I am desperate to save my marriage. My husband has been gone for a couple of months, but says he is not ready for divorce. He is not wanting to do much though in means of saving our marriage or even trying to work on it. He is depressed and is working on that. Has anyone been here? What did you do? Any suggestions on things to try to help? We have tried marriage counseling and it seems that losing our baby throws off the therapist. It is a huge issue for both of us and they don't really want to deal with that aspect. We are planning on going back, but trying a different therapist. Any other ideas?

Maybe seeing a a grief counselor first or one who is trained in both grief and marriage counseling would be better.

I'm in no position to give any advice other than that, just let you know that you're not alone, losing a baby is hell on marriage. My husband and I are finding a grief counselor now because it's hit that point where we think we need some outside help. We got through the miscarriage ok, so we thought, but actually I just got pregnant again quickly and we put it out of our heads, now it's like a double whammy.

I'll just give another side of this to consider--

You may have already done this, but before looking for another therapist, I would recommend that you very blunty at the start of the next session, bring up your concern to your therapist that s/he does not seem at all comfortable in addressing the fact that you lost your baby, and the great toll that this has had on your marriage. And ask him/her to comment. If your therapist responds in an open way that acknowledges his/her discomfort, and/or responds in a way that makes you and your husband feel heard or understood, then I think it would be worth sticking it out for a little longer.

If you've already done this or some version of this and she/he has responded negatively or defensively or cluelessly, and/or you've both been attending weekly therapy for some months now without any progress, then by all means try someone else.

Therapy only works within the context of a trusting relationship, and the best predictor of therapeutic outcome is the quality of the relationship you have with your therapist. But trust takes a long time to develop, and it is not unusual for it to take several weeks of weekly sessions (even more when there are three people involved--as in marital work) before you and your therapist are able to develop that trust, and the real work of therapy can start.

This is why I say to bring it up directly first and give him/her an opportunity to demonstrate she/he is worthy of your developing a trust with him/her. If you haven't been seeing this person long, jumping immediately to someone else may just delay getting to the real work of therapy, because you'd have to start all over with the getting-to-know-and-trust-you part.

Just my two cents. I happen to be a psychologist and know a bit about therapy, but know nothing about grief, having just landed here myself.

My husband said "We'll get through this" but that's as far as we've gotten the past couple days, since none of the therapists here work on Fridays and that's the only day that my mother's off and can watch our 2 year old.

How about you, JH? Anything? Did you find another therapist or decide to give the same one another go?

As if losing the baby wasn't enough, I'm finding that my marriage is on the rocks now as well - I'm with you, JH.

Have you thought about going for individualized therapy in addition to a marriage counselor? That way you could focus on the loss with your own respective therapists (especially if you've been handling the loss differently), and then focus on the relationship issues with the joint therapist. I've begun seeing a therapist myself for help in working through my own pain, depression, and anxiety, and I've found it to be helpful. My husband, however, will not seek counseling on his own. I wish he would.

My therapist has recommended Gottman couples therapy for the two of us, which my husband has begrudgingly committed to for at least three sessions. My husband doesn't think it will help, but he doesn't want a divorce either, so he's willing to give it a try. This kind of therapy seems promising because it teaches you the tools that you need to work together, and it takes a very logic driven approach to therapy that my therapist says goes over better with many men. I've taken out a book from the library that John Gottman wrote detailing his findings called "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". I've also visited his foundation's website where he lists Gottman-certified therapists (www.gottman.com), and his own website, where you can view a video clip of him describing his approach (http://gottmanprivatepractice.com). If you can find someone that you trust for couples counseling, maybe they could refer you to counselors for individual therapy.

It has been almost 5 years since my son died and after two, my husband and I separated for 6 months.

It was both good and bad for us. I needed that time and so did he. I was a MESS. Beyond a mess.

Our marriage is still not great but we have a lot of good times and we have gotten to a place of understanding with it. We don't want divorce, so we just keep plowing along.

You need to find a grief counselor first and foremost, IMO. Death of a child is not your usual marriage stressor and your counselor needs experience in handling it.

I also found that therapists were extremely uncomfortable discussing anything related to the twins' death and seemed visibly relieved when I changed the topic. When I called them on it, they simply denied feeling uneasy. Maybe they weren't fully aware of it themselves.

In terms of your husband, here are my thoughts (and please ignore them if they don't seem useful). If the separation is your husband's idea, I would try backing off for a while. Say you love him and would like to work things out (assuming that's true), then just stop talking to him or dealing with him in any way and see what happens. Sometimes, not having someone pushing you to come back gives you the space to see that it's really what you yourself want. I hope this makes sense. Feel free to email me anytime at like.niobe.all.tears at gmail dot com.

Thank you for the support. Things have not really gotten better, but we are supposed to see a new therapist this week. I hope he decides to go. It is hard to stay away due to our 2 year old. It seems we are always shuffling him back and forth and having to see each other. We always end up arguing. I just feel so betrayed, hurt, and angry. The unknown is so very scary. I am trying to give him space. I am just so afraid of losing another piece of my family.

I'm so sorry JH. I feel the same way too. Isn't it enough to have lost a child? Does the whole family have to disintegrate? I have a good relationship with my husband but it doesn't stop me asking whether or not we are strong enough to get through this.

I agree with the others. Perhaps a grief therapist in particular would be better? Don't give up.

I am just stabbing in the dark here because I've not been here myself, but you need to try to find something you can do together to mourn your little baby so you don't have to feel like each of you has to do it separately. I do remember when our daughter died so many people focused on me even though my husband lost her too. For some reason the world separated us when at that point we needed to rely on one another to make it through and keep our marriage strong.

I don't know if that helps or is even what you are looking for, but I do hope you guys will be able to find something that will save your marriage. I am sorry you are facing this possible loss on top of the loss of your baby.

Find a new therapist! While the work will be yours and it will be painful and tough, you can get through it. Your therapist needs to be one who can help you through this, not push it aside.

Best of luck!