Most people around me really seems to assume I should be "back to normal" and "over it" now, to the point that they are suggesting I need some type of chemical intervention.

At what point does the feeling like crap because your child is dead turn into maybe you feel like crap because your chemical makeup is screwed up? Are there head doctors out there that aren't going to automatically prescribe? After the miscarriage, my mum told me to shut the grief up in a little box in my head and forget about it, which worked oh so well. Am I meant to lock everything up again?

Seriously, someone needs to design a special depression screening for people who are in a grief process to help sort this out. And laypersons need to quit diagnosing. Even well-meaning laypersons. Hmm, a bit of anger there - sorry.

Really, professional help costs money. How many of you mamas have decided to go see someone at least once just to make sure you're normal? Was it helpful or not? How the heck do you find somebody to actually examine you anyway?

I sought out help after Sam died through any means I could. It`s different in Canada though as medical care is free so I don`t have to worry about the cost factor (sorry). The care I`ve received from phychiatry is anti-depressants so you may want to seek out a grief counsellor (which I also have) if you do not want to go that route. She just lets me cry (or not) or vent and tells me I`m normal, which is nice. That being said, the anti-depressants helped me focus and concentrate, which I could not do for several weeks after Sam died. However, I do not like the side effects and am trying to get off of them. I hate giving advice, so hence my sitting on the fence and overall wishy-washiness.

Sorry for your loss and hope you have some better moments ahead.

Katherine, I'm so sorry you're missing your baby.

This may not help at all, but my physician told me to let her know if I start feeling "stuck" in the grieving process, which has made sense to me so far. Just now life sucks on a pretty regular basis and I'm sad or angry more than I am anything else, but I don't (usually, there are exceptions) feel as though things will never, ever be bearable again. I realize it's not a very clear-cut guideline, and I agree with you about the need for that screening process.

I'm as much of a layperson as anyone, but it's how *you* feel that matters, not how the armchair psychologists around you are feeling about you. If you're worried that there's a problem, or if you're not able to do the things you need to do on a daily basis, or if you just want help, it's worth getting checked out, even with the expense. Your primary physician (if you have one) or family practitioner or a doctor you know should be able to direct you to help.

tash has a very nice post here (the only one that shows up so far under "depression" on the left) that might be of help if you haven't already read it.

I'm a little different, I had the depression before the babyloss. I don't know how to explain how they are different. I guess with the grief I feel so incredibly overwhelmingly sad, and angry, and so much.... and yes, there have been times when I've wondered what the point of living is, if it hurts this much. But depression, true depression, doesn't go away. It doesn't have bad days and good days. It just feels horrible all the time. My grief wasn't like that... my grief was all over the place, I would feel very happy some days, looking at Devin's footprints and looking at his picture - well, not necessarily happy, but thankful. There is a place for feeling horrible. But if it continues feeling horrible, without letting up, for weeks on end then I think it might be in need of a little extra help.

Oh, and I started seeing a therapist about 8 months after my loss... because I felt so very short tempered and angry and, yes, I wanted to make sure I was normal. (I was.)

thanks for that bit of advice natalie, it has helped me to process a few things. My GP tried to put me on anti-depressants this week. she said some people like me (eg people who have lead a charmed life - no previous major deaths, no other major life catastrophes, happily married, strong family, good grades at school) can find things like this harder to process. like the loss can consume them and just seem too much. i do feel like that a bit some days. but then there are glimpses where i feel "ok" and "normal". my biggest enemy is my impatience. it feels like i have been doing this FOREVER but i have to stop and remind myself it has only been three and a bit months. early days, early days.
i wish everyone well on their personal journeys through this hell.

Katherine, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my boys a year ago, and after my due date in May, I began to feel a little better. Functional, did work, focused on things. I've been seeing a therapist for years for various issues (I tend to be depressed anyway) and met monthly with a grief counselor (which didn't help me much). My gp prescribed some meds for me. Once school started again (I"m a grad student), all the anniversaries around getting pregnant hit, and the pressures of classes and teaching started and I started to fall down this well.

I knew I was struggling. But for weeks, my therapist, my husband, finally my sister and a couple of friends emphatically encouraged me to go see a pharmacologist. It took weeks and a huge meltdown, but I went. And it took 6 weeks before we found something that helped a little, where I didn't just want an end to the pain. But he, the psychiatrist also encouraged me to change things that were causing me more stress than necessary. That helped, too.

Grieving is really hard work. If you think you're depressed, it doesn't hurt to talk to someone about it. It's all really hard work. Either way, talking to someone can help, if they're sensitive to what you're going through.

I hope you find some peace. Again, I'm sorry for your loss.

I found the book, Healing Through the Dark Emotions extremely helpful - the author, who happens to have also lost her first child when he was 6 weeks old, even though that is not what the book is about, has a way of approaching difficult emotions that is so different from what we hear around us usually, and I love how she looks at depression (the is a psychotherapist). Here is her website for more info:

www.miriamgreenspan.com

Thanks everyone for your responses. I guess much of the problem I'm having now, approaching a year out, is that 1) everyone else seems to be "over it" and expects me to be as well and 2) I am being pressured all the time by my family, from my husband to my mother to my in-laws, to go on and try to have another child.