So, they called back with the blood test results from the specialist.

It was my blood. I've got both markers, essentially I clot too much (thrombophilia instead of hemophilia) and that's likely what caused Aeryn to have a vascular insult which lead to her death. This will also bear investigation as far as how it affects my son, because with both markers on me, he's got at least one so is a carrier for sure.

Emotionally, all I can feel right now is disbelief and a sense of anger at my body. It was my own blood that did it? My blood? I can't even process it that well right now.

Otherwise, well, wait 18 months on the Depo, wait 6 months on barrier method, then we'll do heparin pump, extra monitoring, no big deal, right? Yeah. I can deal with getting stuck, I just don't know that I can deal with the rest of it, and financially, well, let's just say anything the insurance wouldn't cover isn't going to happen, and methinks this would not be covered. Plus the idea of "let's reduce how well you clot, go that way for 9 months, then slice open your abdomen" doesn't sound like a great plan to me. I guess I've lost my faith in the medical miracle a little.

So that's what I'm thinking right now - it's the end of the line, I'm wishing my body was like a car and I could just go down to the dealership and have this flaming gas tank bomb waiting to happen retrofitted. How did I end up being a Pinto? I knew I wasn't a Ferrari but I figured I was at least something stable and dependable, maybe a Civic or a Corolla.

sigh... you have this terrible news but then you make me smile at the end with the pinto.

In the midst of our company I'll just say this - you're fortunate to have an answer, a diagnosis. You know exactly what you're dealing with - it's upsetting news, but it's not the dreaded "we don't know". Even though it feels frought with danger and chance and trust in the medical establishment and potential cost, you do have a plan that you can choose to follow (or not). From your update, they seem to know how to give you a chance, how to make it work...

So maybe you're a pinto that needs a jump, that's all, but once you get started and know how to keep yourself from stalling, you can get from A to B as long as you're careful... that counts for something.

But I know.. it's so stressful. It IS a big deal, having to cope with this at all. I'm sorry for that.

Yeah, at least there's that. But the bad news is - now everybody else has to get tested for markers to see if they're carrying, likely yes. And yes, I know how fortunate I am that we have at least an answer as to what happened and even something which approximates a reason why. And likely this tells me just what happened with my first child, too, who was likely female. We'll test my son, we know he's got at least one marker, maybe two, it doesn't matter now of course but if he gets old enough to marry and start a family it would matter then. The detection, the immediate plans of action, this I can process. It's just the part of me that was going "It's your fault she died." is now saying "I told you so, I said it but nobody would listen." Horrible annoying little voice, but there it is. So I have to turn to myself and say "Shut it, yes, you told me so, but I don't want to hear you right now, so just shut it." I can't even think long term enough to decide what to cook for dinner right now, so trying to wrap my head around a future in which we do decide to conceive again, purposefully - I don't know. I think I'm just going to have to tell all the clamoring schizophrenic illusions in my head to shut it for a bit and let me take a bubble bath or something.

I just noticed I said "if he gets old enough to marry" not when. Is that pessimism, realism, or a Freudian slip? I'm not sure but since we can't edit once it's posted, there it is.

I just found this out about myself...just last week. After delivering my twin boys in March at 23 weeks. They lived for only 2 and 3 days. I delivered my daughter in 2006 at 29 weeks. She is great today but sufferred many weeks in the NICU. All because of a stupid blood clotting disorder.

They assured me I could most likely carry a baby to at least 30 weeks next time. Do I dare believe them?

Devon, I don't know what to tell you - this fetal maternal specialist has told me that if I decide to get pregnant again, he's going to want me on a heparin pump, that other than that if I'm in good general health it should be ok. I want to trust him, but at the same time I don't think I can stand this happening again.

I actually got in an argument with a physician today (I'm telling you, I really am running the risk of losing my job if I keep opening my mouth.) that the designations "White, Non-Hispanic," etcetera, are insufficient, that you need a good long listing and "check all that apply." They check for Tay-Sachs if you are genetically inclined, why don't they check northern european descent women for this as a matter of course?