for one and all > Panick Attacks
The baby that I miscarried, she had a name. But nobody says it, not even me. The due date...well...I don't know. A lot of times, both children I lost, the anticipation of those days is worse than anything. That miscarriage date hits me, and the 4th of July is actually hard for me a bit (but of course I can't say anything) because that's the other thing, I remember being told we still needed to do 4th of July because of the deployment coming up, and that we didn't have anything "for sure" known yet, sitting there feeling blank.
The worst thing for me, I guess, is that all I have left is paperwork, there was no body to bury, no ashes to scatter...
You might need to go ahead and talk to someone about it. I think perhaps that some of the reason my mother (a nurse) ended up leaving the hospital she was working at after Aeryn died, whether she talks about it or not, is that the little newborn chime went off right outside her door, announcing a new baby being born down the hall.
Talk to somebody. Maybe you need to float somewhere else for a while, and then you'll be okay to head back. I'm headed to nursing school, hopefully if I can finish it and graduate in August 2011, I'll hoping be working NI after that, but we'll see. It's been almost exactly four and a half years since I lost the first baby, though, and about a year and 8 months since losing Aeryn. Time has altered some things.
I don't know if anything I've said helped, but that's what I'm trying to do. The best advice I can give you is to go ahead and find someone you can talk to. Because then, yes, you'll still get those exhaustion days, but it's not quite as bad if there's somebody there to catch you. Hold on as best you can.
The worst thing for me, I guess, is that all I have left is paperwork, there was no body to bury, no ashes to scatter...
You might need to go ahead and talk to someone about it. I think perhaps that some of the reason my mother (a nurse) ended up leaving the hospital she was working at after Aeryn died, whether she talks about it or not, is that the little newborn chime went off right outside her door, announcing a new baby being born down the hall.
Talk to somebody. Maybe you need to float somewhere else for a while, and then you'll be okay to head back. I'm headed to nursing school, hopefully if I can finish it and graduate in August 2011, I'll hoping be working NI after that, but we'll see. It's been almost exactly four and a half years since I lost the first baby, though, and about a year and 8 months since losing Aeryn. Time has altered some things.
I don't know if anything I've said helped, but that's what I'm trying to do. The best advice I can give you is to go ahead and find someone you can talk to. Because then, yes, you'll still get those exhaustion days, but it's not quite as bad if there's somebody there to catch you. Hold on as best you can.
December 7, 2009 |
Katherine
Katherine
I can't even imagine. I can't look in the direction of little babies. They cry and my heart tightens. I can't be around the joy of others. Not now. Not yet.
If I were in your position I would definitely request a few months somewhere else.
*thinking of you*
If I were in your position I would definitely request a few months somewhere else.
*thinking of you*
December 7, 2009 |
Caz
Caz
Dear Anom,
I work in health care too. I had 5 miscarriages while providing newborn assessements as part of my job. I cried in bathrooms, exam rooms, and lunch rooms trying to pretend to be composed and still bring home a pay check.
What I think now (1 year out from miscarriages) is that it is OK to give yourself a little time and space. It doesn't mean you will leave NICU nursing, it doesn't mean you have failed the grief test. Knowing what I know now, I might have taken even a couple of weeks off then. At the time, though, I kept thinking that I was creating momentum by pushing myself a little. How supportive is your work place? Is your leadership approachable?
The due date- I personally felt better out from under it. (My daughter Jenna was born and died in July, and her due date was November 2, 2009) Like I could breath fresh air, move forward. I was worried that Jenna would feel further away once the date came and went but that wasn't the case for me.
You have made it this far, which means you are full of grit and courage. And since you are a NICU nurse, you are top shelf in terms of intelligence. Which ever path you choose,-a leave, a few sick days here and there, or to keep grinding it out, will be the right one for you. You will be successful, this incredibly hard part in your life will pass.
Take care anom, the world needs your spirit.
I work in health care too. I had 5 miscarriages while providing newborn assessements as part of my job. I cried in bathrooms, exam rooms, and lunch rooms trying to pretend to be composed and still bring home a pay check.
What I think now (1 year out from miscarriages) is that it is OK to give yourself a little time and space. It doesn't mean you will leave NICU nursing, it doesn't mean you have failed the grief test. Knowing what I know now, I might have taken even a couple of weeks off then. At the time, though, I kept thinking that I was creating momentum by pushing myself a little. How supportive is your work place? Is your leadership approachable?
The due date- I personally felt better out from under it. (My daughter Jenna was born and died in July, and her due date was November 2, 2009) Like I could breath fresh air, move forward. I was worried that Jenna would feel further away once the date came and went but that wasn't the case for me.
You have made it this far, which means you are full of grit and courage. And since you are a NICU nurse, you are top shelf in terms of intelligence. Which ever path you choose,-a leave, a few sick days here and there, or to keep grinding it out, will be the right one for you. You will be successful, this incredibly hard part in your life will pass.
Take care anom, the world needs your spirit.
December 7, 2009 |
diana
diana
I lost my second baby by miscarriage. I was ok - after all, I have seen the worst. Now all of a sudden, I'm not.
I am caring for babies that are now born, but have the same due date as my baby. There they are, in the flesh, and mine is gone. Probably in the hospital incinerator since I was only 12 weeks.
I panic all day long every time I have to touch that sweet baby or help the parents get the baby out for cuddles. I cry all day long at work in secret and choke back tears when people ask if I am ok. I put on a happy face and support the parents on their hard journey of prematurity.
I love my job more than I can say, and I don't want this to affect it. I want to be the best for these babies and their family. I am struggling and I don't know what to do to move past all of this. Will I be ok after the due date has come and gone? Does that help for those of you that have had a miscarriage?
All I want is for this to stop.
All the while, I am a mess. But no one really knows it. It is exhausting me.