for one and all > Sad Daddies
Hi Jessica,
I'm so sorry to hear about Iris, and I'm very sorry to hear your husband is having such a difficult time. My wife and I lost our son Silas in September and it has been terrible, and we've struggled with some of the same things you are talking about.
For me, writing has been extremely helpful, but I've always been a writer so it was a natural step. She practices yoga and that has been very healing. Another thing we constantly remind each other is how everyone grieves differently. Could you get him to paint or write or play music? Does he talk to friends or brothers or anyone he trusts?
The Hygeia Foundation has been a wonderful resource for us, as well as just leaning on our friends and family. And just trying to enjoy the good things in life even as we are so sad all the time. Take him on a hike through the woods or demand that he eat chocolate ice cream before bed every night. Or just smack him in the head and tell him to shape up. Or just let him be. Everyone is so different. I make my wife laugh and that always helps. But it doesn't always work.
We feel helpless in all of this, us guys. But everyone is, all of us. So all I can do is take one more next step. I hope he can to.
warmly
Chris
I'm so sorry to hear about Iris, and I'm very sorry to hear your husband is having such a difficult time. My wife and I lost our son Silas in September and it has been terrible, and we've struggled with some of the same things you are talking about.
For me, writing has been extremely helpful, but I've always been a writer so it was a natural step. She practices yoga and that has been very healing. Another thing we constantly remind each other is how everyone grieves differently. Could you get him to paint or write or play music? Does he talk to friends or brothers or anyone he trusts?
The Hygeia Foundation has been a wonderful resource for us, as well as just leaning on our friends and family. And just trying to enjoy the good things in life even as we are so sad all the time. Take him on a hike through the woods or demand that he eat chocolate ice cream before bed every night. Or just smack him in the head and tell him to shape up. Or just let him be. Everyone is so different. I make my wife laugh and that always helps. But it doesn't always work.
We feel helpless in all of this, us guys. But everyone is, all of us. So all I can do is take one more next step. I hope he can to.
warmly
Chris
February 15, 2009 |
chris
chris
I was so happy to see that Chris piped up here. Jessica, your family is in the middle of such upheaval... still healing, still so much grief and yet in a state of growth and hope. It's not an easy thing to hold all those things in trust at the same time.
Other dads can speak more to this than I can, but from conversations with my own husband, I get the sense that the helplessness can be so overwhelming. To have to just witness this, to not be able to relieve you of having to do the hard work of this loss (in terms of bearing your baby, birthing your baby). He must feel much the same as you do - you write that his grief makes you feel somehow inadequate in your own, since you feel less overwhelmed by it than he appears to be. He must be looking at you thinking, "She's getting through the days, and she's pregnant, no less... and here I am, and I can't pick myself up from this, and what's wrong with me?"
We humans are experts at beating ourselves into an emotional pulp no matter where we stand, aren't we?
As Chris said, everyone is so different. I think all you can do is just keep the door open for him. Make sure you keep talking. Have you explored the possibility of therapy, or finding someone to work through this as a couple? A good counsellor might help... someone who could talk to you individually, then him, then work with you both together.
Chris also brought up the idea of helping him to find his outlets. From my own experiences, I've felt as though women perhaps do this more readily than men do. Not to generalize, but I'd guess that most women tend talk to one another more intimately and more freely than men do, and he may be missing that. He may benefit from writing, from having some way to vent this.
Also, perhaps your hormones and your gestation is triggering your own emotional survival mode - keeping you occupied, looking forward, because, well, what else can you be? You are growing another baby, and this is the ultimate expression of hope (even if you don't feel it all the time). He may feel once again as though he is on the sidelines of this experience, not able to benefit as you are from that very literal sensation of life and occupation.
Let us know how you're feeling as you work through this, okay Jess? Chris, above (Elm City Dad - http://elmcitydad.wordpress.com/ - his gorgeously written blog, highly recommended) is joining us as a regular contributor here at Glow. His first post is in a couple of weeks, and I suspect that he'll write beautifully and thoughtfully from the perspective of being a dad, and how we can help dads feel heard and connected.
