I have only recently stumbled on this site and have been reading lots of sad, heartbreaking stories like my own. Our beautiful boy was stillborn 8mths ago now at 37wks. We have been on the emotional roller coaster and managed to get through a few of the "firsts" like Christmas, Mother's day, 6mth anniversary etc. I was expecting that it would overtime get easier but I am finding it harder and harder. I also suffered a subsequent miscarriage about a month ago at 7wks. I am just feeling really beaten as everyone around me seems to be falling pregnant or having babies. I know that we can do this as we have a beautiful 3 yr old who is living proof but I don't feel like I can really move forward until our family is complete. I feel like my life is on hold and this seems to be stopping me from getting on with things.
Did anyone else feel this way? and any ideas about what helped you.

Erin, I'm glad you found us, although so sorry for your losses. Of course it feels like life is on hold - you're working to grow your family, and that's the mode you're in, and you're in that state of interuppted growth. You're in-between. And that's tough.

Many, many women who both write and read here have had children, then infant loss and/or miscarriage, and then more children. They could probably speak better to navigating that in-between space than I can.

What I have for you is just an embrace, and listening. My son died two years ago, one of twins, and I already had a 2 1/2 year old as well. So we now have two kids, and I think we're done. I look at women who continue on to conceive after loss with such admiration.. I'm holding your hand and just urging you to be kind to yourself, to get whatever rest you can, and to just keep trying as long as your heart tells you to.
xo

Our son, Sam, was stillborn in July of last year at 38 weeks. I had a miscarriage in January at 5 weeks and a "missed miscarriage" in late April of this year. I thought I was 11 weeks along, but the doctor said the baby died around 9 weeks so I had to have a D&C. We also have a 4 year old son who is very much alive.

I am also feeling completely beaten down. Like my body is failing us and I have no idea why. I don't have any great advice for you except to, like Kate said, keep trying as long as your heart tells you to. My husband and I agree that we really want another child (some days I think I want two or three more) and we want to keep trying. For whatever reason the statistics have not been on our side, but we do have a healthy son. So, like you, I know I can do it.

I believe that what is meant to be, will be. But I also know how hard it is when you've been so close to what you wanted and then had it all fall apart - more than once. And how it seems everyone around you is getting pregnant exactly as they wanted to without any problems. It's a slap in the face. I always try to remind myself that I don't know what everyone else has been through behind closed doors. Just as many of them do not know what I have been through.

I think it's okay to stay focused on another pregnancy for awhile. It deserves your attention. Let yourself do what you need to do when you need to do it.

Please let me know if you would like my e-mail address. It sounds like our situations have a lot of similarities.

Take care.
Jenny

My son died at 30 weeks a little over a year ago; we are now expecting his sister the end of July. Coincidentally (or not), due on the same EDD he would have been due, just a year apart. In the weeks immediately after his death, I had this overwhelming urge to be pregnant again, like a do-over of a sorts, I suppose, grasping at what we almost but ultimately, did not have. Our midwife said it was hormones, but whatever it was, it drove me mad. We were told to wait 6 months, but started trying again at 3.

We also have a 4 year old daughter, and throughout the fall and winter, there would be times I would look at her, and think, "She's not enough." It scared me, and made me ashamed at the same time. I understand that feeling of not being able to move on until your family is complete--Although being pregnant and grieving has come with its own set of challenges, it has also been a source of some comfort. But that feeling of limbo and incompleteness still exists, loudly. Had my son lived I think we would have packed our bags and called it a day, finished at an even 2. But now, even with the (hopefully) arrival of his sister, it does not feel like we are complete. I dont know whether that has to do with grief in general, or with the fact our only son has died, or with his irreplaceable loss in specific.

I have no helpful advice, but am sorry you are here, and hope you find peace soon.

Erin, I am so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you found Glow in the Woods though. I hope we can bring you some comfort.

I felt very stuck after my son was born still at 37 weeks (it was six years ago this week). What helped me was going to a therapist I had seen before just to have someplace to talk about him, and cry, and talk about how I felt and my options for the future. This woman had helped me before when I was stuck (different issues), and the best thing she did was let me talk, grief, and think. It was such a safe and nuturing place. She never judged me or pushed me.

Try to be gentle on yourself. You've been through so much emotionally and physically. I would encourage you to find a safe place to be, a safe place to grieve and cry. I know talking to someone outside of the situation was incredibly helpful to me. Visiting the Compassionate Friends a few times also helped my husband and me.

My heart goes out to you. I hope you will let us know how you are doing.

ciao,
rpm

Oh, also, to address the topic a little better: Gabriel was our first. I never knew how much I wanted to be a mother until I was pregnant with him. We waited six months as advised, and my husband and I talked about trying for another child a lot. I was ready before he was; our older daughter was conceived about nine months after Gabriel passed. And nine months after that, she was born. It was miraculous.

We have another daughter as well. We both feel very blessed in our girls. We are talking about trying for another boy; neither one of us has that "we're done" feeling. As the same time, though, my pregnancies are a little stressful (more for the baby than for me), and I'm older now, looking at 40 in a couple of years. We won't take extraordinary measures if we don't conceive the old fashioned way. As I said, we've been blessed and lucky (and unlucky).

Maybe this longing is something you can address with a third party as well. I know it's something I talked about with my therapist. I think it's why I was more ready than my husband when I did conceive.

Good luck. I hope you find some healing.

ciao,
rpm

Thank you all for you very kind and supportive words. Even though it is so sad that we are all here because we lost babies it is also very comforting to know that there are people who just "get it". I don't think those that haven't been through the loss of a baby really understand just how different this type of grief is. It is just so personal and damaging to a mother's self esteem in so many ways.

I just wanted to say that I had a little "win" yesterday. I ran into a friend (only a new friend) at my local park unexpectedly, it was the first time I have seen her since she had her baby girl 2 weeks ago. I have deliberately avoided anyone I know with a newborn and in public if I had seen a mother with a new baby I just didn't look. My first reaction when I saw her was to quickly turn around and leave before she saw me but I was too slow. She approached me, took my hand and said "Come and see my baby girl". So before I had a chance to think about it I was standing looking down at a beautiful sleeping newborn and I didn't cry and I was OK. This may sound silly but it was a huge step for me and I felt a little lighter. My next big step is returning to work which I am doing on Monday after an 8 month absence. I don't really want to go back but I feel that I need to have something else to think about as constantly thinking about my son and obsessing about getting pregnant may not be the best for my mental health. I am not denying myself the time to grieve as I know how important it is but I don't think that it is healthy for me to spend so much time thinking.

Rpm I have thought about therapy several times and perhaps it is something I will try in the future.

Erin-

I'm sorry you have to join our rag-tag group of the babylost. The thing that is AMAZING about Glow In The Woods is that I don't feel dragged out and beat up when I'm here--while we've been to the end of the earth and back we're still here and there's a vein of positivity that is tenacious among us.

I totally agree with rpm's suggestion. My therapy has been my friends. I happen to have what I consider the most amazing support system in existence, including girlfriends who allow me to talk about Beckett and talk WITH me about him. This is so healing to me. To them he's as tangible as the early morning we got to meet him face-to-face.

I hope you can find someone like this to share your little man with, whether it's a therapist or a friend or even someone here.

Love.