Where is the book that tells you how to keep parenting a 2 year old after you've lost a baby? I can't take this today, I can't do it. "Be patient & consistent, expect your child to test your limits." Can't do it, I'm already past my limits. I'm tired of feeling like a single mom too, with my husband either at work or asleep. I can't do this today. And yet, I don't want to call my mother and admit to her that I can't handle it. So I'm just going to vent here then I'll go try and tidy up the room before bathtime and get through the bedtime routine then I think I'm just going to go collapse. I know I should probably go see that grief counselor but it's an hour drive, my husband having to schedule off work so he can watch terrifying toddler which means in fact plopping him in front of the computer screen and playing a movie, not even getting dressed, changing diapers or making toilet attempts, and feeding him animal crackers and cheese all day. Plus what it costs in gasoline and her fee. Then me trying to get home and take care of everything that was completely ignored while I was gone.

Where's the **** "What to Expect" book for this?

Katherine, do you get along alright with your mother, all things considered? My thinking - unless there are other issues with her that make her cause more friction for you than relief, why not call her?

Many moms, I think, don't want to admit they need help. I don't want to feel like I rely on anyone but myself, and I don't want people in my family gossiping about how I am (or am not) coping. But if your family situation is relatively tolerable, please, please, please swallow that pride and call your mom, if she's handy to you. Let her swoop in and help you, as you'd want to help any child of your own. Let her cook for you and take the tasmanian devil away for some playtime. Communicate. Tell your husband what you need from him, even if it means bringing some issues to a head, or getting visibly pissed off.

After my baby died I had days where I'd just storm around, pissed off that everyone else wasn't psychic. It's never a bad thing to drag yourself up to the rooftop and rally the troops - without minding one frigging bit how you might be perceived while doing it. Ask for help, or better put - give your family the opening they need to make a difference for you.

This all sounds terribly preachy but if I were your best friend, and if I were there with you right now seeing you tired and worn out and emotionally tapped and in need of a recharge, this is what I'd say, with an arm around your shoulder.

As for the counselling and other steps like antidepressants, those are all valid paths... maybe start with a visit to your doctor, if he/she can recommend a course of action?

Hang in there katherine. It's so hard, and the way you feel is totally, completely normal... I hope you know that.

Yeah, speaking of complicating issues by assuming everyone's psychic -

The main reason I can't call on my mother right now is because my brother is deploying to Iraq. She's completely haywire herself. I feel terrible that I can't be there emotionally for her, the best I can do is try not to overburden her right now.

I think really posting on here is doing me as much good as anything else, much of my difficulty stems from the fact that I work from home and am very isolated, everything is based from a church in this town and I've still not been able to talk myself into faking a religion (I could do it, I used to, till I decided it was disrespectful to those who did believe in that particular deity as a specific entity) just for the "perks" of having a connection to community. It's one of those grand gestures to ethics and morality that is constantly attacking me like a pit bull.

My best friend, the one I met in 6th grade and went through thick and thin with, writing across the country since both of our fathers were in the Air Force? She's due in I believe 2 months. I haven't been able to talk to her since, even though I know she's had two miscarriages, I just don't want to add my uncertainty to hers at this moment.

So sparing others isn't helping, I suppose.

But maybe it is time for me to try and get things opened up with my husband. I've given him a lot of space, I need some of the space to be filled now.

Well, since I worked for a true drunk (talking hiding airline size bottles of liquor under the desk, stumbling in smelling like a vineyard drunk) I've been off the sauce, though I've never shown any inclination towards alcoholism whatsoever. I do cook with red or white wine, and bratwurst in beer and the like, it just has been repulsive in a glass. But it is a depressant/relaxant, maybe it would help me get some sleep at an appropriate time, which is still the biggest issue going. A lot of why I'm losing my cool is just tiredness, I think. Today was better, it's my husband's day off and he really stepped up, he made way too many waffles for breakfast but hey, a man who cooks, let's not get persnickety over portion sizes - he's doing bathtime right now, and got the boy to take a nap, so a lot of load off me today, I could deal with work calls and things without a toddler hanging onto me and hollering the whole time. Plus I did go speak with actually the child life guy at the hospital, they don't have an official grief counselor but he was kind enough to try and help me, he was the one who had made the casts for us, he gave me a journal which has writing prompts which at least is something to get me going.