Another beautiful daddy-soul is Dave, who writes at Unorthodox Rabbi. He's Gal's husband (who writes at Growing Inside, and is also joining us as a regular contributor at Glow), and their story with their angel daughter Tikva begins here, and he writes so beautifully of being her father:
http://web.mac.com/dspinrad/iWeb/UnorthodoxRabbi/D%27varim%3A%20Of%20Words%20%26%20Things/3B52A4D2-FD31-46DE-A754-D6C9871ED85C.html
love and light to you,
Kate
Other dads can speak more to this than I can, but from conversations with my own husband, I get the sense that the helplessness can be so overwhelming. To have to just witness this, to not be able to relieve you of having to do the hard work of this loss (in terms of bearing your baby, birthing your baby). He must feel much the same as you do - you write that his grief makes you feel somehow inadequate in your own, since you feel less overwhelmed by it than he appears to be. He must be looking at you thinking, "She's getting through the days, and she's pregnant, no less... and here I am, and I can't pick myself up from this, and what's wrong with me?"
We humans are experts at beating ourselves into an emotional pulp no matter where we stand, aren't we?
As Chris said, everyone is so different. I think all you can do is just keep the door open for him. Make sure you keep talking. Have you explored the possibility of therapy, or finding someone to work through this as a couple? A good counsellor might help... someone who could talk to you individually, then him, then work with you both together.
Chris also brought up the idea of helping him to find his outlets. From my own experiences, I've felt as though women perhaps do this more readily than men do. Not to generalize, but I'd guess that most women tend talk to one another more intimately and more freely than men do, and he may be missing that. He may benefit from writing, from having some way to vent this.
Also, perhaps your hormones and your gestation is triggering your own emotional survival mode - keeping you occupied, looking forward, because, well, what else can you be? You are growing another baby, and this is the ultimate expression of hope (even if you don't feel it all the time). He may feel once again as though he is on the sidelines of this experience, not able to benefit as you are from that very literal sensation of life and occupation.
Let us know how you're feeling as you work through this, okay Jess? Chris, above (Elm City Dad - http://elmcitydad.wordpress.com/ - his gorgeously written blog, highly recommended) is joining us as a regular contributor here at Glow. His first post is in a couple of weeks, and I suspect that he'll write beautifully and thoughtfully from the perspective of being a dad, and how we can help dads feel heard and connected.
Another beautiful daddy-soul is Dave, who writes at Unorthodox Rabbi. He's Gal's husband (who writes at Growing Inside, and is also joining us as a regular contributor at Glow), and their story with their angel daughter Tikva begins here, and he writes so beautifully of being her father:
http://web.mac.com/dspinrad/iWeb/UnorthodoxRabbi/D%27varim%3A%20Of%20Words%20%26%20Things/3B52A4D2-FD31-46DE-A754-D6C9871ED85C.html
love and light to you,
Kate
February 16, 2009 |
sweetsalty kate
sweetsalty kate
Jess, just one more thing to add: Dave / Unorthodox Rabbi once posted here at Glow, in case you might like to see his perspective. Your husband might not be ready to absorb the stories or thoughts of others, but it might help you...
http://www.glowinthewoods.com/home/2008/10/23/opening-windows.html
http://www.glowinthewoods.com/home/2008/10/23/opening-windows.html
February 16, 2009 |
sweetsalty kate
sweetsalty kate
We lost Iris when I was 41 weeks pregnant in May 2008. I am now 20 weeks pregant with our third baby (we have also have a 2 yr old daughter).
Since Iris died my husband has really struggled. He is on antidepressants and has taken extended leave from work. He is finding it very difficult to function. I seem to be finding it a lot easier to cope. I am torn apart with grief, I wish she were here with us, I'm frightened for my unborn child, it's been a very difficult time, but my day-to-day life is more or less the same as it was before. I go to work, see friends and family, play with our daughter, make dinner, laugh, feel happy often. My grief is there, but it's a part of the whole. This is not the case for my husband.
I sometimes feel guilty that he is 'sadder' than me; that he must have loved her more. Sometimes I'm very angry with him. Mostly I just wish he wasn't feeling so awful.
Any stories or suggestions? I'm feeling very alone at the moment.