What am I to do with all of this rage? I cannot get over the fact that if my midwife had diagnosed him breech just five or ten minutes sooner he would be alive. I want her dead, I want her family dead. I want her to suffer like I am suffering. Any kind of guilt she may feel is not enough for me. What do I do with this RAGE? We're not going to sue her, we dont even speak anymore. The state is already doing their own investigation and she may lose her license. But what about ME? What do I do for the rest of my life without my baby? Where do I channel this utter hatred? I dont want to be a wretched person, I dont want to be bitter, but I cant stop thinking about all of the ways we could have saved him. We were mere minutes from saving him when we lost him. Had she called an ambulance we probably would have made it, instead she asked my husband to drive, and he was just crazy eyed, and there was traffic, and honking didnt make anyone move. My son died because of the stupidity of my midwife and TRAFFIC for Christ sakes!! What am I supposed to do with THAT?

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I don't have an answer for you because I'm going through similar feelings and questions right now. Weekly my therapist reminds me that there is nothing to be done about it now and I must learn to accept what happened in order to move on. For my daughter and my husband, and eventually myself. But it's so so hard.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone in your anger. The fact that you do not want to be bitter means that you can get past this with time. That may be the only thing but time really does lessen the anger as well as the pain.

Good luck and I'm so sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry. Sorry for your loss, sorry for the fact that your trust was breeched, sorry that you are in the midst of this. I too, had a lot of anger and rage at the caregivers around me when my son was born. I won't bore you with the details (they are posted here elsewhere if you are curious) but I learned after the fact that standard of care was horrifyingly neglected and then I really raged. It may not have made a difference if I had been treated appropriately, the placenta may have been too abrupted to matter if we could have stopped labor, but the what-ifs were killing me.

I was angry, I was furious, I wanted someone to stand up and acknowledge they screwed up. We seriously considered suing because I was so angry.

And then, one day, I wasn't anymore. I can't tell you what the difference was, where it went, why I was different; I just was. I know that is about the least helpful thing you could possibly hear, but it's like it was welling up inside me, eating at me and then . . . gone. It just wasn't worth it anymore and it would have required effort to maintain. I'm still sad, I still get angry sometimes, and that's ok.

Just find ways to let it out, that's all I can suggest for now. If you are filled with it, channel it. Maybe into a project or something physical (that's how my husband does it - goes out and savagely attacks the tree with pruning shears or scrubbing tub) or write it out (that's what I did. I wrote letters in a safe place to all the people I was angry at. I explained why I was angry and put in every hateful thing I wanted to scream in their faces). It doesn't make it all better or make it disappear, but it maybe would make it easier to live with until it's run its course.

You aren't alone, and it's ok to be angry.

I was really angry and unlike you, I had no one to direct it at...hell, I still get angry that I had two (TWO!!!!) little boys and now I have none. I broke plates. Yup, you heard right. A neighbor went to 2 Goodwills and a thrift store and bought about 3 dozen plates and 3 pairs of googles. We stood in the driveway and I smashed them until I was crying so hard, I thought I would throw up. My neighbor put me to bed and her husband swept up and hosed down the driveway. It helped because I wanted to destroy something. I wanted to rage.

If you can't break plates, I recommend throwing pillows. I still do that.

You aren't going to move on and that's okay. You will move forward but you'll never have a day that goes by that you don't think about him and that's okay too. It's how you deal with those memories that will unable you to move forward. On the days that all I can think about is that doctor telling me that Baby B had no heartbeat, I try and change my focus. I think about him kicking me and how amazing it felt when they both would kick me. That makes me smile.

But for now, if you want to be mad, be mad. That's okay.

I remember the rage - and it still comes, albeit far less often, 16 months out. I also had questionable decisions made professionals and my son could have lived if they hadn't released me from hospital. in the beginning, I was consumed with rage. It was, by far, my greatest response to losing my son. My dad bought me a punching bag and some gloves and I used to go in the basement and punch the crap out of it until I was a sobbing, screaming mess on the floor. That helped. Eventually, I got tired of being so angry all the time but that took a lot of time and a lot of tears. I'm so, so sorry for your loss.