in april my first and only child was stillborn at 36 weeks. grief has kept me at a distance from most people in my life, but particularly, unsurprisingly, those formerly close friends who have new babies and toddlers. i've been worried that the reach of my loss is only increasing as time goes on, that the yawning gap between my nightmarish initiation into motherhood and the brand-new chubby, healthy baby experience of my peers is a gap that just can't be breached.

but now it's gotten worse. i've just learned that my one of my dearest, oldest friends is now pregnant with her first child, that her pregnancy began right around the time my daughter died, explaining her uncharacteristic distance with me since my world crashed down in april. my heart is broken all over again. acknowledging the undeniable gap now between us, i feel like i've lost my best friend for good, the one person i never imagined my life without.

obviously, there's no way i can share anything of what i'm going through with her - she deserves the joy and exhilaration of her pregnancy, and i'm poison. and i'd need to be lobotomized to hear all her hopes and the details of her excitement as her pregnancy progresses. because it's someone i was so close to, i can imagine her thoughts and feelings right now with an unbearably sharp clarity. i can't share in her joy when her child is born - thinking of it is so incredibly painful. there's the ugliness and agony of imagining what i should have had, the happy outcome a world apart from my own. and i can't. i just can't. it hurts so very much.

am i hopelessly selfish, wallowing in my own grief? or am i being justifiably self-protective? have any of you lost friends over this? can i be forgiven for cutting off all contact and going away for awhile, likely a long long while? and does the exile ever end, the time when i can stand, undisturbed, next to the non-babylost and shake hands?

I have struggled with babies since my own baby died. There are the babies that were born around the same time as mine, the ones who should be my baby's peer. And there are the babies that were born to friends and family months after my baby died.

We have continued to socialize with some of our friends who had babies the same time as we did. It has been hard, but our friends are supportive and I do what I have to when we are there. For a long time that meant not looking at the babies. Slowly I would start to give them sideways glances, then look, and on occasion even hold them. Our baby also has a cousin and two second cousins born within a month of him. Aside from cutting ourselves off from our families, there is no way to avoid them.

As for the new batch of babies this past spring, I took my time. Even with my sister, I did not visit right away. I asked people not to email me pictures. I prepped my self and geared up for visits. I was happy for them and angry and jealous at the same time.

For me, there were too many people who were important to keep in our lives to cut them out because of their babies. I have found that it is hardest for me to be in the presence of two or more babies of the same age--especially if my baby should have been part of the mix. I have also found it extremely difficult to be with more than one mom at a time. Hearing "mom" talk (how much is he eating? is she teething yet? what are you doing about . . . ?) is agonizing to me. I walk away from situations that are too hard, but I do work at being in situations around babies and their families. It's so hard, but worth it to me.

Oh, melka. You are not wallowing (how I loathe that word). You are simply facing your grief instead of burying it, which is healthy and normal. Please don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do.

Here's a suggestion. You might want to try writing your friend a letter. Tell her everything you've said here. Tell her how important she is to you, how you don't want to lose her friendship, but that you feel as though you're difficult for her to be around right now, and the vision of her pregnancy is difficult for you to be around, too. Tell her that you're happy for her, that you love her and value her.

Then ask for her patience and understanding.. over the next several months you'll just need some space. Explain to her that you're not upset with her, but that you just find it very confronting and scary to be around pregnancy and birth and babies right now. Tell her you'll be keeping an eye on her from a distance, and that you'll be in touch when you feel ready.

That's all I can think of.. that honesty has to be the best policy in this case. Don't let the spectre of babyloss inject so much friction into your relationship that you lose her from your life... if you let things go unsaid, assumptions will be made and it might be much harder for you two to pick up where you left off. But if you're forthright from the beginning and ask her for understanding--making sure to tell her what she means to you--she may be sad and she may not fully 'get it' but at least she'll know it's nothing personal.

Just my two cents... be kind to yourself.
xo

thanks so much Sara and kate for your comments and advice. some day soon, i hope to gather up the strength to write that letter, kate. and sara, wow - i admire you so much for walking upright in that baby-filled world of yours. its sounds so, so hard - but you describe it with such grace.

