How long is long enough to wait before you start trying to have another baby?
Is there a magic number for you? If you're already pregnant or have a subsequent child, how did you decide? Did it just feel right? Do you wish you'd waited longer, or not so long?

After the miscarriage, my doctor at that time refused to prescribe birth control, and probably because we didn't know how to use condoms very well, I knew I was pregnant 3 months later - and I was 8 weeks along - so although we were planning on waiting, we didn't. A lot of the reason I mention the miscarriage so much is because I really didn't get the chance to think about it and mourn - and in fact, was told I shouldn't mourn it after my son was born, just lock my grief away and be happy with my new baby. So that was definitely too soon. Also, that pregnancy was completely nerve-wracking and stressful.

Now, I've got Depo Provera and quite frankly, we're (purposefully or not) abstaining. The thought of having another baby after Aeryn terrifies me, both from a medical standpoint and emotionally. I don't know if I will ever be ready for another pregnancy.

For me it came down to when I felt brave enough to be that vulnerable again. And, to be honest, I never truly even arrived at a point of conscious "readiness". A night of anniversary-inspired "activity" made the decision for me. The result: I am scared sh*tless. But, I imagine I would feel the same regardless of how much time had passed.

There is no magic number, no perfect time. Just a "good enough" time to hold your breath and jump back into the game.

I knew that if I waited until I was "done" grieving the loss of my baby or even starting to feel better, there was a good chance we would not have children. Still, I wasn't ready to start trying right away. About three months after my son died, my sister-in-law came off chemo and hospice stepped in and my mother-in-law was diagnosed with a progressive condition with few treatment options. I was still in a very heavy point of grief over the loss of my son and I felt surrounded by sickness, sorrow, and death. There was some part of me that felt the need to work actively toward life at that point. So we started trying and got pregnant right away.

I'm at 21 weeks right now. I have been anxious. I've had trouble talking about being pregnant. It is hard for me to picture actually having this baby. And yet I am excited and hopeful . . . and waiting.

My due date is one year from the day we buried my son. I will have a planned c-section at some point earlier, so this baby will be born within a couple of weeks, perhaps only a couple of days, of the anniversary of my sons death. In some ways it makes it hard for me to think ahead to having the baby. I don't want to put myself into December. I don't want to relieve the things that happened last year. And I expect it will be hard when the baby comes and I am post-partum and grieving and exhausted. If I had thought things out, I might have waited. I might not have considered a birth so close to the anniversary, but I did what felt right at the time and then looked at a calendar. I don't regret it, but I expect it will be hard.

Dear Sarah,

I fell pregnant one month after my son was born sleeping. I was desperate for another baby. I miscarried at 6 weeks. Soon after that I was pregnant again and 4 days after my sons 1st birthday in heaven I gave birth to my sweet heart River Eve.

I rushed things, which may have not been the smartest thing to do, but I thought if I waited too long I would be too scared to ever do it again so we just jumped in the deep end and expected the worst but hoped for the best! River's pregnancy was great physically but emotionally I was frightened and a wreck. I couldn't picture giving birth to a live baby, even though I had done it before.

I love what Kate wrote:

"I don't know yet if we'll try for another, but my hope will be to make that decision from a place of peace - and not from a place of self-punishment or guilt or unresolved hurt. I want to make that decision because I want another child - not because I need to prove something to myself."

Try again because you want another baby! Just make sure when you do fall pregnant that you have lots of support even if that means just coming in here and having a chat. My email address is twenty_six_stars@hotmail.com I am always around to listen if you want to vent any worries or thoughts :)

I wish you all the luck in the world!

Much Love,
Carly

When Jordan died I wanted to start trying immediately but after living for six months under huge strain we decided to wait. I also suffer extremely bad morning sickness throughout the whole pregnancy and I had no desire to feel physically ill on top of the grieving for my lost child. Also in my heart I felt we at least owed it to her to give her and my son all of ourselves (where possible) until her first birthday. We are waiting till Christmas day which works out to be about six months.

It's eight months now, and we are thinking about trying again after 2 more cycles. I still need to talk to doctors about things to keep in mind, pre-natal protocol (how they would treat me, considering our history) and I'm having trouble making phone calls. That kind of leads me to believe that maybe I'm not as ready as I'd like to think I am. I've been feeling really sad since we (my husband and I) talked about it, and I don't know if that's related to trying again or upcoming pg anniversaries from our loss.

We will need assistance getting pregnant, so (if my body hasn't changed too much) it shouldn't take too long to get pregnant, just staying there is hard (3 chemical pg on top of our 2nd trimester loss). Still, I'm feeling like there isn't a lot of time, considering my age and family history of young-ish onset of menopause.

Whatever you decide, I wish you luck and peace.

This is a very personal, relative decision. My doctor told me to wait until my second period. My reproductive endicrinologist told me to wait until my third.

That is all I am willing to wait. I have been TTC for 3 1/2 years and, although the loss of my daughter was traumatic, I feel the need to be pregnant again. I am also 40 and don't want to wait too long.

I would agree with Lisa re: the personal and relative nature of that decision. I had a classical cesarean; we were told to wait 6 months. We weren't/aren't willing to wait that long b/c we have fertility issues, and my physical recovery has been very good, so that I do not worry about the status of my scar. We're at 4 months out now and TTC again.

It is personal, but you should follow some medical advice. It depends on what stage of pregnancy you lost your baby and what sort of birth you had. I lost my first at full term, delivered vaginally with no - uh - complications and was told to wait 4-6 months. I asked my OB directly how much of that was physical recovery and how much had she added on for mental recovery. She said 4 months for physical. We started trying at 4 months and then it took 3 more months to get pregnant.

My second pregnancy ended in a medical te.rmi.ation by induced vaginal delivery at 16 weeks, again with no "complications". I was told to wait 2 months and I did. I got pregnant on the first cycle trying. My third son was induced at 36w6days.

My view was that for the physical recovery you should listen to a medical professional. For the mental recovery, only you can really know. It's never going to be easy. I felt like my clock was ticking away and even though I was still mentally very fragile, I needed to try again sooner rather than later.

I am thinking of trying for number 4 early next year.

I agree with what everyone has written - that it is a personal decision in terms of mental recovery. My daughter was stillborn at 38 weeks. We were told by one MFM and our reproductive endocrinologist to wait one or 2 cycles. We saw another MFM, who said ideally we should wait a year for best chance of a good outcome. Because I am 36 though (and we are going through IVF), she said at least 6 months. So we've waited 6 months and are gearing up, although we just hit a snag with my thyroid. Anyway, I feel like I need to do it as soon as possible now because I feel like the longer I wait the more I get in my head and the harder it will be, if that makes sense.

I had a vaginal birth and my midwives said to wait 3 months until my uterus was ready. I began getting my period 6 weeks after silas was born and died and figured that we may as well start trying. now its been 3 months and i'd like to get pregnant now. i'm ready for it, i need it. i'm almost 38 so i feel that pressure. some moments i can't imagine being pregnant again so soon. other moments i can't believe i'm not pregnant and don't have my baby. i'm in this horrible in between place. so for me, getting pregnant asap is what we're aiming for.

We lost our first child, and the doctors recommended at least 3-6 months recovery time before trying to conceive again. To say that it's been a rough year would be an understatement. In addition to the death of our daughter, we've experienced several other significant losses and I feel completely beat down and exhausted. I haven't quite found the strength to face 9 months of anxiety with a high likelihood of losing another baby.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be there.

The maternal-fetal specialist I saw told me to wait 18 months - one year on Depo and 6 months with say, barrier method, before even attempting. But, I've got several issues going on.

Almost at that year now, at least it's starting to feel like it - I'm doing what I was doing this season last year, out in the garden while my son plays, digging and clearing fallen wood and doing all the prep work. This was right about the time I got serious about trying to make the OB/GYN understand that she really wasn't moving the way she was supposed to. I remember standing outside picking up the last of some autumn leaves, the phone ringing, me telling my mother that she really wasn't moving today, it was worrying me no end but there didn't seem to be anything I could do about it.

So I suppose what I'm saying is I'm not sure I'm ready to go off the Depo at the end of the year, because I'm not sure I can go through everything again, and do I really want to chance turning 1living : 3 confirmed pregnancies into 1 living : 4 confirmed pregnancies? Besides which, TTC would mean having sex...which just doesn't seem to happen all that often anymore.

from a physical standpoint -- our MFM specialist said at least a year, 18 months would be more ideal -- I had a crash section, and that is what he would have told me if a baby had lived. I fell pg after 15 months -- during the third trimester I contracted constantly (which did not happen with my other, better spaced pgs) and the scar had healed poorly. I cannot have more, b/c it would be dangerous. I don't think I was in great shape, physically anyway, I lost a lot of weight after our loss, and threw up a lot, mostly due to emotional trauma. My immune system plummeted, and I got pneumonia as well. So I think, physically, I should have been more careful, listened to the doctor, and stayed on the pill longer, and not relied on less effective BC.

Emotionally waiting so long did not help at all, on the other hand. Waiting did not have the emotional benefit I had hoped. I was just as much a wreck at 15 months as I would have been at 6 months.
I honestly think waiting postponed some aspects of my recovery, in part because I thought having another baby would make me and my family happier, and I was just waiting for that to happen to feel better. If I had gotten pg sooner, I would not have lived so long with this expectation.

I wish providers would not so much emphasize that you will feel better in the long run the longer you wait. Really does vary individually, and they really don't know. My advice would be if you have the physical OK to go ahead, and you don't WANT to wait, don't listen to people that suggest you should. But if there is a real physical reason to wait, listen to your doctor! Also keep in mind that if you had brought home a living child, your doctor might think it wise to space your pgs, and the same science would hold true if your baby dies.

My daughter was born by caesarian at full term. We were told to wait 3-4 months. The 3 months were almost up when I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and had to have surgery to remove my cervix (they used the same incision as my caesarian scar). Now it's been almost 7 months, and we're about to start with IUI as the loss of my cervix will make it difficult for us to conceive on our own.

After the miscarriage (first child) , I probably conceived on my first regular cycle about 3 months out because honestly, we were using condoms with spermicide but probably not effectively because neither of us had a clue how to use the stupid things and the OB/GYN I had seen wouldn't prescribe anything for me.

Caesarean after that, I remember them saying something about a year before trying to conceive and me basically laughing at them and saying I didn't need to worry because birth control wasn't even needed while someone was nursing this much, I think Aeryn was conceived about the time we were looking at going on something stronger than the mini-pill plus nursing, when my son weaned fully.

Now, the 18 months, 12 on depo & 6 on something non-hormonal. But I'm still not feeling the urge to have another child. It would be nice to have children, multiple, in the house, but I'm just not sure I can be the one that carries them. Emotionally it's a lot more complex than physically, although the physical problems that are beginning to show up now may play a role in a later decision.