A year ago October 2, my tiny daughter was born. She lived for fifteen minutes. Today, I hold her little brother in my arms, born 11 and a half months after her death, and I am terrified. I fought with all that was in me to get him here safely, and now I can't let go of the terror that I will lose him, too. Two days ago he projectile-vomited, and for a split second I thought "well, this is it." Now he has been constipated (strange, because he's breastfed), and he seems to not feel well. The rational part of me says to just call the pediatrician - it's probably nothing, but the irrational part of me won't let me put him in his bed. And when he is in his bed, I wake every two hours to check on him. How do you with subsequent children deal with the fear? Does it consume you, too?

If you have any questions you should call. It's not up to us to decide if the thoughts or fears are rational, it's up to us to protect ourselves and now your new baby.

OF COURSE you're freaked out!!! How could you not be? You're doing everything you can and by showing up here and admitting your worries you're on the right avenue!

Peace to you and try to focus on the joy (and very normal fears) of a new, living baby! You're in my thoughts, friend!

Take him in. Hopefully you have a good pediatrician who will double check everything anyway.

Our pediatrician was fantastic, both with that kind of thing with our son, and with arranging things when we found out what was happening with Aeryn, arranging the palliative care with the NICU ahead of time and the like. If your pediatrician isn't willing to work with you

It will be hard to not overly protect your child. But as he becomes more and more grown he will start to show his personality and you will start to relax. Go with your gut. It is far better to go in and feel dumb for going in than the other possibilities.

It took me about six months or so to truly attach to my son because I was still terrified. He's a busy two-and-a-half year old now, and though I'm still a little strict about things like how he can travel in a parking lot (you MUST hold hands, it's a CAR PLACE) and random things like insisting he be up on an adult's shoulders the whole time at the parade the other night because I didn't want him possibly darting out into the street or getting stepped on, the sense of needing to keep him away from everything because everything is dangerous is fading a bit. I tried to sit on it when he was very little, but I did flinch a little everytime someone wanted to touch him. I sat on it, I let them, because I knew I needed to, but it was rough. Now, I freak out about toilet training, because what if his kidney backs up when we start that and he gets an infection? Any parent worries about their child, but it's worse for us because it's hard to look forward and see the possibility of an adult at the end of the line.

You're going to panic every time this child gets sick most likely. But, you will learn to push it out of the way long enough to do something useful rather than just be panicked. There's nothing wrong with taking your child in to the doctor, the constipation could be something completely random like that your milk supply is slowing for some reason too, you never know. But it's better to go in and get things looked at than sit home and fret, just in case.

Just to warn you, you'll probably also get quite frustrated with yourself when your child becomes a toddler because the normal "terrible twos" will feel even worse, I get angry because you're torn between wanting to protect this child and being so frustrated you can cry, then guilty because you got frustrated with this wonderful child you want so badly to be here.

Thank you for your words of wisdom. I did call the pediatrician yesterday, and he told me it's probably nothing. I wanted to say to him, "do you realize the last time a doctor told me it was 'nothing' my daughter died two days later?" But I restrained myself. However, if he hasn't pooped by tomorrow I am taking him in, despite what the doctor said. I don't mind being the crazy mom who takes her child in for anything questionable. I just don't know how to live with the fear. He gagged while nursing yesterday, and I burst into tears as I was thumping him on the back to get him to breathe again. He was fine, just needed to cough it up, but I was a wreck. It is just that I know what it feels like to have my child die in my arms; I don't need to imagine the terrible feeling of desperation and loss, and it is so easy to transfer that to my son. I have not had difficulty bonding with him, but I have difficulty "resting" with him, if that makes any sense. I am just hyper-vigilant and constantly afraid.

I'm getting caught up here from reorganizing the boards, but HMC, of course you're hyper-vigilant and afraid. We're never the same after this, no matter how or why it happens. The blinders are off and we realize how fragile we are, and it's truly a soul-rocking thing.

Not to mention the hormones, the sleep deprivation and the post-partum upheaval - all wonderful things given what you've been through - but don't underestimate how thoroughly they lobotomize and torture even the coolest of cucumbers. Not that you're sounding lobotomized... you're sounding normal, sister. (sleepy smile)

Hang in there...