I guess in some ways I should have seen it coming but it kind of sideswiped me.

The last real-life person I thought I could talk to about Aeryn basically told me not to talk to her anymore. She meant it in a helpful way, but, it's not as though that's the only thing I ever talk about. I just thought it was safe to say things like "The holidays are hitting me a lot harder than I thought they would."

I truly don't think I'm clinically depressed. Maybe I'm wrong. Is it so wrong to think things like "She would have been the same age as her brother the first year, crawling around looking at the tree and getting goggle-eyed at the sparkly stuff?"

All her stuff except that small memento box, her plaques, and her ashes, have been donated, purged, gotten rid of. Baby toys saved back for her and intended hand-me-downs from her brother, gone. When I miscarried, I was told to lock the grief away. Now I feel like I'm being told "Time's up, meter expired, lock up the tears, no more of this moping about." I guess I have to, too, because except for a safe place like this, there won't be anyone to listen, if I say anything else to anyone they won't be listening anyway.

But I think the pressure to have more is going to start mounting again, the inquiries about when doctor's visits are and that sort of thing.

Like I said, I don't think I'm clinically depressed. I think what I am is tired of having to put on my "happy face" with people I shouldn't have to. This is the downside of "child-toughening." My mother thinks it's time for me to move on so I have to pretend to do so. And I guess in some ways I do understand; she doesn't want to dwell on the missing stocking, she wants to have a happy crazy season with her living grandson. It's just I can't seem to explain to her that I can be reasonably happy with my son and still have these moments where I'm wondering why I can't have my daughter here too. She wants to help, but being told to shut off public mourning altogether is really rough.

Oh Katherine, I am having the exact same problems with my parents. Only I am absolutely refusing to put on my happy face just to make them feel better. They can either take me the way I am, or they can just bugger off.

I don't think there's anything wrong with what we are doing. We're trying to grieve healthily. Hiding the grief is not going to help us in the long run.

Made for a very strange holiday. I'd asked people that if they would have spent money on a present for Aeryn that they would please donate it to something like A Small Victory or March of Dimes. But I don't think anyone did. Everyone went nuts buying things for our son, he was swamped. Guess we're just supposed to be over it, they're going to make up for things by spoiling him? I don't know.

Katherine,

I am so sorry. You can always talk about Aeryn to all of us here, I for one would love to hear about her. I don't think that I will ever stop grieving for my lost daughter or stop wanting to talk about her.

I hope you don't mind but I have made a small donation to March of Dimes in memory of Aeryn. I felt so sad that no-one had thought to do so, or to tell you if they had. My remaining daughter also got presents for two this last Christmas, I would much rather she still had her sister.

Happy Christmas little Aeryn. Sorry my gift is a bit late.

Thank you, that means so much.