL and my OB dismissed it as long as I did my daily injections -- and I quote, "There's absolutely no reason for you to NOT try again if that's what you want." Oh but wait, my body failed me. Again.

No, it's not our fault. But it sure as hell hurts when our parts that are supposed to do a certain job don't hold up their end of the bargain.