It was 12 weeks ago. A Sunday night. 9:44 pm. I got into bed and tried to get my maternity pillow settled underneath me. I was 22 weeks pregnant with twins. As I turned onto my side, I heard a loud "pop" and instantly felt water gushing down my thighs.
I instantly knew it was over.
I stayed pregnant for 2 weeks, while there was apparently an infection boiling. Both my babies were killed by this infection.
Today was a rough day-it's father's day, which is a double whammy for my husband since his dad died in november, 2 weeks before we conceived the twins after 14 months of ttc. We are exhausted. It's summer, and we're teachers, so we are used to staying up late, but we were both fighting sleep, so we went up to bed early.
We crawled in. I settled myself. My husband said, "Can you believe it's 9:40 on a Sunday night during summer vacation and we're going to sleep?"
I think I had a panic attack. Each night when I got to bed, I think about my water breaking. I can hear it pop. But then, after about an hour or so, I fall asleep.
Tonight after he said that, I freaked out. I was overcome by grief and sadness. I screamed. I cried. There is no way I can go to bed now.
I realize I'm wearing the same pajama pants that I was that night-don't even remember pulling them out of the drawer.
My husband felt so bad. It's not his fault. We are now in the basement, he on the couch and me in the recliner, trying to have a "sleepover" in the basement.
Do any of you have one of those moments? That you replay? That you might repeat over and over again?
How do you get past?
Do I need a new bed and new pajamas or even a new house?

Christy;

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful twins. Today is the seven month anniversary of my son's stillbirth and yesterday was very difficult for my husband too (he also lost his step-father in November and his grandmother last week). Yes, I have moments that I replay over and over. I even have flashbacks to that day, like a vietnam-era vet except without the rice paddy. I wish I could say that a new bed and house would make things better (I'm always up for new PJs), but, in my limited experience, there's no substitute for time. My grief journey has been like a wave that I am occasionally able to ride but more often slams me into the shore repeatedly. Please know that you, your husband, and your two babies are in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and Love

Katie

Your post hit me in the gut. I just want to tell you, this is really hard, right around this time. Most people around you have stopped mentioning anything, the world seems to have forgotten, and your world is still completely NOT normal.

New pajamas might be in order, they might help. Or maybe not. Mine was the "first Christmas together" nightgown. It was blue with little floral swirls, one of those giant T-shirt type things, nothing fancy but in my family it was always a tradition to have new pajamas on Christmas Eve, I told my husband about it and he'd gotten that nightgown for me. It was one nightgown that still fit when I was starting to show that first pregnancy, I remember the lone stretchmark that's now long covered by others. The blood got all over it, all over everything, I remember bleeding onto the hospital floor and apologizing to the nurse who was trying to clean it up, how it swirled and splashed on the white tile under those horrible hospital lights. My mother took the nightgown home with her when they got to the hospital and I was in the hospital gown to have the D&C because the bleeding just wouldn't stop. She scrubbed it and I don't know what all she used on it but she got all the blood out of it and brought it back to me. I never wore it again and I ended up throwing it away when I got pregnant with my son, like it was bad luck to have that nightgown around, like the nightgown caused the miscarriage or something. My son is turning three this week, so it's obviously been a reasonably long time since that night, but you wrote about the pajamas and boom, there it was. So I agree, try to take it easy on yourself, it will get so you can function "normally" again but you will always remember certain things. Some sound or phrase or the way the light looks will trigger something, and you'll have to take a deep breath and go on. The important thing to know is that you're not the only one, who knows, maybe it's some kind of a mild form of PTSD - but just know it will happen, and you can get through it although it is hard. Wish I could give you a hug wherever you are.

SO sorry for your loss Christy. We lost our triplets at 20 weeks on March 6th 2009, so I am close to your emotions now. Its hard to sleep, its hard to breathe, its hard to eat, but I trudge on. When I feel like I am at the end of my rope, I tie a knot...and keep trying to pull myself up. Its very hard, but I try to give myself some slack and go easy on myself. I am at work, but I cant work, I am constantly thinking of my baby girls, so I allow myself to do so. I do take an occasional Xanex to ease the stress. When I delivered the girls, I was measuring as a full term mommy with a singleton and had been in maternity clothes from 6 weeks on....and after I came home from the hospital and felt "deflated" I could not stand to look at any maternity clothes and packed them all away. Anything I wore while prego I packed away. Not sure if it helped but I think its better not to see them. I wish you peace and strength to get through this and I pray for your heart to heal. xo Nan

hi christy. i'm so sorry.. i lost my daughter in ptl and experienced most of the trauma at home as well. it is so hard to come back into the space, to return to the scene of the crime, so to speak. please be gentle with yourself, and take whatever small steps will make your physical and "psychic" space feel safe and comforting for you again. it is ok to change everything, or nothing, as you need.

re: pajamas, afterwards i threw out some clothes and kept others - even the sweat pants i wore to the hospital. some objects like that, that i thought would trouble me, turned out to be precious memories. i've also thought about moving my bed or throwing it out - or just changing the furniture around in the bedroom. the bed was my space where i carried her and talked to her at night. sometimes it is just too sad to be lying there without her.

afterwards a friend came and cleaned my bathroom. my sisters came and took away all the maternity clothes and triaged all my hospital paperwork. that was so helpful, to have someone else step in and do some organizing. could someone come and help you look at your room and help you clear out things that are too painful right now? help you "feng shui" it for good sleep?

i think it's individual to each of us - what to clear out, what to treasure, what to change, what to try to freeze in time. whatever you need to do for yourself, to support your body and soul while you heal, is what you should do. do what feels good, even if it looks weird to others. it's all ok.

again i'm so sorry for your loss and will be thinking of you this week.

Yes, those damn replays and flashbacks hurt intensely. I hope they subside - mine did eventually but they still bring me to my knees on occasion. As everyone has said, 3 months is so early but feels like an eternity. Somehow, and I don't know how, you trudge through and time marches on. I am so sorry for the loss of your twins. Much love to you.

Christy, I'm so sorry about your twins. I spent the first 6 months after my son died dreading those few moments before sleep hit me, when I'd relive the birth and loss. It's only lately that I can go to bed without instantly finding myself back in that hospital bed, and I still read myself to sleep pretty often in an attempt to fill my head with other things.

But I didn't have such a traumatic and pivotal moment to replay, and I can only imagine how hard that must be.

There are two moments that I have. The one when I got up to go to the bathroom and bled down the hallway and into the bathroom. "What in the hell? What's happening?!?"
And the moment our doc told us what was going on. "You're having a placental abruption and your baby isn't going to live." Reality is so very harsh.

Don't expect to snap out of this like nothing happened. These babies are your babies--you can't lose them and have a date circled on the calendar when you're going to be "over it." My advice is to live this time in your life--feel it fully. This hurts so badly, I know. But if you allow yourself to experience this grief now it'll get easier and easier. The days get less gray and the nights not as dark, but your heart will forever be changed.

There is a shop at the mall that I can't go into. I was there that evening when I began to feel awful. My back ached and I felt so miserable for some reason... the reason - which i realised only days later - was that placental abruption was underway. I remember at the time wanting to get out of that shop. Now I can't go near it without a chill running down my spine.