I found this site from Elizabeth McCracken's web page. Just seeing the words "babylost mamas" broke a sob in me. I am in tears and in good company. I am grateful. I am momentarily bereft. I need this, I guess. About me: I have had six known pregnancies, and have one glowing and radiant living daughter. I have an incredible husband. My first pregnancy ended at 11-12 weeks. My second, third, and fourth ended in about the fifth week. Then there was the amazing escape, which resulted in my now two and a half year old daughter. Then, about 27 months ago, we lost another daughter at 20-21 weeks gestation. She seems to have taken on the cape of all losses before her. I miss her as her, and as my daughter's sister, and as the keeper of all her lost siblings.
Thank you for letting me join this glow in the woods. For now, all I want to say that her name was Winnie. Her name was Winifred.

Not 27 months ago. I meant 15 months ago; that was when we lost Winnie. Gahhh. Are there only 12 months in a year? It was only one year ago last Aug/Sept. Winnie would've/could've been one year old this coming January.

Hi - I found this website by reading an interview with Elizabeth McCracken. My first baby, Abigail, was born still in June 2006 at 40+ weeks after an uncomplicated pregnancy. The doctors could not give us a definite answer as to why this happened. I became pregnant again 2.5 months later with spontaneous identical triplets, who were delivered a day shy of 36 weeks - alive. I feel frustrated with life - I feel like most everyone is expecting me and my husband to be so joyful to have the triplets that we should stop missing Abbey. It doesn't work that way. I miss my baby girl. I blame myself. I am full of anger.

I avoided websites like this for so long b/c they make me cry. But now I am also finding some comfort in knowing that I am not alone.

I found this site, trying to find some decent online literature about stopping lactation when there is no baby (advice here was the most helpful). I lost my son, Tristan 3 weeks ago. He died of labour complications due to an undiagnosed condition called Vasa Previa, which basically meant that once my membranes ruptured, his blood supply got cut and he bled out. He lived for 25 hours.

This site has guided me to others' blogs and is a refuge for my innermost thoughts and feelings to surface, vicariously, through the understanding I have of reading the thoughts of others hurting and I know that whilst I suffer, I am not the only one with the same suffering.

Hello,

My name is C. I found my way over from Happy-SadMama.

After an uneventful pregnancy, my first-born child, a son, was born in late September, just before 23 weeks gestation. He fought with more strength than I have ever seen, but was faced with one obstacle after another.

I've not been able to talk about what I'm truly feeling. I'm plagued by guilt, shame, and what-ifs from the decision that his father and I had to make.

After having a drain placed in his abdomen to help cleanse his perforated bowel, subsequent bleeding, and receiving blood transfusion after blood transfusion resulting in the entire volume of his blood being replaced at least five times, my boy began developing cysts in place of his brain matter. The doctors told us that he would be braindead. Confined to a wheelchair. Unable to speak, communicate in any way, feed himself. A vegetable.

18 days after his birth, and a mere 24 hours after hearing the news, he was taken off the ventilator, while being held in his father's arms.

I continue to question whether or not the decision we made was the right one. What if the doctors were wrong? What if he would've pulled through and given us one more huge miracle?

I'm forever changed, but am I forever wounded? I guess only time will tell.

Thank you for creating this safe place. I think it will be the one thing that keeps me from breaking.

oh C, what a terrible thing to happen to your son and to you and your husband. i'm so sorry you lost your beautiful son in such a tragic way. i hope you find that being here helps, even if only a little.

much love to you x