It really is hard. There have been times when I have just walked out of the room and started sobbing. There have been days when decided I couldn't face it. And it helps immensely to know that most of my friends/family are very aware of how hard it is for me and are supportive and understanding in letting me do what I need to do for me. They may not understand exactly what I'm going through or what will or won't upset me (sometimes I can't even predict that), but they have understood when I couldn't do something or walked away from something.

I found that admitting the jealousy I had when everyone I knew was having a baby this spring helped me start to work through/around it. It is still hard. I suspect there are certain babies/children who will always give me a pang of what should have been. But I'm glad we didn't retreat completely.

I hope that you are able to salvage some of these relationships--and that you will find support and understanding from your friends as you do so.

Melka, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sorry you have to experience this kind of pain. It's all just so horrible.

I think the advice above is spot on.

My sister (after 5 years of infertility) got pregnant with twins less than a month after I lost my twin boys at about 20 weeks. Difficult does not even begin to describe it. She had been a great support for me during and immediately after my loss. The conflicting emotions almost tore me apart. I wanted to be happy for her, and yet my heart was broken, and I was envious, and I was scared I'd never be able to have any kind of relationship with her. And I wanted to talk to her about how I was feeling, but it was so hard. Fortunately, eventually, we were able to discuss how we wanted to handle it, both by phone and by email. Unfortunately, she lost her twins at about 18 weeks. Just horrible.

Another dear friend got pregnant when I was pregnant and just had her healthy, full term, 10 lb daughter a couple of weeks ago. I sent an email congratulating her and her husband, but I can't seem to make my self go over there, can't send her an email, even. I am really so happy for her, but I can't go over, I can't volunteer to help out with the dog or errands... I want to go celebrate this new life with her, for her, but it's just so hard.

Your loss is so fresh, still. Be gentle with yourself. Be honest with your friend. With a little work, I imagine you can keep your friendship, even if it is strained for a while. I hope everything works out. Please, take care of yourself.

hope it's not too late, but STE - i really wanted to thank you for your reply here. hearing your experience with this - it really helps me. thanks again.

Can't we be both when we go through this? We need to be selfish so we can live each day, and we need to be protective because if we aren't we'll get hurt again. Along with that though we have to do our part to ensure that we don't allow the world to alienate us.

Being poison myself I can vividly remember going through this with the women around me having kids. I lost many friendships because of my daughters death and their inability to look at me like a woman and mother. All they saw when they looked at me was death.

The exile ended for me only when I found a new circle who didn't know me before. The "before" people only saw me as broken while the people I have met afterward and see that I talk openly and freely about my daughter have embraced me not only as a mother but as a strong woman with wisdom and insight many never get. Put out your feelers and look in places you might never have thought you'd find friends before. There they will be found.

Melka, My heart breaks to read what you are walking through. I totally understand. When I lost my daughter just hours after her birth 4 years ago my whole world changed. My best friend was on the other side of the globe and in the days following mostly spoke with family and friends. I just did not have the energy to tell the story one more time. I thought she of all people would understand and love me anyway. Boy was I wrong. Six months later I went to visit her. She was pregnant with her first, and I can not even begin to tell you how badly the visit went. I had been looking forward to it for months and the second night I called my husband in tears and he told me to change my ticket and come home immediately. I wish now I had listened to him.

I tried to talk to her, but she only lashed out with the most unreal anger. Seriously, I was the one with the dead child, but somehow she felt she was the one who had been wronged. I was totally stunned and even now years later I still don't understand. I grieve the loss of my best friend.

I can tell you that my daughter's death changed every relationship in my life. I lost a number of friends who just did not know how to deal with me or said horrible mean things. Still, people that I never would have expected to, really stepped up to the plate with kind words and support. I am so blessed to have friends that call me and tell me they miss my daughter too. We talk of her short little life and it brings so much comfort that she is remembered and made an impact.

To all of you who are going through this most awful thing. Hang in there. I promise people will amaze you. Not the people you expect, but someone will.