On Sept 26, 2008, my cousin and dear friend lost her baby girl. She was 25 weeks pregnant. She is the mother of 2 beautiful baby boys and like you would expect is having her good days and bad days. Today is her birthday. And is having one of her bad days. She said that this isn't the way things were suppose to be. She was suppose 8 months pregnant. She said "it isn't affair" and she is right. I want to do something for her to let her know that she may have this burden to bear and the road isn't going to be easy but that she doesn't walk alone. I have looked a poems, cards, and other things to let her know this but I worry it will just make her feel worse and not better. But I also don't want her to think that she is alone. Any ideas on what I should do or what might be appropriate?

Jenny,
Please do something, a card, a poem, memory jewelry, whatever . . . and talk to your friend. Not just now, but keep checking in. Have had many people who have supported me since I lost my baby, but I have two friends in particular who checked in regularly and listened as I rambled and probably repeated myself and was frequently sad or pessimistic or anxious. Having somebody who gives you the time to talk, rant, cry, whatever is a gift.

Are you pregnant yourself? If you are, that may be difficult for your friend. She may need space, but it is worth talking about.

Also, I think sometimes people are afraid to say or do certain things because it might make me sad. I'm sad anyway, and just because I cry doesn't mean that somebody made it worse. I cry a lot. Sometimes I need to cry.

Everybody is different and needs/wants different things, but I think you should reach out to your friend, letting her know that you are there to support her, listen to her, not just on her birthday, but for the long haul (and it is a lifelong haul).

My husband and I took our son and went out to eat for two months straight, almost, or else just fed the boy sandwiches and apples and didn't eat ourselves. Somehow cooking fell by the wayside. (I'm noticing it happening again as the holiday steamroller squishes us this year.) So even something as mundane as making sure they've got food in their house - the way that you would if there was a new baby there - can be helpful. Anything you do is better than nothing, don't worry too much about whether it's appropriate but more about whether it's something that is needed. One of the worst things was walking into my husband's workplace afterward and nobody said anything, didn't talk to me, didn't acknowledge anything, then the one kind co-worker of my husband's that got a card and had people sign it, that meant the world to us just to have this horrible mischance acknowledged.

The worst thing to do is to say nothing. People still tell me, "I don't know what to say." My reply is, "I don't know what to say either!" There are no "right" words, but she needs to know you're there. You're a great friend to be here and asking questions!

The surprise card well after the initial loss is also welcome. I used to be someone who would decide it was too late and not send the card. Receiving those cards and little trinkets after everything was supposedly "back to normal" meant a lot to me.

My coworkers were also given this advice - and it was helpful: If you can offer something concrete (rather than "if you need anything...) like "I'd be happy to take the dogs for a walk" or "I'd like to drop by with food early next week - does Tuesday work for you?" it's so great for someone who really can't think about getting out of bed in the morning.

On a very practical level,if you think she would like something very concrete (and I know that I did..)
If you think she and the kids would like it, releasing balloons together can be so meaningful.
I also received a beautiful bead bracelet that had very specific meaning (mother of pearl for mothering, jape for healing...) and am looking at a wooden box with an angel for keepsakes.
I have kept all of this - it's helpful to have those things you can touch and feel when you feel it's all so unfair and you have so little left.

Jenny, if you're still around - and for anyone else who wants further guidance (although the comments here are fantastic) - here's what we had put together as an article for friends of babylost parents: http://www.glowinthewoods.com/how-to-help-a-friend/