I used to be a wildly optimistic person. I used to expect that things would always turn out okay. I used to plan for sun even if the forecast called for rain.

Four long months after losing my baby to Trisomy 18 and I am a different person. I now expect things to go wrong. I plan for the worst even when that outcome seems highly unlikely. I recently got a red flag on a routine mammogram and spent a week imagining my impending cancer death. Despite my doctor telling me that what showed up looked like nothing to worry about. And, indeed, further tests revealed nothing to worry about. Of course, now I wonder about the likelihood of those further tests being incorrect.

My arm aches (probably too much gardening) and I wonder if it could be bone cancer. Ordinary bruises, scrapes and scratches on loved ones suddenly seem like harbingers of potential doom or deadly illness. It's like I am just waiting for the next disaster. It is all too real to me now that things do, in fact, go wrong. Terribly, horribly wrong.

Anyone else out there under the same black cloud?

You and I would have had babies the same age. I think this is one of those normal abnormal things.

I do panic sometimes, I look over at my son in his carseat and pull over to wake him up and make sure he's breathing. But not often. Also, I panic at the thought of leaving him with a babysitter or at a daycare, even though rationally I know he would be fine. I don't think it's out of hand though; my "coping mechanism" seems usually to be anger, so that's more what I'm struggling with is sudden rages over essentially nothing.

My mother basically kept fussing at me till I went to the doctor when I had a bad migraine because she wanted me to get it checked out.

So, I think it is "normal," whatever that means. But if you feel like it's interfering with your life don't try and go it alone. Hang in there.

You know, I do kind of feel that way... but there's something about helplessness that cancels out the worry.

No one here could have forseen or prevented the loss of their babies. Lately I've been trying to go limp in the current, if that makes sense, because worrying does nothing but make life harder, and puts stress into a limited number of days.

I know that seems overly simplistic, and it's not like I'm necessarily happy all the time. But I had to let go of the dark visions, shake it off. They serve no purpose, and they need to be told where to go so that I can get on with my day.

You now have a NEW "normal." Things will get brighter over time and not AS negative and painful. My 3-year anniversary of my son's death is next week. I miss him and wish I could hear the pitter patter of his feet but I have to move on. Your normal will continue to change and change - that's okay. Hang in there and consider getting some professional help - it will help you feel okay about all of those thoughts.