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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > Condolance card etiquette...

I collected my daughter's cards up last night and put them away. And I was a complete mess during it because I stopped to read every single one. As I was doing this is occurred to me (as it has several times during the last six months) that I have no cards from my mother's family, Cards from everyone else but not them. And my mother tells me that they sent cards to her. To her. And that she hasn't passed them on yet.

Question one. Would this p*ss you off? It makes me furious to think that I could have been comforted by these cards in some way and that they have been kept from me. My mother is grieving too I suppose and gaining comfort from these cards. But I feel like telling her "She was MY baby and those cards were meant for me." My mother-in-law received cards too but passed most on to me if they expressly referred to us.

My second question is this. Did you send out thankyou cards to everyone who sent you flowers or cards or gifts? My mother-in-law thinks I need to and it makes me feel a bit funny. What did you guys do?

August 6, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSophie

I didn't send thank you cards. Etiquette basically boils down to you should acknowledge that you received the communication, but if it makes you uncomfortable, DON'T. I did go on and send birth announcements for my daughter, and behind them I put a little note for some people that basically said "Thank you for your kind thoughts at this difficult time, we appreciate your cards and letters more than you can know." I'm sure I missed some folks, too, but I'm not going to add etiquette guilt onto everything else I'm feeling now, and don't you let somebody push you either.

Heck, how about this - you tell MIL that you appreciate the reasons for return correspondence, but that it's far too emotionally stressful for you and your husband right now, would she mind making out the notes for you? That gives her something to do for you and satisfies the one who is really concerned about etiquette in one.

As far as your mom, that's a hard one, I've got no kindly unsolicited advice for you there. Just yes, I most likely would be hurt and angry if my mother had done that. But then again, my mother wouldn't have...so I don't have anything to tell you.

August 6, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKatherine

It seems odd to me that your mother's family didn't send cards to both you and your mother. It would be considerate for your mother to pass on any cards that refer to you directly. That's how my mom handled it. She kept her cards, but pulled out ones that mentioned me as they were ones meant for me as well as her.

I sent thank you notes for donations made in my son's memory, mass cards, flowers, and other gifts. I did not acknowledge every card that came in. I did, over time, get in touch with people who sent cards that really said something to me. My in-laws offered to help with thank yous for people that they know. I took them up on it. We got a donation list late from one group, so I had a second batch to write out. I still have a couple of lingering cards to write from that list. There were cards that I wanted to write, ones where I really had something to say to the person, and there were some that I just did to get done. I did them in short bursts, finding I could only write a few at a time.

August 6, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSara

We tried to thank the people via phone for flowers etc..and my mom did a lot of that too AND the explanations and all that.

It is weird that the family would do that....why to your mom unless they didn't have your address??? Weird.

Heck my brother in law didn't give us anything nor did he acknowledge our house FILLED with flowers and cards...like it wasn't real..nothing.

August 6, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCrunchy Carpets

Hi Sophie -

I hope that the experience of reading through the cards as you put them away gave you some needed comfort.

On the issue with your mom, yes I'd be furious.I'd march on over to her house and demaand that she hand them over. And if she can't, won't or no longer has them, I would lay it all out about how hurtful her action of withholding the cards is.

On the issue of thank you notes, I do not think that the cards and flowers absolutely must be acknowledged, even though I did acknowledge those that I received (mostly by phone). I think this falls in the category of "a nice thing to do if you can". But I also don't think that anyone who sent you something would want to cause more stress or work for you.

I love Katherine's idea of asking MIL to do it for you. My aunt recently died and my uncle sent out pre-printed acknowledgement cards. They were lovely and did not require a personal message, so your MIL could easily take crae if it for you.

August 6, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle

Hey Sophie,

I am sorry your Mother has not passed on the cards to you. As I don't know you or your family life I will just make a stab in the dark and say that maybe your Mum thinks more cards would upset you, she maybe feeling so down by reading them herself. Maybe if you just let her know that the condolence cards would really help you. She might be better about the whole thing. She is might be really grieving for you aswell as your precious daughter. I know if one of my children were to lose a baby I would be heart broken for them.

I too think Katherine's idea is an awesome one. I would definetly ask your MIL to help do the 'Thank Yous'. It would probably mean alot to her. My husband and I sent out cards to everyone, for me it was something that gave me alot of comfort, I know that might seem strange to some. I just wanted everyone to know how much I loved my Son and I guess I was doing as much as I could to keep his memory alive at the time. At the end of the day just do what you feel best with. I think most people would totally understand if you didn't send out cards. . . you have just lost your baby. Anyone who gets upset about it wasn't worth sending anything in the first place!

Hope you are feeling better :)

Love Carly x

August 7, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCarly

I didn't acknowledge cards. I started, very methodically, thanking people for food, flowers, and donations, and ultimately it just became too hard, too surreal, and I stopped until "I felt better." I never finished. I think people understand in this case that that's ok. Thinking back, I've only ever been thanked for a funereal sentiment or gift a small handful of times. And I can't ever remember wondering where my thank you was when I did something in that case.

I was actually pretty touched by a few cards from in-laws of in-laws, and friends-of-friends and that sort of thing, and clearly they made a few phone calls to get an address and take the time. I'm wondering why those people in your life didn't do that.

August 9, 2008 | Registered Commentertash
I never sent thank yous. I bought the cards, took them out and they sat for weeks or longer. It was just too hard.

I thanked many people in other ways (in person or by email), but some never got acknowledged. I think people understand. I told my grief counselor that I was struggling to do it, and she told me not to worry about it, too.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSTE