I know we're really supposed to figure out how to do this blog thing but I've never gotten past message boards - the cell phone I'm finally forced to carry, I barely know how to work - so bear with me. Everyone else is asleep this morning, the day I'd planned to sleep in, but can't.

I got lucky yesterday.

Number one, it was a plaster copy, not real. Number two, we only had the skull to handle and look at.

You know, I can't help thinking of my initial attempt at getting into health care. I was fresh out of my bachelor's degree, ready to learn to help others, moving house, everything else, when I discovered that the crazy amounts of exhausting I'd been drinking massive amounts of caffeine during finals to cover was actually a symptom of early pregnancy. (I blamed my dedication to finals for the miscarriage later - still, even after knowing what did probably cause it I won't touch energy drinks and barely manage coffee and tea, my own little phobia.) I miscarried three days before the final interview for admission. So no, I didn't get in. I did the interview but they told me I was too cold, not emotional enough to be a good therapist. Hah. You all know what was really going on, the autopilot phase. We'd already moved and prepared ourselves for life with me as a student, I'd even gotten a job at the college doing nights & weekends foodservice.

So, since we'd already moved, I already had the job, etcetera, I decided I'd go ahead and take anatomy and physiology and just reapply to the program next semester. Turns out the lecturer was an embryologist. Second class meeting she went on - and on - and on - and would not shut UP about how incredible human development is. I was having trouble paying the medical bills and the tuition bills and when I went home I just lay down and slept all the time. So, I dropped the class.

This time I am absolutely determined. It's been longer. I'm not going to quit, I've got to get this nursing degree so that I can help other families the way we needed there to be help, and so I can help some of those babies go home with their families the way everyone thought they were going to in the first place. I'm viciously determined. We're talking audionotes for the hour and a half drive over, the flashcards, colouring pictures everywhere, teaching my three year old words like patella and antecubital at bathtime (hey, better than other stuff he could learn), and so forth.

But I had to pick up that fetal skull. I had to look at it and try and look for the way it was formed. I had to look at the fontanels and suture lines and try not to think about how Aeryn's skull was pushed out by the cerebrospinal fluid, how the nasal bones were pushed forward to deform what would probably have been a pretty little face, how small this skull was, how normal....and not think about why there was even a fetal skull to make a cast of.

I hope I'm doing the right thing. I really do. In some ways it is pure selfishness, or perhaps some way to try and alleviate the guilt I feel for so many things, to get this degree and licensure. I was doing fine, even the other day when the embryo model unexpectedly popped out of the female torso (some joker stuffed it in there last semester, apparently) when I pulled out the uterus...I mean, if I can't contain my reactions over plastic and plaster, am I going to be any use to a real mother and father? I hope so. And since nobody said anything to me, I bet I'm the only one who noticed I was about to cry.

Katherine-

Thank you for for sharing your story.

There have been so many times when my babylost world suddenly crumbles due to something totally unrelated--like your plastic torso giving birth. Those times are ours and we're allowed to feel the pain and fuck 'em all if they've got a problem with it.