Just lost what I think is a baby, but what was repeatedly called "product" and "tissue" this weekend, as I went through a horribly painful and medically dangerous miscarriage at 12 weeks. I am not sure what to do with the feelings I have. I feel strangely guilty to be sad since I know that there are people that have lost beautiful babies that they have been able to hold and kiss, that they knew and were able to meet. I am left feeling ridiculous about be upset about someone that I never met, or even knew the sex of. I wish I had at least been able to know that part. Are there any other Mommas out there that have experienced an early loss and just don't know how to feel? I really feel completely lost, and alone, and heartbroken.

Hey there,

I haven't experienced the kind of loss you have, so I hope more people will weigh in with more useful comments....but I wanted to say how sorry I am. A loss is a loss darlin - I think it's perfectly fair to feel sad and lost after that. As I see it, it's a life - a life that you wanted; a life that was part of you. There's nothing to be gained by playing the "whose pain is worse" game. Since I lost my son I keep finding myself thinking things like "Oh my gosh, that must be so hard, I can't imagine that" when reading of someone else's loss...and then realizing that my loss is probably incomprehensible to a lot of other people too. But it doesn't matter, is the thing. Every last one of them counts and comes complete with it's own set of emotions and fears and guilt and joy and all of the rest of it.

I hope you are okay and that you find people to help you through this. My only advice would be to be gentle with yourself, and accept how you are feeling however that might be. It's all valid.

Hang in there - I will be thinking of you and wishing you well. Best wishes.

Dear N-

I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband and I have experienced three losses--one early miscarriage, a 12-week loss and most recently a baby who was stillborn at 22 weeks. They've all been different and they've all been so painful. Please don't deny yourself what you're going through.

And I agree whole-heartedly with Christy. Even after all we've been through I still find myself doing that whole "I don't know how they made it through" scene in my head. But I know people say that about us. And still here we are.

I hope you find peace and hope here. My thoughts are with you.

Babyloss is just that, no matter how you slice it, the pain is the same. I experienced six miscarriages and the death of my son at six days old. Not only are you losing a child, but also the hopes and dreams you had for yourself and that baby. I loved each child we conceived from the moment I knew of their existence. All of my losses except for my son were early losses, before twelve weeks. However, it didn't take away the heartache, in fact I found that I had no closure, not knowing why or what sex my baby was. There was no holding a body or funeral which in alot of ways makes it harder to deal with. I'm so sorry you're going through this, I know the pain all too well and you are welcome here just as any one of us who have lost a baby, at any stage of gestation, or to neonatal loss. Hugging you and wishing you peace

My first baby was disposed of as "tissue." Now because of the various genetic testing and such that happened due to losing my daughter Aeryn, we call that baby fairly certainly female, but there's no real way to know, just what my gut feeling was followed by statistics from genetic testing later.

You are not the only one. I am not the only one. In some ways, losing that baby was worse for me than losing Aeryn because at least with her, although it's taking forever to set in motion due to one thing and another, we will be able to have a final burial place. I know I'm not the only mama to feel this way, because I stumbled across this blog:

http://diaryofamiscarriage.blogspot.com/2007/04/proper-burial.html

Margaret-

Thank you for saying what I was having trouble saying. You're exactly right--no matter how you slice it it hurts. Badly.

Love.

I'm so sorry for your loss. IIt absolutely counts. Someone dear to me went through a loss similar to yours a few years back. She almost lost her life in a first tri miscarriage. The doctors could not even find her baby's tissue. Afterwards she was left with the physical trauma, the postpartum hormones, and the grief, but no baby, nothing to bury, and very few tangible memories to hold onto. So very sad.

She never knew her baby but felt the loss just as deeply. That is totally normal. She had an intuition that her baby was a girl, and talks about her that way. She named the baby, and planted a tree in her honor near her church. She also painted a beautiful shaker box with her baby's name and comforting words from scripture and filled it with some objects that remind her of her precious time of being pregnant with that baby.

The rituals and making something concrete really helped her. I know that on the internet there are lots of ideas for memorializing your baby, as well as prayers, poems, and rituals for and by women who suffer miscarriages. I wonder if any of things might help a tiny bit...?

Please do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. Your loss is real and it takes time to heal. Love to you.

Thank you to everyone who replied to my desperate attempt at rationalizing this whole experience.

I no longer feel stupid for mourning my lil' munchie, as I call my babies. I am very lucky to have a boy to come home to who is 21 months old. I can't imagine doing this without him in my life.

So many of my dreams have been shattered with losing this baby. I wanted my son to have siblings close, really close, to his age. Now that is gone.

The hardest part to deal with is not being able to have this experience privately, in my own home, but rather having to have a flurry of doctors and nurses poke and prod and remove and insert, as I lay there damn near bleeding to death. They saved my life, and for that I am thankful.

Katherine, thank you for that blog link. It is EXACTLY how I am feeling and thinking. Panicking thinking about where my munchie ended up.

I am sorry to all of you that lost beautiful babies, and babies you never met. I never, ever could comprehend the pain, the complete heart ache that comes with losing someone you loved so much.

And I loved my munchie from before s/he was conceived, and even more when I saw those two pink lines on the pregnancy test. Even though I was not able to physically see who was living in there, I still knew that there was someone living. And for that I am thankful, and at least for a moment in time, my second munchie was alive, and will continue to do so in my very broken heart.

None of my close friends of more than 20 years seem to think it is a big deal. My latest hurtle is to find a way not to be angry with them for allowing me to go through this without their support.

Thanks again to you all.
N.